i cut myself - i'm sorry

[Jas82]

Today i did something i haven't done for years.. i cut myself it's such a pathetic cut.

I feel so screwed up but apparently i'm not mentally unstable enough to warrant any kind of treatment except anti anxiety medicine which i don't want.

I just went out for a drive to try and get out of this mind i'm in at the moment but the whole time i was driving i remembered i had scicors in my glove compartment. My head hurts really bad. I feel so bad i'm angry i've done this to myself and i'm also angry i didn't do it properly. i only do it to hurt myself i used to do it to hur myself and aferwards i would have such a release. I have scars on my arms from 10 years ago where i used to do this but as i didn't bleed much i've had no release and my head hurts. i wanted to tell my mum but i didn' want her to sad like she used to.

Maybe i should print this out and take it to the doctors and see if they think a sane person would write this.

I'm hoping this will give me a release talking about it. My boyfriend went to the pub and said we would talk later..

[thevoicewithinme]

Jas, I am a self harmer..although not many people know, but because you self harm, does not mean that you are insane. I do understand how cutting yourself gives you some kind of relief, if only momentary. My boyfriend does not understand how or why I do it...but I have done it for many years...long before I met him.

Some people think that self harmers are people who are seeking attention...this I disagree with, because when I self harm, I always keep my cuts covered and I am very careful that nobody sees them.

I think that if you do tell your Doctor that you do this, like me they will agree that you are not insane, I finally admitted to mine two months ago that I self harm..and I have not been sectioned.

Please talk with your boyfriend, as I have found that having someone who knows about it, and will talk with you about it..does help.

You are more than welcome to pm me anytime you wish.

Kaz

[Jas82]

Hi

i know i always cut myslef on my arms then feel stupid as like you say i don't wan people to see or know i have done it. The doctors know that i have done it before but i am reluctant to tell them as they described the last time i cut as a small scratch (i read what he typed on the screen). I was so angry yea it may have looked like a small scratch to him although it was two weeks after i had done that a small scratch to him is a big deal to me a big deal cos i actually decided that i wanted to get a sharp and hurt myself.

My boyfriends back from the pub now acting like nothing has happened. i feel so bad inside. I can't believe i have done this again afer so many years of not doing it.

Will i always be a self harmer.. like a smoker.. once a smoker always a smoker?

Thanks for your reply. If you ever need to vent or anything feel free to contact me. I learned to vent and write poetry instead of self harming. i'm really dissapointed in myself.

Speak to you soon x

[thevoicewithinme]

Hi again :)

I can't answer if you/me or any other self harmers will always be like this, that I don't know, but I do know with a lot of self control, you CAN stop yourself from doing it, not easy I know...but when the urge hits..try and find something that will distract you. It has taken me a long long while to do this (and not always succesfully) because as you know the urge is so overwhelming, and I don't know about you, but I seem to go onto automatic pilot at the time, almost kind of numb, it is so hard to explain.

Sadly for me, I also know that my two eldest boys are self harmers, which I do blame myself for...even though as I said earlier I have always tried to hide the fact that I do it.

Kaz

[HereIam]

Hey,

I used to self harm when I was younger... during the time I thought I was insane but finally realised I wasn't and you're not either. Anyone who has never self harmed will never understand, some will try and be far better than others but I think its one of them things you have to go through before you know why you do it/did it. I don't believe it's something people always have to live with as I don't do it anymore and I think if I have made it this far I can continue this was. I was very depressed due to circumstance and still have some very down days even now but have learned different ways of dealing with it, I don't know if they would work for you but they did for me. First thing I'm a christian... so obviously I believe prayer works (however I realise not everyone does and thats fine) but also when I get really bad and have the thought that I might want to hurt myself (which I don't so much anyone as I use different methods) the things i tend to do are
1. Always have one person I know I can talk to anytime of day and tell them exactly how i feel and what I want to do - talking about your feelings really does help.
2.sometimes I actually just write everything I'm feeling - in real detail! and then after doing it I either feel better or I complete destroy the paper (may sound a little crazy) but like almost take it out on the paper.
3. Do any other thing that will take my mind off it. Cleaning, exercise, just get out the house because I know I won't do it outside.
Like I say you are not insane and If I read your message right you said you hadn't done it for ages and then done it again... so I guess you can stop doing it as you did before but sometimes as we are human we go back to our ways I know I do.

Don't know if that helped at all but once I can go on chat would be great to chat with someone whos been through the same sort of thing

Take care! x

[Jas82]

Hi

Thanks for replying. I don't think I am a religious person I only started to believe in god after both my nan's died.

I did use to write poetry when I was down my counsellor taught me to vent my feelings in other ways and it helped but I haven't been like this for years so don't know where my books are (there are quite a few). My advice has always been to write when your down. It's a shame I couldn't do this.

I didn't know what to do yesterday my boyf was down the pub and we'd had an arguement. I didn't want to go to my parents as I didn't want to make them sad. I texted one of my friends to say I was f**king up she texted back and I replied then she didn't text me for about three hours which made me feel worthless to her. I couldn't tell my other friend as she knows how I feel and she preaches to me about anxiety and I don't want to hear it she has tried several different methods to help herself and each time she tries to make me get envolved when I'm dealing with it in my own way admittably not always the right way.. I had no one yesterday except this site and that made me feel really low.

Me and boyf have made up and only one cut has remained the others were pathetic and didn't bleed and no one has noticed the cut which is good so I don't have to explain myself and make up stories.

I think I'm out of this mood now and feel a bit better so thanks to you both for your posts x x next time I'll try to write instead of taking it out on myself and also tell the doctor