Difficulty asking people for favours

[Marginalia]

I don't have social anxiety as such, but I am quite introverted and there are certain things I find it very difficult to do. I wondered if some of you could relate to this:

(1) making phone calls (I'm fine receiving them)

(2) initiating conversations with friends (I'm actually better initiating conversations with strangers. I'm also fine responding to friends).

(3) asking people for favours

I just have an overwhelming feeling that I am intruding terribly on other people and also I just don't know what to say, and feel completely inadequate.

It is no. 3 I wanted to bemoan today. I am taking an introduction to counselling skills course, which I am loving. However I have an assignment to do where I have to approach someone I know (but not a really good friend) to ask if they would be willing to be a guinea pig for 20 mins for me to practice my skills (and I have to write it up afterwards to eveluate how well I did). Obviously I'm a little nervous about doing the 20 min session, but that isn't a major problem.

What I'm finding incredibly difficult is asking somebody to spare 20 mins of their time for me.

I don't know very many people, and the only person I could think of was my elderly neighbour, who can talk the hind leg off a donkey: she's always telling me her worries and so on. So (I justified it to myself) I'd be doing her a favour too, by devoting extra time to listening to her. So a couple of weeks ago I plucked up my courage to ask her and she said that would be OK. But today (it took me two days to psych myself up again) I went round to see when she'd have the time, and her friend was there with her, so I explained the situation and this other friend basically said no, they had boring lives and nothing to say so I better ask someone else.

I have to get this assignment done for Tuesday and I've just been crying my eyes out (at the age of 41!) because it's taken me weeks to get this far and I've been knocked back and have to start all over again. I have only three days to find someone and get the 20 min session done and written up. I have a couple of people in mind that I could ask (my other neighbour, who I hardly know, and a friend from work), but the thought of going round to my neighbour's house to ask him, or ringing up my friend at the weekend, at this moment of time seems a mountain! *cries*

I really find it difficult to ask for favours. :unsure: Anyone know this feeling?

[ladybird64]

Hiya :)

Yes, I know the feeling only too well, I have the same problems!
I'm glad to hear you're enjoying your course but don't let this minor setback put you off.
If it's a course at a college or something similar, would it be worthwhile having a quiet word with your tutor to explain the difficulty you are having in getting a volunteer/guinea pig (:winks: )?
It might also be a good idea to mention the difficulties that you have in asking people to help you out, don't feel embarrassed about this as it's useful info for your tutor to know.
Good luck! :)

[Marginalia]

Hiya :)

Yes, I know the feeling only too well, I have the same problems!
I'm glad to hear you're enjoying your course but don't let this minor setback put you off.
If it's a course at a college or something similar, would it be worthwhile having a quiet word with your tutor to explain the difficulty you are having in getting a volunteer/guinea pig (:winks: )?
It might also be a good idea to mention the difficulties that you have in asking people to help you out, don't feel embarrassed about this as it's useful info for your tutor to know.
Good luck! :)

Oh - thanks ladybird :) Just having somebody reply makes such a difference. And knowing you understand. *hugs*

Yeah, I emailed my tutor (but she probably won't read her email until Monday), and I did tell her I had difficulties with asking people - she had to listen to me being a drama queen about asking this elderly neighbour two weeks ago *sighs at self*. Yeah, the nice thing about taking a counselling course is that it's all about accepting people as they are, with all their imperfections.

Now I just need to accept myself.... and get my act together so I can summon the courage to approach a new guinea pig tomorrow.

I'd be interested to hear more about other people who have these problems, and if there's any things you can tell yourself to make yourself feel braver. Just the strain of asking my neighbour today feels like physical pains and exhaustion all over my body (like when you've had bronchitis and are all worn out from coughing). And I spent all day procrastinating nervously before I managed to go round there at 5.30pm, so I haven't got a single other thing done or had any fun on my day off.

Well OK, I just had some food and a glass of wine, and thanks to that, and ladybird and this site, I do feel a bit better than I did.

Marginalia

[milly jones]

hi maginalia

ive got sa and i do find these things difficult.

i find answering and making call very difficult, i find answering the door very difficult, i cant atlk to neighbours colleagues etc. i can only seem to talk to ppl who i know undersatnd whats going on inside my head, and that includes on nmp.

someone msned me the other day and asked if i wanted to ring, i couldnt i just froze. think theyre upset with me now.

as to asking favours i cant. i walked most of the way back from hosp other week some 13 miles cos i wouldnt ask for a lift. i would rather do things for myself

i cant ask my parents to help get things even though they offer. i feel beholden to them and feel like i owe them if i do.

i think its just the way i am at the moment, dont want to be trouble to anyone. favours are things i do for others to make them happy, not things they do for me

so ure not alone hun

milly xxx

[Marginalia]

Aww - thanks milly - it is so comforting to hear other people's stories of similar things. Makes me feel less wierd ;)

This in particular really rang a bell with me:


as to asking favours i cant. i walked most of the way back from hosp other week some 13 miles cos i wouldnt ask for a lift. i would rather do things for myself


Yes! God - I even hate taking taxis, even though I'm paying for them! And I get really stressed when I'm at a supermarket and can't get my shopping packed in bags quick enough, because I feel so guilty that I'm holding other people up. Thank goodness I can do my big shopping on the internet now.

There's also been times I've spent half to one hour travelling somewhere (including bus fares) rather than make one simple phone call (asking something at a designated inquiry desk is easier for me).

Hmm. Maybe I have mild social anxiety...:ohmy:



Edited to add: Yeah, I hate being beholden to people too. I annoy guys who take me out because I insist on paying for my own drinks/food, and I hate owing money to people. I have got a bit better as I've got older: because I really enjoy doing things for other people, it finally got into my thick head that I shouldn't deny other people the pleasure of doing things for me. Parents especially, really get a lot of joy out of it. So I can accept things from people, by continually reassuring myself it is what they want.

[Marginalia]

Well, I just plucked up the courage to go and ring my other neighbour's doorbell, but he must be out. Anticlimax. So then quickly, before I had second thoughts, I rang a friend who lives nearby. Seems I only have her old phone number - number unavailable.

Well, I could pop across and ring her doorbell, since she only lives two minutes away, but nooooo for some reason it is less scary to go to work where (I think) I have her new number, so I can phone her (that way I don't have to see or reveal facial expressions if I ask and she says no). So, just taking an hour instead of 2 minutes... heigh ho.

Anyway, I was (after several hours procrastination) brave and I deserve a rest, I feel. It'll be good to get out and relax, thinking I've done my best.

[Marginalia]

Aaaaaaah - happiness!

Phew.

I got my friend's phone number and just got round to ringing her and she said yes, she will be my guinea pig tomorrow.

Now I can get on with the business of getting anxious about something else instead.

Thanks for being here, nomorepanic site *pats site*, and thanks especially to ladybird and milly for understanding me stressing out.

Marginalia

[ladybird64]

Now I can get on with the business of getting anxious about something else instead.

Marginalia

Ah, such familiar sentiments! :D

I got a wee shiver up the spine after reading how you dealt with the taxi and packing the shopping at the supermarket..I do exactly the same thing so I'm hoping it's not Social Anxiety.
I absolutely refuse to add another type of anxiety to the list I already possess! :D
I'm glad to hear you got your guinea-pig and that you didn't go into complete meltdown in the process, now you can relax and enjoy your evening..hopefully! :winks:

Take care