chikstar
29-06-08, 14:30
Hi, my name's Jo, I am new to this forum and new to forums in general. I have read some posts from various people and would like to share my story.
Well I don't know where to begin, at the start I suppose. I have suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, I don't know why it started but I was always frightend that my mum was going to leave me. I would never stay round any of my friends houses or even want to go and play because I was frightened that something was going to happen to my mum, I don't know what or why. I grew up in a very loving home with a brother and sister and a great mum and dad, I couldn't have wished for a better family.
To begin with at school I was always very panicy, always going along with my friends so they would accept me. When thinking back they were quite horrible to me. Then one day I had had enough and I went completely the other way. Nothing bothered me anymore and nothing could hurt me, that was when I was about 14.
At the age of about 20 I began a relationship with my eldest sons father, I was quite happy. I fell pregnant wth my first son, at his birth he had the cord around his neck twice so the midwife flipped him over and back a couple of times to get his breathing going. My mum and my sons dad were at the delivery and my mum had never seen anything like the way she threw my son around. Anyway at a few days old I pointed out to my midwife a broken blood vessle in my sons eye and she said it was caused by crying, but my son didnt cry at all which I told her. Three weeks later my son was rushed in to hospital with fluid on the brain, they acused us of shaking him. No matter how many times I had said there was somthing not right about him in them few weeks the midwife and health visiter later denied it all in court saying I had never raised any concerns and the result was I had him taken off me and placed with my mum.The feeling of having your child taken from you when you have done nothing is, well I dont know how to write it but it was gut-wrenching. After 2 years of court I finaly got him back and he was fine with no long term damage.
After that my relationship broke down with my sons father. It was a horrible break up and he wouldn't leave me alone so I went to stay with some friends in London. A few weeks had past and I left my friends flat to go to the garage, this is the hard bit for me to write so i will keep it brief. I was gang raped in an attic by three black men for around 8 to 12 hours. I had a gun put to my head and alot of other horrible things done to me. When they had finished with me one of them took me to his uncles house for him to have a go on me, but luckily for me he was not there. Now that I was outside with one of them i started to feel like I would rather die than to take anymore.He had a big knife which he had at my side, but I didnt care anymore and I just started screaming and telling him to just do it and get it over with, I would rather have died. He fled like the coward he is.
I went to the police in Stoke Newington where I was left in a rape suite for hours all alone and then driven to be examined because the doctor wouldn't come to the police station because it was to rough! Nice ay? I didn't tell my family for a day or two I just stayed at the police station by myself, when I told my mum on the phone I think it was the hardest thing I have ever done. They came to me straight away, I will never forget the look on my dads face like he had realy let me down. I was very close to my dad. One of the men got caught but the other two didnt, it went to the Old Bailey but I couldnt face it, or them again. I wimped out.
I then turned to heroin after a year of differnt therapies and medications. My dad found out that he had cancer and I helped look after him and went to the hospice every day watching him waste away knowing he was more worried about leaving me than dieing, he was so brave. When he died I went on a complete downer, I went to Ausralia for six months. I was still doing drugs at that time. I met somone called Tony out there and we became very close, when I had to come back to England we were both gutted. Three months after I returned Tony hung himself and to this day i dont know if it was because of me. I feel alot of guilt about it.
A year later I met the love of my life and fell pregnant with my middle son, I was clean of street drugs but still on methadone. My son was born and had to be put on morphine for 7 weeks but everything seemed ok.
Three years later we found out that he suffers from autism but we didnt know how bad, again I felt guilt like you couldn't imagine. My partner has been my rock and helped me through so much and has put up with my highs and lows. Through all of my problems I tried killing myself a few times and overdosed on heroin 5 or 6 times, I am sure I wouldnt be here now if I hadn't met him and got away from the drug scene. So many of my friends have died due to drugs and I don't want to be one of them. My son is now five and is a little genius my eldest son is 12 and I have just had a baby boy who's 9 weeks old and life is good but I'm always ready for the next thing life is going to throw at me. Im still on medication but nothing too bad, I still suffer from PTSD and have temazipam for the nightmares. To deal with the rape I just tell myself it was just sex and I'm not going to let them three b***ards ruin anymore of my life. But that is much easier to do 9 years after the incident because I can almost put it to the back of my mind now, but it can always come forward again when you least expect it and to this day I still cannot be near black men. I just freeze on the spot or cling to my boyfriends arm.
I hope I haven't bored you with my life story but I had so much to say!!:scared15:
Well I don't know where to begin, at the start I suppose. I have suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, I don't know why it started but I was always frightend that my mum was going to leave me. I would never stay round any of my friends houses or even want to go and play because I was frightened that something was going to happen to my mum, I don't know what or why. I grew up in a very loving home with a brother and sister and a great mum and dad, I couldn't have wished for a better family.
To begin with at school I was always very panicy, always going along with my friends so they would accept me. When thinking back they were quite horrible to me. Then one day I had had enough and I went completely the other way. Nothing bothered me anymore and nothing could hurt me, that was when I was about 14.
At the age of about 20 I began a relationship with my eldest sons father, I was quite happy. I fell pregnant wth my first son, at his birth he had the cord around his neck twice so the midwife flipped him over and back a couple of times to get his breathing going. My mum and my sons dad were at the delivery and my mum had never seen anything like the way she threw my son around. Anyway at a few days old I pointed out to my midwife a broken blood vessle in my sons eye and she said it was caused by crying, but my son didnt cry at all which I told her. Three weeks later my son was rushed in to hospital with fluid on the brain, they acused us of shaking him. No matter how many times I had said there was somthing not right about him in them few weeks the midwife and health visiter later denied it all in court saying I had never raised any concerns and the result was I had him taken off me and placed with my mum.The feeling of having your child taken from you when you have done nothing is, well I dont know how to write it but it was gut-wrenching. After 2 years of court I finaly got him back and he was fine with no long term damage.
After that my relationship broke down with my sons father. It was a horrible break up and he wouldn't leave me alone so I went to stay with some friends in London. A few weeks had past and I left my friends flat to go to the garage, this is the hard bit for me to write so i will keep it brief. I was gang raped in an attic by three black men for around 8 to 12 hours. I had a gun put to my head and alot of other horrible things done to me. When they had finished with me one of them took me to his uncles house for him to have a go on me, but luckily for me he was not there. Now that I was outside with one of them i started to feel like I would rather die than to take anymore.He had a big knife which he had at my side, but I didnt care anymore and I just started screaming and telling him to just do it and get it over with, I would rather have died. He fled like the coward he is.
I went to the police in Stoke Newington where I was left in a rape suite for hours all alone and then driven to be examined because the doctor wouldn't come to the police station because it was to rough! Nice ay? I didn't tell my family for a day or two I just stayed at the police station by myself, when I told my mum on the phone I think it was the hardest thing I have ever done. They came to me straight away, I will never forget the look on my dads face like he had realy let me down. I was very close to my dad. One of the men got caught but the other two didnt, it went to the Old Bailey but I couldnt face it, or them again. I wimped out.
I then turned to heroin after a year of differnt therapies and medications. My dad found out that he had cancer and I helped look after him and went to the hospice every day watching him waste away knowing he was more worried about leaving me than dieing, he was so brave. When he died I went on a complete downer, I went to Ausralia for six months. I was still doing drugs at that time. I met somone called Tony out there and we became very close, when I had to come back to England we were both gutted. Three months after I returned Tony hung himself and to this day i dont know if it was because of me. I feel alot of guilt about it.
A year later I met the love of my life and fell pregnant with my middle son, I was clean of street drugs but still on methadone. My son was born and had to be put on morphine for 7 weeks but everything seemed ok.
Three years later we found out that he suffers from autism but we didnt know how bad, again I felt guilt like you couldn't imagine. My partner has been my rock and helped me through so much and has put up with my highs and lows. Through all of my problems I tried killing myself a few times and overdosed on heroin 5 or 6 times, I am sure I wouldnt be here now if I hadn't met him and got away from the drug scene. So many of my friends have died due to drugs and I don't want to be one of them. My son is now five and is a little genius my eldest son is 12 and I have just had a baby boy who's 9 weeks old and life is good but I'm always ready for the next thing life is going to throw at me. Im still on medication but nothing too bad, I still suffer from PTSD and have temazipam for the nightmares. To deal with the rape I just tell myself it was just sex and I'm not going to let them three b***ards ruin anymore of my life. But that is much easier to do 9 years after the incident because I can almost put it to the back of my mind now, but it can always come forward again when you least expect it and to this day I still cannot be near black men. I just freeze on the spot or cling to my boyfriends arm.
I hope I haven't bored you with my life story but I had so much to say!!:scared15: