Feel like a failure but don't want to run away this time

[icklebex]

Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind me rattling on I guess I just need some reassurance. I'm afraid I'm not very good at being brief either, sorry!
Im 29 at end of the year and have struggled with depression, panic and anx since i was 19 but probably looking back since i was a child.
I've had a blip again and the 'oh not again im such a failure' thought has descended. I was sent home from work on weds by my boss who was really understanding and i already had thurs fri off so not so bad, doc has increased my citalopram to 40mg, it was work stress that set it off, or should i say the pressure I put on myself. I was not having breakfast often, no proper lunch barely a break and sometimes working 7.30 til 6.40 pm am I daft or what! Its just work has changed so much, staff left and not replaced, budget cuts and workload and back log increases everyday and I'm only on a fixed term contract. I was so happy and doing so well until now!
My feelings of failure stem from jobs I think and quitting because of this darn illness. At interviews some comment on how many jobs iv had and my heart sinks, i didnt get a job I went for last month which is always bit hard but you move on!
I look at my work history and feel such a failure:
2 years at Sainsburys from 17 a month off when i first got ill
started uni and a part time job, quit job after getting ill again after 10 mths, year out from uni as was too ill to cope, did some voluntary work.
back to uni and summer job/one day placement a week - I didnt quit this one!
got degree, started masters partly to be closer to long distance relationship, had major stress problems, didnt finish masters got post grad cert instead. had a job a nightclub for a year left this when got full time job which surprise surprise I quit after 6 weeks, couldn't cope.
then I started run of temps jobs, loved first one wudnt give me perm one after interview as told I was 'destined for better things' left and got perm job through agency felt pressured into perm job money needed,didnt really want it, sent CV off for grad job, they found out and heard I'd expressed concern that I wouldnt cope with stress during their busy xmas period, I was sacked so humiliated, escorted off premises, waited at train station in snow.
back next week on another temp job, that ended, got another one lasted for 6 months until i got a perm job as customer service advisor had stopped meds sooo excited about job, started, quit after 2 weeks, realised it wasnt what I thought, panic and as usual ran away, str8 to temp agency that day got a job in a kitchen helping prepare meals for dementia day care, that ended, ended up cleaning at royal mail and other offices, on street corner doing transport survey, an old temp employer rescued me!
but had another blip and ran away and left job after 2mths, had 3 weeks sick, back to temp agencies, brief job as receptionist part time offered perm job their but need full time to pay rent. got full time temp job 4 weeks, they gave me 6 months contract, got promotion to another team even though I said I would only take the job if i could fill the vacancy in one team as wudnt cope in the other, they put me in the other one, couldnt cope so back to old role, then got temp promotion, which is where I am at now..... after over 2 years of being with the same employer, longest for years!
soooo sorry for going on I just think who the hell will give me a perm job with a CV like that! as this job is relocating and I won't be redeployed as on fixed term, iv felt like quitting going back to agencies but I don't want to run away again, I enjoy the job and the ppl, but iv got a lovely hol next mnth I havent been abroad for five yrs, I don't wana be ill for it! The thought of going back next week, fear of making mistakes, ppl thinking i dnt work hard enuff, if something goes wrong its bound to be me, scares me and my increase in meds has made me feel tired already!!

I'm just so flippin angry at myself
Anyone else ever had a rollercoaster of jobs?? does it ever end? i need to work for my mortgage, not fair on my partner if on just one wage.

On a lighter note, does any1 elses cat eat banana?? I have mad cats?!

love and hugs to you all, Bex xxxx
:hugs:

[Oceanblue]

Hiya Bex,

You made me laugh about your cat. I have a mad Siamese, he's dead cute though. He'll eat anything, if he gets the opportunity he manages to jump in the bin and eat our left over food :ohmy: Yuk ! So yep, my cat eats bananas and anything else going really :).

As for your CV, hell,.. you should see mine !! It's about 8 pages long, no joke lol probably more now. I've been very much like you, i've always been on the move, mainly because of my anxiety. I also hate to stay in one place, as I don't like people finding out about my past history and getting to know me too well, it sets my anxiety sky high and so I move on. The longest I've ever stayed in a job is one year, i'm now 32.

I kind of got the sack once, working as a secretary in a bank in London, which I detested anyway, so I was quite glad that they helped kick my butt out and move on to something more suitable for me.

I haven't really worked for about 5yrs, since having my youngest, other than the brief few weeks working as an Infant School teacher last year, which I had to leave due to anxiety.

I've just applied for a P/T bar job waiting for the manager to get back from her hols, so i'll just have to see how that one works out. But yep, I totally understand where you're coming from, you're certainly not alone there.

xxx:flowers:

[icklebex]

Hi Katie

Aww siamese, I have 2 bengals does he have a miaow that could shatter glass?! i have 2 a brother and sister, he runs away with pieces of pizza, and most recently my Bachs rescue remedy!!

and thanks so much for having the time and patience to my longwinded post it really is most appreciated. I just want to settle somewhere!!

bex xxxx

[Oceanblue]

Bengals, how cool are they ! I'd love one of those too.

I hope things start to get better for you, it's difficult for me to give you my advice as I feel that i'm in a similar situation as yourself. I'm currently training to become a Fitness Instructor, I hope to to eventually work as a GP Referral Instructor. I'm holding back though, not in the training or studying but to actually get out there and do the job, as I feel I need to build up more confidence, it's hard,.. but I hope not to give up.

Keep going :flowers: xx

[icklebex]

they are fab a handul but fab! whats ur cat called?? mine are Nala and Kovu. maybe I should retrain too, I think thats great you are doing that katie,well done.

am terrified of going back to work! but know i need to!

thanks katie.

bex xx

[Oceanblue]

My cat's called Anouska. I know he's a boy, and that it's a girls name, but somehow I don't think he'll ever find out !:winks: :roflmao:

I love your cats names.


I would love a white bengal, have you seen them? They're amazing. They look just like a Snow Tiger, so pretty.


Good luck in the job hunting ! Keep going, stay strong and take things easy xx:flowers:

[lenor]

Hiya,

At 29 you have achived so much despite your anixety and depression problems. You got your degree even though you had to take time out, many people would have quit.

Would I be right in saying that you want to be the best you can, but to do this you think you have to do everything perfectly, take lots on and then when it gets too much (because you take on more than anyone should take on both at work and home) you beat yourself up for not being able to cope and think you are a failure?

X

[icklebex]

Thats a cool name Katie! thanks for your words of encouragement.

Hi Lenor, thanks for your post. Yeh I guess you've hit the nail on the head I have major perfectionism issues! always have had, I'm just nervous about going into work now, there is stuff laying waiting for me that I'm not sure how to deal with and a lack of anyone to help at the mo! I keep saying just do your best bex, your doing ok and then 'my best isnt good enuff, im gona get phonecalls from people complaining, stay at work later and later to get my workload done, if I do't do it who will' and so on!

Its a vicious circle that I need to break once and for all!

thanks Lenor xx