View Full Version : My inner self
I wasn't sure whether or not to post this in this section but I thought as my usual ones go here, I would place it here.
I feel...something. I cannot describe what the actual feeling is. It is very mixed. A pleasure at a revelation I have had but sorrow at realising the journey I must make is painful.
I have always believed I have an inner self. Now I know. She is seperate from me, apart in thought and feeling but she shouldn't be. She is trapped by negative thought, fear and shame. To compound this internal trapment, she has the chemical combination that stops her from creativity, loving, feeling.
To be truelly happy in life, she and I have to join. We are meant to be as one but at present are very seperate beings and she resents me for trapping her and I pick up on that, so I dislike myself.
The journey will not be nice as in there beside her are demons that keep the doors locked, only every now and then, letting her see out the window and allowing her to smile for a while or to laugh. Transient pleasures that keep her alive and further torment her. She does not want to die, definately not. But she does not want to live as she is. She longs to feel life, to be part of it and embrace it's cacophony of pictures, sounds, smells....a sensory overdose! We, she and I, need to release those demons with zeal and determination. To cast them out, strip them of their hatred and evil minds. To weaken them so that they may never be as powerful again. Yet I know they will fight. They have been there a long time and are comfy in their squallor and their leech like lives. They will fight and strive to maintain their masterly role inside my body, mind and inner self. They will attempt to trick us with their images, to trick us into subservience but it is not going to happen. She is here with me. She has let me know she is here and she wants to get out to be with me, to allow us to become one. When we are, true happiness and contentment is our reward.
Happyone
xxx
I heard her calling. Not an audible call but I heard her. It is a life inside me, like having my children. I want to care and nurture her. She is beautiful in mind and spirit and needs to be free of negativity. Like a foetus feeds with the nutrients from a mothers diet, she does too. Like a foetus can sense it's mothers state of mind, she feeds on the thoughts in my head. I would not put poison of the physical kind into my body when carrying my children and I strived to be a positive person in order to give them the best chance in life. I must treat her with the same but this time it is harder as my demons are all there, large as life, growling, snarling, hurting, putting the negativity there, conning and manipulating my mind...doing anything negative and nasty that builds the prison walls and keep her in her cell. When I was carrying my children, they were there but they hid. It was not the right time for them to come. Was she there then? I do not know, I was not aware of her but I think she must have always been there. I do not know if she has always been trapped or if she just co existed with me in a calm and quiet manner. Maybe I didn't need her then?
I feel so happy knowing of her existence but so sad and frustrated that I cannot release her now, alone. I feel guilty that she is trapped in a cell built of my negative thoughts by demons who have no right to be inside me. I am trying so hard to give her strength, which is already rising or she wouldn't have been able to call to me. I believe my demons gorge themselves on negativity and then further spew out more negativity, creating a perpetual pattern. It is down to me to break this circle, release the door to the prison then she will come and together we will banish them forever.
Happyone
xx
xxx
Southern_Belle
25-06-08, 23:22
HappyOne,
I am quite speechless by the beauty of your writing. It is raw with the emotions of its' content. I honestly need to reread it more to fully understand everything you are trying to say. I am truly in awe of your inspiration and bravery for writing of your revelation. I know you are strong enough to get through this and do what is needed to feel whole again. I am here to help in any way.
Your friend always,
Laura xxx
Hi Happyone - there is actually a theory of 3 selves, which I subscribe to. I picked it up off a documentary, so can't actually point you to any hard and fast evidence. Also my GF whose studying for her psycology degree doesn't agree.
The theory goes like this :
1 The person you are when alone
2 The person you show to other people
3 The person you want to be
According to the documentary (might even have been one on budism seeing some of the things I watch when I can't sleep), if you can align all three then you'll be balanced. Also, the person you are when you are alone is meant to be the "true" self.
I certainly still have 3 selves, and they are closer now than they were, but to view them as one is going to take one hell of a lifestyle change.
Not sure if this is similar to yourself or not, its just something I'm working towards. Its a big goal though, and no saying how long it will take me or if I ever will achieve it.
Krakers.
I can only be who I am at any given point in time. Apart from some basic fundamental values and personality traits I can never fully know who I am or what I am capable of, because i have not faced every trial in life there is to face.
Your prose happyone is beautiful and descriptive, and captures I believe a common feeling of disconnection between an inner and outer self. A sense of the better person being trapped inside. It reminds me of Rogers theory of self concept. the further apart the ideal self is from the actual perceived self determines your levels of confidence and self esteem.The goal is to become self actualised to be truely comfortable in your own skin.
Good wishes on your journey happyone
Pooh x
well i dont like to say im going through the same as you because im not and i no im not but growing up i feel like the whole ordeal or high school/bullies/anxitey has also left me feeling unlike myself.so do you no what i did?i wrote a song recently about a stupid boy.and writing that song sort of conected me with whoever i used to be and now i love it ive writen 2 now |(both on the misc forum)and i have to reach into my feelings so deeply and be intouch with my emotions it really really helps.maybe you ned to do something of the sort as well? you are obviously a very talented writer! i dont no what do you think?
Thank you all for replies.
Laura, thank you for your support as always:hugs:
Krakers, your post makes a lot of sense. I lean towards buddhism.
Pooh, self actualisation is defined by Maslow's hierarchy of needs and yes....I would like to get there.
Teen, I wish you well in your writing (and love life hunny!)
I would love to write stuff like this when well. Unfortunately, this was not the case. I had a time of being disconnected from reality. I have had to contact doctors and start taking meds again.
It is not that I don't feel all the stuff that I wrote, I just don't feel it as acutely as I did when I wrote this.
Sorry....I sort of feel I am letting you down!
Happyone
xxx
The theory goes like this :
1 The person you are when alone
2 The person you show to other people
3 The person you want to be
Krakers.
Yep that all makes sense to me!
Happyone - :hugs:
Love Piglet :flowers:
Southern_Belle
30-06-08, 16:02
Hi HappyOne,
I'm glad you are okay. You are not letting us down. I wish I could somehow get this across to you. There are many assets to our personalities at different times. I mentioned to you before that I didn't have my thinking cap on did that matter to you? Of course not. I change from day to day as we all do. Sometimes from morning to afternoon, well you get the picture. My youngest son can get me to change from second to second sometimes, lol. Anyways, I'm glad you are okay and I am sure your writing would be up to snuff any time.
Many hugs coming your way,
Laura xxx
Laura and Piglet,
Thank you. You truelly are great friends.:hugs:
I want to be as brief as possible.
Hospital was suggested to me at end of last week but I refused. I was obviously not bad enough to be forced,as was my fear.
I have an appt on Thurs. If it is suggested again, I am going to go. Hospital is hell, but so is life at present. If I disappear, you will know why.
Happyone
xx
happy one.
your words made me cry....what a beautifully written post xxxxx
dawny
Thank you Dawny, that is really nice to hear:hugs: I wish I could do it all the time!
Happyone
xx
Does anyone know how Happyone is doing?
Love lilibet x x
I heard from Happy yesterday briefly - taking a little time out!
Piglet :flowers:
Just popped in to say hi Happy,
:bighug1:
Jim
milly jones
14-07-08, 16:08
hugs happy wherever u are hunny
milly xxxxxxxxxxx
IS HAPPYONE OK?
Can someone just let me know that happyone and the other happyone2 are not the same? Im really confused after the earlier thread started.
Thank you
lilibet x:)
When I counted up my demons
I saw there was one for every day
And with the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away
(Coldplay)
You're not alone Happyone.
Under~The~Stars
16-07-08, 11:54
Hi guys,
Just to let you know Happyone is not around to post at the moment, but she is ok. I am in contact with her most days. I will let her know you are thinking of her, I'm sure she will appreciate that.
Big hug from me too hunny :hugs: Thinking of you.
Lou x
hi and thank you for asking after me.:hugs:
Happyone2 is not me! That is another happy soul!
I am in hospital at present but out on a day pass just now. I hope to be discharged on friday. I think I am ready to be discharged but I am very nervous.
Hospital has been a better experience for me this time and it has really helped me mend.
Happyone
xxx
:hugs:
Love Piglet :flowers:
Dear Happyone
Glad youre ok. :hugs:
love lilibet x x x
Under~The~Stars
16-07-08, 16:11
:hugs: sweetheart
Lou x
Well, I am home just now on an escorted pass.Had a lovely meal and TWO glasses of wine (no one tell the nurses!) but today I lost the plot and called them a bunch of incompetent b****rds! (which they are!) I have been asking for a doctor since yesterday morning and no one would tell me when one was coming in. I got more and more frantic, waking at 4 this morning, pacing the floor. Since 8.30 I asked for a doc, knowing full well one was on at 9.30-12.30 and not one of those pigs passed on the message. I lost the plot and called them for everything and stomped out for a walk (I have two hour passes) When I got back, doc was in but very concerned at my mental state and told me she has to report me to social work dept cos of my fears of hurting my children......yes....I lost it again! SO..........I have to go back tonight, get an overnight tomorrow (if all goes well) and go back on sunday and hopefully get either discharged or a 2 or 3 day pass. I am due to go on holiday on the 26th and trust me......nothing is stopping me!
BUT.......good news. I came home to a letter from inland revenue. They overpaid us by £5000 in 2003-2004 and I recently appealed saying it was their fault and I tried to tell them so (which is true....I tried hard to get them to take money back)Not only is the debt cancelled, but they have paid us back the £1500 we have paid back so far!
So..............with my wine and med....i will sleep the night away and have a night at home tomorrow....a decent shower....a night time cuddle from my beautiful girls and maybe......;-) !!!!
Happyone
xxxxx
Southern_Belle
18-07-08, 19:00
Dear HappyOne,
Sorry things did not go well at the hospital today. Very glad things went to well at home, especially the part about the money$$$
I do hope you get to spend the night tomorrow and have a fantastic time with the girls and hubby too!!! Miss you...
Take care,
Laura
You'll be home properly before you know it mate.
Love Piglet :flowers:
Had a wonderful day with my girls and hubby. Took them to a theme park and it was just fab. They loved every minute. Not once did I have fears of hurting them, not once did I want back to hospital, not once did I feel I needed drugs to control my thoughts and not once did I think about harming myself. All in all a very good day.
Maybe on Monday I will get discharged????????? Keep fingers crossed for a discharge or at the least, a three day pass.:)
Happyone
xxx
Hi Happyone
Good luck and take care:flowers:
love lilibet x x x x
Glad it went well mate - fingers crossed for Monday.
Love Piglet :flowers:
I am home! Discharged!
I am not quite 100% well but at least I realise this and I am co operating with docs to get my meds to a therapeutic level.
I will post more another time. I am absolutely exhausted.
Happyone
xxx
Under~The~Stars
21-07-08, 23:52
I know I've spoken to you already, but just wanted to say
:yesyes:WELCOME HOME!:yesyes:
I hope you are tucked up in bed, having sweet dreams :hugs:
Take care, hunny.
Lou x
Southern_Belle
22-07-08, 14:58
:bighug1: HappyOne,
So glad you are home. Rest up and take care of yourself, you deserve it!
Many more hugs,
Laura xxx
Thanks,
thank you laura for the e mail too. I will reply when I have more concentration.:hugs:
Hippy
xx
thinking of you,
sending you lots of love,keep safe
kindest of wishes
ade:hugs:
Thanks Ade,
Well, I have come down with a big huge bump and regretting leaving hospital. Yesterday was a dreadful day with anxiety and PA's. I hardly ever get PA's now but they were there in force yesterday.
Today is going to be even worse. I awoke at 5.15am crying my eyes out before I had even opened my eyes. It seems a long long time til bedtime.
I am going on holiday on Saturday and am so afraid I will ruin it for family with my depression.
Coming out of hospital makes me feel that I was damned if I did come out, damned if I didn't. My girls want me here with them, they missed me dreadfully. Yet, I am here but not much use to them as I am so sad, anxious and irritable. I can't manage the simple mothering tasks such as cooking.
My hubby is no help whatsoever. Yesterday I was driving the car to a shopping precinct that I have been to many times before and because my concentration is so short, I literally couldn't remember how to get there. I told my hubby and he just snapped at me how to get there. When we were there, he said we needed to go to the supermarket. I was panicking and just froze. he shouted at me "For F's sake, is it a problem?" I told him it was as I was really anxious and beginning to panic. His response was to shout again "right! We'll forget it! We need the food but you are too f anxious. Great!" I went to the supermarket but felt faint all the way round and wanted to throw up.
I asked him to collect daughter from her friends house and he was really hacked off but I didn't want to go as I saw her looking at my marked arms when I dropped her off and I felt embarrassed. Chances are she thought they were from something else other than self harm, but I wasn't sure. I had forgotten to wear a long top as I hadn't thought I would see anyone but family yesterday. He said "well, who's fault is that?" I know it is my fault, but it doesn't mean I have to freak my daughters friends mothers.
Then I told him I was going to call the crises team cos I felt so bad and hoped they could come to the house to give me something to calm me down, or at least talk to me. He was hacked off by that too. "call them if you want" he said, but it was obvious he was annoyed by the tone in his voice. I told him they had advised me to take a sleeping pill and go to bed and he just sighed in exxasperation so I ended up staying up until 9pm.
I only got out of hospital as my hubby was here to look after me. There is no chance of that happening whatsoever. I am now dreading spending a whole week away from home with him.
Happyone
xx
Under~The~Stars
23-07-08, 14:25
Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry to hear what a tough time you're having. Firstly let me give you a big hug! :hugs:
Yesterday was a dreadful day with anxiety and PA's. I hardly ever get PA's now but they were there in force yesterday.
If I'm totally honest with you, hunny, I thought this would happen. You had been away from home/everyday life for a couple of weeks. Going from a sheltered atmosphere, like the hospital - back to everyday life with everyday tasks is not an easy thing to do :hugs: It's all to do with responsibility, and obviously if you are struggling, you can't take on all reponsibility that you normally would. For things such as the kids etc, I think hubby should be dealing mostly with this for the moment - Not because you can't, but to try and reduce the amount of responsibility you have, for the moment, until things are a bit more settled :hugs:
Today is going to be even worse.
Today is a different day, yesterday is now in the past - put it all behind you :hugs:
I am going on holiday on Saturday
This honestly could be the best thing for you, sweetheart. A change of scene... a relaxing break. Just what you need :hugs: Give it a go, hunny. It's worth a try isn't it?
My girls want me here with them, they missed me dreadfully. Yet, I am here but not much use to them as I am so sad, anxious and irritable. I can't manage the simple mothering tasks such as cooking.
Ofcourse they missed you, sweetheart - they are your girls! You're pride and joy! :) They love their mum regardless of how things are at the moment. I know from my own experience that my mum just being there is enough. So, don't ever feel pressured into being something you feel you have to be. Because you're girls love you just the way you are :hugs: And also, like I said above, hubby should be taking on most of the tasks at the moment, to give you time to get back on your feet.
My hubby is no help whatsoever.
I was sad to read this. You know me hun, and you know I'm always honest with you. I know you may feel he is being very unsupportive at the moment, and by the sounds of it I agree, he could be doing more! But, I reckon he's just really missed you, and he wants you to get better. He probably feels powerless that there's nothing he can do to make you feel better. His reaction to that is anger or frustration... I know it's coming out towards you, but I think he's more angry and frustrated with himself, for not being able to help. Hubby's a good man - give him time. It's been a hellish time for you both recently, time's a good healer though :hugs: I am not excusing his behaviour for one second, just trying to look at why he is acting the way he is.
Thinking of you,
Lou xx
Southern_Belle
23-07-08, 14:46
Hi HappyOne,
I too am sorry that things are not going well. I agree with Lou that you were in a controlled environment and now everything is out of control. I imagine that your hubby wants to "fix" things and he can't, thus he is angry. I imagine he is upset at you because he expected everything to be honky dory (USA slang for wonderful) when you got out of the hospital and of course it isn't, how could it be? Much too soon for that! Both of you are probably frustrated and if you talk it out hopefully things will get better. Please tell him how you feel and that you need his support right now. I also agree that going on holiday and out of your normal routine (meaning duties) will help. I do hope you feel better soon.
Love and hugs,
Laura
Reading that made me realise again how mental illness differs from physical illness in terms of other peoples reactions - if you had a broken leg noone would expect you to get up and wash up would they but it just doesnt seem to work the other way round. :lac:
You have to have felt mentally very crap at some point in your life to get even one iota of how debilitating it can be. I could have cried reading about you going to the supermarket cos that is how I feel when I'm there too - it sort of makes you feel like a little lost toddler in a world you can't make sense of. However that isn't the case all the time lovie is it - at the moment you have a woolly head and that just needs time to clear and perhaps a holiday is just what you all need.
I agree about the girls just being glad you're home and they won't mind much if your input is somewhat low key for a while mate - just having your presence around is enough.:hugs:
To be fair to hubby I think his reaction is actually a very common one - sort of like a tantrum of stamping the foot and saying 'Does everyone appreciate me for holding the fort and when is it my turn for attention'. It's hard hun - not many of us are born as selfless angels so I think if it were me (despite the fact you maybe thinking he's a bit of w**nker at the mo) I would sit him down and tell him how much you appreciate all he's done and that you've missed him and the girls heaps but you're not a 100% yet still so will need his understanding for a little while longer!!
Also is there any chance of roping in help from other quarters (people you feel comfy with) like your mum at all???
I'm glad you're home Pegasus :hugs: /
Love Piglet :flowers:
Southern_Belle
23-07-08, 16:05
Hi,
Lou and Piglet put it much better as their words were what I was trying to say too. I'm having a foggy day todayl.
Many hugs,
Laura xxx
Thanks folks,
lou, you are right hun about coming from a sheltered environment. The biggest worry I had in there was whether I could have the concentration to read, or to choose to stay in bed and miss breakfast or not. I have not had responsibility of the kids, cooking, cleaning etc for almost three weeks and I am finding it a bit hard. hubby is dealing with it but I think he expected me to be more well than I am. To be fair, so did I. He actually suggested me going back in today but it was not an option. I did phone the home team.
Maybe the holiday will do me good. I am asking the doc for something to help me through if I get anx bad. I don't want it for any longer than the week, but I am so scared I will spoil it for them by being terrified to go anywhere.
Laura, I have since this post, talked to him, given him a hug, told him I appreciate all he has done over the past three weeks and explained that I had hoped I would be more well than I am but I am not. Here's hoping it makes a difference. You did not come across as foggy at all!
Piglet, you are right in that if I had a broken leg, he wouldn't be expecting me to be up and busy. I may point this analogy out to him if necessary.
I know I don't get PA's often but I always get scared (surprisingly enough!) when I do...thinking "oh no, here it goes again" I know when I was first ill and used to get them all the time, I am sure it was you who advised me to make myself go out and about, as I was so scared to go out at that time. It is so tempting to just stay in my safe little box.
My mum offered to help today but I don't really want her around just now. I get very controlling when I feel bad and just want myself, hubby and girls to stay in the house:blush: I did go down to see her today though and blubbed on her shoulder.
I went to my bed in the afternoon and I have told my hubby I am going to bed mega early (6-7pm), taking a sleeping pill (my god....is this me talking? Sleeping pills?) and hoping to sleep until 7 am tomorrow. Hopefully a good sleep will help me face tomorrow.
Thanks again
Happyone
xxx
Hi happyone
I hope that your snoozing well now as i type
Love lilibet x x x
:hugs:
Love Piglet :flowers:
The joys of ultra rapid cycling of moods. I go to doc this morning in a complete state....get prescribed valium for a week to calm me down. This afternoon I am fine and wouldn't dream of taking valium! Hopefully my new meds will soon sort out my shifting mood swings!
Happyone
xxx
honey
im no psychologist but when i go to my gp in a state he tends to offer me some kind of respite,even if it is in tablet form.maybe its the fact that someone has acted positively upon your distress,and with me,if someone does that,i respond by calming and breathing a sigh of relief.i hope you can have a peceful time soon
lots of love ade :hugs:
Thanks Ade,
you may be right. Knowing I have the tablets there for just in case, makes me feel a bit easier.
Happyone
x
Going on holiday tomorrow for a week. Valium packed.....but I will be too anx to take it! LOL
Happyone
xx
Have a ball. Don't be afraid to take it if you need it. Where are you off to? I'm going to Spain in 2 weeks time. First foreign holiday in 4 years and am already anticipating it with huge anxiety but am sure it'll be fine once I get there - few glasses of sangria and I'll be anyone's lol. :noangel:
Thanks Jo,
I have just taken 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet as I just had a call from occupational health to book a telephone appt. I didn't even know I had been referred:ohmy: so my anx went through the roof. I will now sit and wait and see what 2.5mg does for me!
Hope you enjoy your holiday Jo. Well done on booking it!
Happyone
xx
Have a lovely time hun - don't go with any expectations, just go with the flow. :hugs: :yesyes:
Love Piglet :flowers:
Thanks hun:hugs:
Happyone
xx
Well,
never to be one without a drama.....my holiday was c**p!
I went away last saturday. When I set off I had sore glands and worried it was a side effect of meds.(Google? Moi? Noooooooo!) Anyway, by the time I got there, I thought my neck and head were going to combust! I had the most almighty headaches and glands in my neck were so painful and by the sunday was covered from head to toe in a rash! I was taking painkillers like sweeties! However, strangely enough, even though I knew these were all possible dangerous side effects of my new med, I continued to take it! I just felt if I stopped it then the shrink would just think it was me being a fussy cow again! I lasted until the wednesday when I thought I was going to die! I went into one of these walkin medical A&E places who contacted my doc, who said to stop med immediately!
However, I am only getting better now. Glands are just touch sore now, but I still have rash all over my body. Anti histamines did nothing but make me sleepy (which on top of all my other meds I was taking, this is NOT a good thing LOL!) so I am thinking I have maybe just had a weird virus and not an allergy after all. I had such high hopes for this med too as it is supposed to be one of the better ones for rapid cyclers (and it doesn't cause weight increase!) But it might just be that the med has taken a few days to get out of my system. Don't know if shrink will be willing to try it again. Bummer.
BUT....I am home now and hallelulah! Got loads of stressors coming up, am worried about the effect of not being on this med and am considering asking hubby to leave me! Quite a good week in all coming up really.........
Happyone
xx
milly jones
02-08-08, 21:19
hugs hun xx
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Piglet :flowers:
Thanks,
please ignore my self pitying rant! I am shocked at some of what I wrote......asking my hubby to leave me???? Ok ok after several hours stuck in a car with a man who hates driving (normally I drive but haven't felt fit) that seemed real at the time:blush: ! I can't believe I wrote it here though!
I am going to stop posting on this thread as it is really about a time that I was delusional and not very well at all.:wacko: While I feel far from mentally sound at the moment, I am not in the same head space as I was when I created this thread.I would like to try to get myself away from this thread though, as even it's title is quite a painful reminder of somewhere I was.....and really didn't want to leave, but had to. I actually cried to my shrink when that time was over, as it was lovely when it lasted.
I will not say that I won't post again on another thread, as I have felt the need in recent times to post my depressive stuff. However, for the mo, the book is closed! LOL!
Happyone
xxx
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