View Full Version : sick of feeling like this everyday
Hello everyone. I'm new to NMP and am so happy to have found it.
I've been really badly suffering from panic and anxiety attacks for about 6 weeks now and over the last few weeks has been a daily ordeal.I used to suffer a few years ago but it wasn't even close to how bad it is now!
It varies from just anxiety to full blown panic attacks.It can last hours and sometimes pretty much all day. I'm having trouble sleeping because i have my worst attacks at night, obviously because i am going to bed worrying about it i often have one. It's starting to affect me at work too, i had to go home for an hour to get my head together the other day,which got me in to trouble.
I'm obsessed with my heart and constantly check my pulse, which just makes things worse. The slightest thing can set me off. I'm so in tune with my body and anything that happens that i deem unusual sets me off. If something feels numb or pins and needles. My vision is the worst, some times i feel the sight in one of my eyes is fading, which sets me off.I feel exhausted and apear tired, I get the usual tight chest and feel unable to breathe. racing heart beat and slow heart beat,heart flutters and palpatations, pretty much all the symptoms listed on this site. I feel like i'm dying.
I'm pretty certain it's stress related, Ive got so much going on at the moment. I work at Henshaws college for the blind and learning disabled. I do 46 hour weeks. The students are emotionally demanding and draining. I also have a 2 year old son, so i never turn off and am constantly looking after someone.I never have time to myself!
My partner is pregnant again which was really happy news but she had a bleed, so we went for an emergency scan and found out everything was ok but we are expecting twins! exciting news again but one of the twins is not growing as well as the other and there is a chance of it dying which is causing unbelievable stress. i just have to play the waiting game.So i am running around helping out my girlfriend in any spare time i have.
I'm having so much trouble controling my emotions, i get really frustrated and angry so easliy at the moment but then also get upset just as easy. It's so unlike me and i'm so sick of feeling like this. It gets to the point where i have suicidle thoughts just to have control over my life. It's something i would never ever persue but it just gets so overwhelming.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and am just wondering what to expect.
thanks for reading
adam :)
Well your signature says alot about your feelings too Adam. You are going through alot of emotions with the news about the twins and the potential risks involved (i'm grandmother to twin boys aged 6, and my daughter was so ill carrying them but they were ok). You are having to boost your partner's moods as well as your own, but please dont talk about suicide...why for gods sake? you really want to be that selfish? hey life sucks sometimes...deal with it.
i would never consider suicide it's the most selfish thing anyone can do. I mean it in a sense of, when i'm having a really bad panic attack and i think i'm dying, which is happening so often. the thought just comes in to my head but i by all means would never contemplate it. thanks for your reply. :)
hi adam im sorry u have all this upset at the moment and the risk with the twins must be very distressing especially the waiting game and the unknown, but you have to try where u can and take time for you even half hour here and there, that way you can feel more positive and energised in making sure your wife is ok and your son. a son needs his dad and u sound to me like a great dad you just need alittle space thats all. well the docs may give you meds which wil help but can take good few weeks for it to kick in and some do have side affects that u will have to put up with for a few weeks but they do work. also talking about what your probs are will help lots and can u cut down your work load slightly just until this worry is over for you mayb? we all feel helpless and crap at times dont beat yourself up just focus on positive stuff and as hard as it is try and get alittle relax time if u feel stressed just for half hour hugs xx
Hi Adam
Welcome to the site.
Good luck at the dr tomorrow. It sounds like u have alot to deal with right now and the dr mite want to give u meds.
Let us know how u get on
love mandie x
ladybird64
19-06-08, 23:44
HI Adam :)
A lot of what you have said sounds very familiar! I'm no expert but can only offer advice from my perspective.
I have a daughter with a disability as well as 4 other kids (including twins!), well, they're no longer kids as they're in their twenties but you know what I mean. :)
I have spent many, many years trying to deal with everybody else's problems and still do it to this day. It's draining, it's anxiety provoking but I am always reluctant to trust anybody else, to let them help because something awful just might happen.
So we continue on in this never ending spiral of exhaustion, worry, panic..I don't need to go on, do I?
But..you can't change the situation with your partner, You are looking after her, reassuring her, worrying with her but she won't fall apart if you take an hour out for yourself. The same goes for the job, these people won't have a disaster if you work a little less. I know that this might not be possible but what you do need to do is to take an hour for yourself. Just one hour.
And for that hour, get the hell away from home, work whatever. Go have a coffee/tea in a cafe, have a walk..do anything as long as it gets you away from your trapped situation.
It will give your battery a charge, you will be more use to your partner and it's what you deserve.
Please don't think i'm making light of your problem, I'm not. I have had ongoing anxiety provoking issues over many years culminating in the Agoraphobia I suffer from.
Three years ago i enrolled at an evening class at college, 2 hours per week. believe you me, I had tried to find every excuse under the sun for not doing it even though deep down, it was something I had wanted to do for ages.
I felt guilty for stepping out of the problem zone (home), terrified of making a prat of myself, horrified that it would bring back memories of school and an overiding fear of failure...my hubby practically had to drag me there!
I have just taken my GCSE in a foreign language and am expected to get an A or so my teacher says. :)
The world didn't collapse without me, my daughter was still ok when i got home and more importantly, for 2 hours I could forget what was happening outside the college gates.
Please, you can find that hour, discuss it with your partner and enlist her help.
You owe it to yourself. :)
Hello again and thanks for all your replys. I've been to the doctors and was given 10mg of citalopram. After 3 days of taking it everything is soooo much worse! I slept for 2 hours last night and spent all night with the most extreme axious feeling and on the verge of panic attacks all night. Everytime i fell asleep i woke within minutes panicing! I'm at work now and have felt anxious all day, i've got a headache, dry mouth, dizzyness, feel spaced out and am trying my best not to have a full blown panic attack. This really isn't fun! I've read that this can be normal in the first week or two but this is unbearable!
@ladybird
you make sense to me. all i'm doing is caring for people and not myself. doubled up with preassure i'm getting off my so called senior wannabe boss, who isn't even my boss! She has taken a dislike to me because i have questioned her about a few things she has done and proved her wrong. She is 54, im 24! i've worked in care longer than her and she doesn't like it! I'm having a meeting with her at 4 which is making me more anxious because last time i had one i just got a roasting for no reason. I'm going to report her because it's bullying and just causing me more stress i don't need! I am starting to take time out but when i feel this bad i don't want to do anything. i really hope these side effects ease off
hiya I feel really upset for you, I really do, this so called boss of yours sounds a right dragon, doesn't she know what is going on in your life at the moment, there seems to be a bit of professional jealously going on with her, try to stick it out with the side effects I believe these sort of meds can take a couple of weeks to kick in so to speak, you may need some time off work hey we are all entitled to sick leave!
My problems have all been caused by work, honestly it is just not worth the hassle. I am in the process of looking for another job at the moment.
Good luck and sadly you are not the only person whom has felt like this, but have a look around the forum and go into the chatrooms, we are all here to help and support each other.
Lots of love
Heather
Hi Adam
I felt like you do now in the run up to Christmas, I'd had a lot of stress at work with a colleague who I ended up putting a grievance in against. She ended up leaving but I was still very anxious. I would constantly check my pulse, heartbeat and even ask my husband if I could listen to his heart just to check it against mine. I was totally obsessed with heart attacks and the symptoms.....then I found this site and realised that I wasn't going mad! It took a lot of self talk and reinforcement, telling myself over and over that I wasn't having a heart attack, and that if I was what was the point of wasting my time worrying as what will be will be! It took ages but I did start to calm down.
I still get very anxious and usually it can be over absolutely nothing. Like today I'm anxious because the In-laws are coming for a meal, and I just find social situations so stressful. My hearts going, my breathings faster, my minds racing etc etc. But coming on here has taught me that these symptoms are just your bodies reaction to stress and that it is totally harmless. I've done alot of reading about the subject too and that really helped.
Looking at what you've said about your life with work and your partners pregnancy etc I think it is perfectly normal that you will be feeling the effects of stress. You mentioned suicide, and although it has been said it is selfish, don't beat yourself up because you said it. I lost someone very close to me, in fact a previous partner, through suicide, and I can see why people say it's selfish. But I don't think a suicide person, who is determined to die, is that rational when they take their own life. It doesn't come down to it being a selfish act, they have gone beyond that point of logical thinking. Therefore because you are thinking about it and talking about it, does not suggest that you are seriously contemplating suicide. Lots of people say thinks like that when they are feeling really down as a way of expressing how bad they are feeling, so you mustn't feel guilty for voicing those thoughts, that's what they were, passing thoughts in a moment of despair.
You will get through this and I'm sure you will find this web site very useful.
well things have taken a MASSIVE turn for the worse and couldn't get any worse at all! We had to go to the hospital again for another scan on wednesday and got refered to a specialist in leeds because they were worried about twin 2. We went with the hope that twin 1 would be ok but accepted that we might lose twin 2. During the scan we saw them both twin 1 is a healthy baby but twin 2 looked different and i knew something was seriously wrong! The doctor took us in to a room and told us the twins had something called TRAPS which stand for Twin-reversed arterial perfusion syndrome! Which affects 1% of all identical twin pregancys and is so rare no midwife in leeds or harrogate had come across it. It's absoloutly terrible, basically twin 2 is a "parasite" it has not formed propally and lives off twin 1. Twin 1 is a "pump" twin and keeps twin 2 alive. So this means there is a very small chance of survival for twin 1 and zero chance for twin 2. We have been told that if by chance twin 1 survived it would definatly have cerebral palsy. Which would be such a huge strain on our family. The chance of twin 1 even getting that far is slight anyway and will most likely die as a result of twin 2 dieing or more likly go in to premature labour and die. The specialist recommended we terminate the pregnancy.
I have researched for hours and hours and there just isn't much information on it. There are precedures that can be done but in cases i've read ends in the death of twin 1 other than american sites claming they cure them and a baby is delivered but they don't state anything else. The english ones i've read with accounts from real people, about 10. 1 women gave birth and the baby was severly brain damaged.The others either went through precedures to save twin 1 but all died either after surgery or within a few weeks.
we've looked at it from every angle and can't see any good coming from this. the longer the pregancy goes on and the bigger the babies get the more chance there is of them dieing. My partners only 11 weeks at the moment and it's becoming more and more heart breaking as they get bigger. We are so against abortion but it seems like the only option that won't end in even more heart ache down the line.
It's absoloutly destroyed me and made everything so much worse. My girlfriend is obviously devastated too and it's so hard trying to keep strong for her.
life really is cruel and unfair sometimes. :(
one thing that has got better is the woman at work. i had a word about her and she is really nice now and has been amazing through all of this.
ladybird64
27-06-08, 22:16
Adam, I'm so very, very sorry for you and your partner.
This is an awful decision for you both to have to make and I honestly hope that you are getting some other support apart from the hospital.
You have to both do what's right for you and if this means going against beliefs that you have held up until now, then so be it.
I'm not advocating for or against termination, it's not my place to do that but whatever you decide you will have my support.
My love and thoughts are with you both, please feel free to PM me, I check in here daily.
thank you.
it's so hard. We have gone form having twins to maybe losing one to pretty much nothing. Even though they are only 11 weeks old we we're so excited and they are our kids already. we have been to so many scans and seen them growing. yesterday our scan was about half an hour and we saw twin 1 moving around so much it's heart breaking knowing that it's more than likely going to die because of twin 2. We are leaning towards a termination because it would be so much easier losing them both now rather clutching at straws and losing them both further down the line and having to register the births and deaths and organise a funeral.
it's the hardest decision of my life and its killing me. the hospital have given us numbers and people to contact for support and the specialist from leeds has rang up a few times to see how we are. doesn't make things easier but it's nice to have support.
Hi Adam
I am so sorry to hear your news and what u and yr girlfriend are having to go through.
:hugs:
love mandie x
Marginalia
27-06-08, 22:55
My heart goes out to you. A friend of mine recently lost triplet foetuses due to complications caused by one of the triplets having some kind of disorder that meant attempting to terminate one to save the other two (it didn't work).
Sometimes both alternatives are bad, and all you can do is weigh up and compromise on one of your principles.
Your future wellbeing is important and all you can do is take it into account along with the medical advice, to do what you think is right for you in the circumstances (and nobody else can judge that).
*sending hugs*
Snowshadow
28-06-08, 01:38
I am so very sorry about what you are going through right now. Life can be incredibly unfair and right now you are dealing with SO much. Thankfully the woman at work has come around. There are times in life where we just can't see things getting better, but they always do. I've just been through some terrible things myself and I am just starting to come out the other end and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For a while I was actually starting to lose hope. I'm a mother of a 37 year old son and 33 year old daughter and a grandmother to a beautiful six year old girl. I've been dealing with anxiety/panic/depression for almost 40 years now. Of course there have been many periods of time that have been good. But at this age, I can look back and see that things DO work out... things DO get better. At times we are forced to make horrible decisions, but we must always do what is best for us... NOT what other people think. You are taking care of so many other people... you need to take care of you too!!! Very important!!! Someone suggested some time off work?
andie73 - I hope you read this post. Your comments on suicidal thoughts were excellent. So well put.
I truly hope things start getting better very soon for you... there IS a light at the end of your tunnel... I promise!!!
I am so sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worse with regards to the pregnancy. I have never been through anything like this, so i'm possibly not the best person to give advice, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. Also, I wondered if it might help to talk to someone in a pastoral capacity. I mean, not a dr or a priest or anyone who might have a bias, but someone who is wise, caring and understanding. You need to take some time to make these important decisions.
I am glad however that your "boss" seems to have come round. You need all the support you can get at the moment.
Just remember, we're all thinking about you.
Take care
xxxx
H i Ad
Just to let you know my thoughts are with you and your partner at this very difficult time, Hugs to you all
POLLY
my love and thoughts are with you and your partner at this time
Emma xxx
hello, thanks for everyones kind words. it's been so hard and my anxiety and panic attacks have just made everything so much worse! We decided upon a termination, which is the hardest thing we have ever done but just seemed like the "right" thing to do. It's been terrible since, i'm heartbroken but the hospital have been great. they have organised and paid for a funeral for them. I didn't know the NHS did that? All we had to buy was a headstone which are pretty pricey but we managed to find a family business who do childs headstones at cost. he doesn't like making profit off children, which was a weight off for us. Still the most horrible thing ever, shopping for headstones for your children but it's going to be nice to have somewhere to go and grieve. the funeral is tomorrow, i'm really not looking forward to it, my anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment. I feel anxious all day and am having panic attacks everyday. I'm worried i will have one tomorrow!
My anxiety seems to have got worse since my citalopram got upped from 10mg to 20mg. It's only been a week but it is so much worse! i went to the doctors today and got prescribed 2mg diazepams which have taken the edge off today.just hoping my citalopram kicks in soon and i start to feel like my old self again. I haven't been able to grieve propally because i'm feeling so terrible all the time.
things can only get better now i suppose. :)
ladybird64
07-07-08, 23:03
I've been trying to think of something suitable to say but can't find the right words..
what I can say is that in the midst of this terrible loss you can still manage to see some light and hope for the future, which I think is truly amazing.
I will be thinking of you and your lady tomorrow. :hugs:
nomorepanic
07-07-08, 23:27
My thoughts are with you both tomorrow and so sorry to read this
Im so so sorry to hear of your loss, it makes me feel ashamed that I worry about ME too much. My heart goes out to you and your wife/partner I cant imagine what you are both going through XXX
i wish u so much good luck try not to wrry you will get thru this i hope u fell betta
i just want to thank everyone for their kind words, it's truley nice and uplifting to know complete strangers care.
The funeral went really well, as far as funerals go anyway. They let me carry the coffin which was devestating but comforting at the same time being close to them one last time. my anxiety levels have dropped massivley and feel closure now but i'm by no means better. just taking each day as it comes and fortunatly for me i work at a college so it's the summer holidays next week :) six weeks paid holiday. hopefully everything will balance out for me. my meds should be working by the time i go back to work in september and i won't be as heartbroken about my little angels. they will be loved for ever and never forgotten. i'm going to get a big tattoo to remember them. just not sure to put it on my leg or not so covered arm.
thanks again for everyones kind words :)
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