Anxiety effecting my relationship

[mlondon]

I am beginning to wonder whether anxiety, worry and obsessive/catastrophising thoughts is effecting my relationship or perhaps it is just me or my boyfriend or the combination of us, who knows.

I am constantly worrying whether he loves me, how I would cope if we split up and whether he is taking me for granted. He rarely says he loves me anymore and he says that he sometimes finds me really anoying. I feel I get uptight about things and put pressure on him and this all comes through and has an effect on our relationship.

Yesterday I had a go at him for not saying thank you, i think I was just feeling unapreciated. My mind is constantly thinking does he love me. My best friend has said to me when are you going to accept he loves you and his other people have told me to chill out mroe. I have watched my mother being messed aroundby men and totally hurt and I think it makes me over react as I don't want anyone to take advantage of me. I want our relationship to be fun but I seem to place expectations on it. After I got anoyed with him he told me he feels trapped. I am so worried that we are going to split up and it has given me a sunken, low feeling all morning as it is all I can think about.

Whilst I know I am fairly attractive and have a good job and have nice qualities I constantly feel I need to be more for him to love me.

Is this anxiety? How do I stop my worry and obsession about splitting up/does he love me/shouldn't we be married by now etc from ruining my relationship and playing on my mind?

Its making me feel really low today.

[kaz79]

I too worry about my relationship. My anxiety often turns to anger as it is like a relief from the constant anxious feelings. This is often taken out on myself or my partner.
I worry he is only staying with me coz of the kids and I always feel like an outsider.
I dont have much in the way of advice to offer but to maybe explain how you feel. If anything it might just make you feel better:hugs:

[cece]

Concentrate on the things that are within your control and let all the other stuff go. I know it is easier said than done but you will feel so much better if you can learn to do this.
Read up on cbt and start doing the TEA form exercise and I think that will empower you and make you feel better also.

[Bill]

Ask yourself some questions...

Does he provide you with lots of affection?
Does he comfort you when you feel low?
Can you turn to him for support when you're troubled?
Does he help you whenever you need it?
Does he look after you in the way you need?
Do you trust him?
Can you rely on him at all times?
Do you feel you can talk and share anything with him?
Does he show patience, care and understanding?
Do you feel a close bond?
Do you feel love for him because he gives you all you need?


If the answer is yes to all the above then it's just your anxiety.

If the answer is no to any of the above, would you be happy for the rest of your life?:hugs:

[Lilith1980]

Hi MLondon :hugs:

This was me a good few months ago with my boyfriend hun. I felt like this even though he'd asked me to marry him and we'd just got engaged.

I've heard many times that in order to be able to love someone else, you have to be able to love yourself first and I think this is true.

I do think this could be your anxiety and insecurity. My boyfriend got fed up with me being irritable and snapping at him. We went for counselling together a few months ago and it turned out he was frustrated because he couldnt offer me any answers. He really wanted to help me but became frustrated when he couldnt and so we'd end up rowing a lot because I thought he didnt care.

The questions Bill has asked are vaild, although for me personally I'd be a little cautious with the answers because again, your insecurity and anxiety could determine the answers you give and therefore you could end up with some "false" answers if this makes sense.

I had fears (and still do to some extent) of being abandoned and let down. This was due to past relationships and also, I think due to the death of my Father at a young age.

You say your Mum has been messed about by men and maybe this could be one of the causes of your insecurity. Has this been going on since you were young? Do you think its been "ingrained" on you that men are/can be unreliable?

Over the last few months I have gained confidence and in turn this has enabled me to have a lot more faith in my relationship and increased my belief of how much my boyfriend loves me.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to look at these issues? Maybe this would help you get to the root of your insecurities :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[cece]

Great advice Lilith:)

[diamonds]

i always worry about my girlfriend going off with someone else. i do get very jealous and it has been a big problem to the point where she did contemplate finishing it. it wasnt so much the panic attacks and agoraphobia it was the calls of when she was out of where are you, what you doing, when you coming back. to me its me wanting to be out and about etc but i cant right now. we been together for about 3yrs now and i had this problem from near the start. end of the day she is still here if she wanted to go she would of by now. what advantage does she get leading a double life. its easier just to go.

just have to believe what your partner says and anything that does happen think of it as "it happens"

just concentrate on YOU getting better dont add to worry....

now to take that advice myself lol

[cece]

just concentrate on YOU getting better dont add to worry....

now to take that advice myself lol

Good advice! Like you said sometimes it is easier to give good advice than to take it:whistles:

[Charli]

I went through this in my last relationship, I would lie awake in bed at night thinking about whether he loved me or not and going through all the tiny things that would indicate that he didnt such as only putting one kiss on his text as opposed to his usuall three, etc...
You start searching for reasurance in arguing with them, seeing how far you can push them and if they don't leave you then its a sign of reassurance but not for long as you soon get back to the normal 'he doesnt love me' thought process, and no matter how many times he says it you cant accept it!
I dont think theres a simple way of just overcoming it, you just have to think more positivly and focus on the good things instead of the bad things. easier said than done though i no. As soon as you start believing that he loves you and wants to be with yopu though the whole realtionship will be so much better, youll be more confident, he'll be more confident and you will find it so mch easier to be happy together... the problem lies within your self confidence..... so keep focusing on all the good things he does that shows he loves you and remember how the good far outrides the bad good luck sweetie =] x x x

[mlondon]

Hi All

Thanks so much for all your messages they have been really helpful.

I went on a short break this weekend with my boyfriend. When we arrived I was convinced we were going to break up, I was literally analysing his every move, looking for reassurance that he loved me. Why didn't he go to hold my hand, shouldn't he seem more excited, what did that look he give me mean etc

I think he can sense this.

As the weekend went on I began to relax around him, I guess as it was a relaxing environment and we had the most lovely time together and I feel reassured again.

I what you have all said is true and that it is about being positive and trusting people. Sometimes it is easy for our minds to select the negative or interpret something as negative!

[cece]

I what you have all said is true and that it is about being positive and trusting people. Sometimes it is easy for our minds to select the negative or interpret something as negative!

This is so true, but the good news is you can learn to change the way your mind interprets things:yesyes:

[kendo59]

It's a vicious circle.

The more unsure & anxious you get, the more clingy and demanding you get, the more he feels suffocated and needs space to breathe, the more you feel him pulling away.

Trust him.
Try believing him, when he says he loves you.
Stop over-analyzing everything.

If all you look for are problems, then problems is what you will find (even if you are blowing them out of all proportion).
Instead of looking for negative signs that will show you that he doesn't love you... try appreciating the things he does that show you he does love you.

[Alisonj]

I am sorry you are feeling low. My husband and I just started counselling on Tuesday although we have no outstanding problems I fear that my anxiety etc is a huge burden on him so I wanted to start counselling and see if that helps answer any of my questions. So far it does not seem to be an issue but we have only had one appt.
I am sure it would be hard for any partner to deal with but the love usually overpowers the problems by far.