New member here

[binashubby]

Hi,
Paul here from the UK. I am suffering really badly. Even the smallest little problem seems completely insurmountable. You are listening to someone who up until 13 weeks ago did jiujitsu/cage fighting 3 times a week. I could cope with anything. Then I broke my ankle, which is still paining me when I walk.
At this present moment in time, the only things that are keeping me going are my wife/mother/cats. If it wasn't for them, then looking forward to the afterlife...
I thought I had a panic attack 4 weeks ago, but it seems to have blown into a full depression/anxiety disorder. From being willing to fight anyone, I now fear rain, wind, leaky roof, being on my own, going home, waking up in the morning and generally the future. Its as if the old Paul never existed, and a new Paul has taken over.
Help ?
Thanks
Paul

[belle]

Hi..
Sorry you are going through this.
Have you been to the doctor and asked for their advice?

x

[binashubby]

First time I went he suggested reading up on CBT and going to the gym. Since then the depression side of things has got worse and have become longer lasting. Waking in the morning crying etc. So I am off to see them again this afternoon.

[milly jones]

talk to ur gp re cbt and /or meds hun

dont know what ur views on meds are, but in my opinion u reach a point where ull try anythig to regain ur life. side effects can never be as bad as the anx / dep, but thats just my experiences.

use nmp to post, read website, come to chat, were all here hun.

the gym is a good idea too, i walk to decrease my anx.

my psychiatrist also suggests making a simple timetable with goals to aim at each day. this means i have to get up out of bed etc and do something in the house eg unloading the dishwasher, praps go to the shop or walk the dogs. it helps keeping routine in ur life cos its easy to fall into bed all day and night with depressive illness

ur not alone hun

milly xx

[binashubby]

Have talked to my doctor this afternoon. She is 95% that I am suffering from a type of Post traumatic stress type thing, but checking my thyroid to make sure. In the mean time, I have to go to the gym and pump iron - lots of it, otherwise it could be the happy pills !
I am feeling slightly better now. We'll find out in the morning.
Milly - what part of Wales are you from ?
Paul

[frudster]

hi
im new here so don't really know what to say- my friend had a climbing accident and nearly lost his foot - For quite a long time he had real problems with the stress from this he obviously was off work for a long time - hes a teacher . He told me he had really really bad feelings and thoughts after the accident i think this is normal after an accident - your family will get you through this - im sure x

[binashubby]

Hello All,
How ever muchbetter I was feeling last night has evaporated. This morning very tearful - I just seem to have lost my grip on everything, And worry about everything.

[Marginalia]

binashubby - I feel for you, having been through this myself just a few months ago. It didn't come on suddenly like yours with the ankle thing, but gradually, until I found myself like you swinging wildly from my normal self to a gibbering wreck, completely unpredictably. I found myself bawling my eyes out for hours on end, not knowing why. The anxiety came rapidly on its heels, because, well, it's damn scary losing control.

Like you when I'm feeling down, every small task seems like a mountain, and the smallest setbacks or trigger words bring me down like an avalanche (hmm - the metaphors are getting a bit mixed there).

Is this the first time you've had anxiety/depression?

It's really good you are going right to the doctor and asking medical advice on treatment. And your determination is admirable. Keep up the good work, and definitely keep going back if it's not working for you. You will get through this and there are a lot of different things available, from coping mechanisms to medications to counselling. Going to the gym is good :yesyes: . There's lots of advice on this site, and also there are good self-help books, if you want a bit of hand-holding to ride out your panic attacks. Different things work for different people, and if this is all new to you it might take you a bit of trial and error to work out what helps you. Might be worth keeping a journal to record what triggers it off, how you feel, what your thoughts are, and then afterwards what kind of things seemed to help. (For me, writing things down helps, as does coming to this site, as does reading self-help books about panic/anxiety. I haven't tried relaxation exercises, or medication. I am also seeing a counsellor because I think a lot of things came to the surface that I hadn't dealt with when I was younger).

Anyway, hang in there. It will get better. Ups and downs are an inevitable part of it. But when the ups start getting longer and the downs shorter, that's the beginning of progress.
People are always on this site if you need to talk or have company in the wee small hours.

Marginalia

P.S. My cat doesn't understand depression/anxiety - she doesn't care if I am crying or raging* - she just wants food, now! I hope yours are more sympathetic ;)

* My counsellor says that underlying depression is anger (at oneself or others) - so I'm trying to find the anger to let it out.

[binashubby]

Hello Marginalia
No, this isn't the first time I have had it, but this is the worst that I have had it. I suffered problems after my open heart surgery in 2001 (34 then). Delayed reaction. Symptoms came on about 4/5 months after the op. It was a life changing event, and I wanted out of everything. Then I discovered that things weren't actually that bad in the new life (no alcohol, smoking etc). I had a badish anxiety attack then about 2 or 3 years ago I think. That was a minor problem but it really kicked in badly and affected me for weeks afterwards.
Then I made a breakthrough - I discovered something that I loved doing - Jiu Jitsu and cage fighting. I did that for 2 years. I had this sort of shield of invincibiliy around me. Oozing confidence, returning home from training in a euphoric state. Then - broken ankle. Result no more training until ankle can take the abuse again (6-12 months). Result - no confidence, no shield, every problem seems like an insumountable object.
I seem to feel worse in the morning than in the evenings for some reason. I suppose my brain has had time to work out all the problems I could face during my sleep.
Also, my wife has cancer, and I worry about her a lot. Without her I wouldn't know what to do. My cats are wonderful. They know that there is something wrong and will come and lay with me at night when I have an early night and the wife is downstairs watching telly.
I am off to have an early night tonight. Managed to get some triazepam off him, so going to pop one of those tonight.
Write and let me know how you are doing.
Paul

[marie1974]

hi paul it is totally understandable why u r feeling this way, exercise is my key thing to keep me functioning i brisk walk miles every day and feel bad if i dont, so with a broken ankle i can see why this has made u feel this way. my advice coming from my own experiences of dep yrs back and anxiety is to keep to a routine every day, dont sleep to much or think to much, try to keep busy and focused on things you want to happen. i was on meds but started exercising and then came off and got the buzz i needed from the exercise and it made me motivated, happier more positive and loads more energy. so if i was u continue with the gym just slowly bit by bit and set yourself little goals to work towards. your wife having cancer must be terrible worry hun and i really feel for you but im sure if you both stay strong and work together you will both be ok in the end. its amazing how being positive and happy can affect the body. stay strong for you and your wife and you will do just fine, you and yr wife. once yr ankle is fixed you will get your confidence back and go back todoing wot you love. things will come good in the end so never giv up ever. hugs to u xxx

[Marginalia]

Hi Paul - I've kind of flaked out with exhaustion so no time for a proper reply. Just wanted to say that you sound like a resourceful man and you may have more resilience than you give yourself credit for, since you already picked yourself up after a huge life change. You've been knocked down again. Give yourself a bit of time, allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, but know that you can and will find your resources once more, as you did before.

I hope you manage to get some sleep. Your cats sound wonderful. I think I got a duff cat. I'm wondering whether to get a second cat again, but that's for another thread. Agree with Donna your wife being ill must be having an impact on you too, so take care of yourself.

I'll check the thread tomorrow and see how you're doing.

Marginalia

[binashubby]

Hi Marginalia,
Today started off as a mixed bag. Took a temarzepan last night, but up as usual early hours. Went down to see my wife at 8:30 who was watching telly. Immediately burst into tears. Had a cuddle for 20 mins then went back up stairs and zonked out until 11:15. Doing a little something to occupy my mind now, so feeling a little better. I get very anxious and tearful/worried if I have no company.
Going to go for a walk in a bit - get some fresh air.
Paul

[Marginalia]

Hi Marginalia,
Today started off as a mixed bag. Took a temarzepan last night, but up as usual early hours. Went down to see my wife at 8:30 who was watching telly. Immediately burst into tears. Had a cuddle for 20 mins then went back up stairs and zonked out until 11:15. Doing a little something to occupy my mind now, so feeling a little better. I get very anxious and tearful/worried if I have no company.
Going to go for a walk in a bit - get some fresh air.
Paul

Good timing on your post -I'd just come by to see if you had posted today. I'm sorry the temarzepan didn't stop you waking early: did it help you fall asleep quicker? (I confess I don't know what it's supposed to do) It sounds like you are finding some things which help take your mind off things. Sometimes you just need a break. But sometimes you have to allow time for the icky feelings to come out, too (alas). By the way nothing wrong with having a cry and a cuddle - it's probably what you need plenty of.

It might be that you are experiencing a fear of loss due to your wife's illness, or possibly with the ankle thing as well, a feeling that the ground could be taken from beneath you feet any time, or maybe you have been taking upon yourself too much the image of being strong and invulnerable, that your human need for love and attention and being looked after got squished and is now back wanting its share, or maybe you have spent so long 'putting all your eggs in one basket' with the martial arts/cage fighting that your confidence is shot purely for that reason. But only a professional counsellor could really work with you to see if it was anything along these lines, and give you a safe environment to express your worst fears.

It seems possible that you will adjust naturally, as you did before, perhaps finding more hobbies you can feel confident in. But if you carry on feeling rotten, or you feel it's more than you can deal with at the moment, then I would recommend counselling, because you don't have to worry then about burdening your wife or mother (or cats) and can explore things that perhaps you wouldn't find appropriate to say to people you love.

I couldn't help but notice that twice you've said you were in bed trying to sleep while your wife watched the television downstairs. Have you tried having a television in the bedroom so you can sleep/doze while she watches it next to you? (It's not recommended to watch TV in bed as it can increase insomnia, but different things work for different people, so I just wondered) It must be hard for you to sleep when your wife is up - but I guess her being awake in bed would make it harder for you to sleep anyway? (N.B. I'm just thinking aloud here really - it's probably not really right to go into your private domestic arrangements on a public message board so I'm not expecting a reply here ;) )

I completely understand the thing about getting anxious/tearful worried more when alone. Other people are really comforting. (But it may be that having other people around suppresses your worries so they come out more when you are free to think them).

Marginalia