breakingoutthistime
30-06-08, 19:32
Misery Loves Me Even no seem to have alot going that is something that alot dont have just cant seem to be positive and have an postive outlook half the time.
Am currently feeling pretty low mentally have had an terrible weekend fighting with partner both egos wanting their way, to be right.
Sunday 29th June went out feeling anxious and very guarded went to an shopping mall with like seven levels big mall and the place went to was very crowded full of kids etc and am not good with crowds, feeling trapped and threatned, at first was fine but knew the situation was going to get worse when needed the toilet and couldnt find them only disabled that were locked then just looked around at everyone and felt so judged like was being tested, scrutinized and felt like screaming but instead banged head, when feel like this will do that used to rip and tear skin but no will bang the hell out of my head, and it hurts after as well.
Dont want to do this but get so agitated and tense, feel out of control and its a way to feel in control like being angry when feel angry feel inpowered.
Of course its not rational and but try to tell self that but it just these horrible feelings are so intense.
The contributing factors leading to what is making me miserable and feel worthless hopeless is
UNEMPLOYMENT
SELF ESTEEM
NOT WHERE WANT TO BE IN LIFE AT AGE I AM
AN FAILURE TO FAMILY
DRIVE OR MOTIVATION TO DO THINGS IE GO FOR AN SWIM BIKE RIDE
Not going to go into it all it would take forever but main areas that are becoming draining are:
Unemployment am unemployed have been for a while and its not that am unemployable but just that am looking for a job that is going to last and be secure with recruitment agencies etc but it just takes so long nothing ever seems to happen all do is end up filling in application forms calling people back sending out CV's nothing ever seems to happen. An disablity place that have been with, has helped with an assembly job interview april 4th now its july and still nothing from the Firm, no help atall just feel so bloody helpless.
Motivation to have sex, am not wanting sex just dont have the drive to do it as feel so undesirable, useless and hostile.
Want to be able to be happy and not let the things get me down but am always trying to hard personally to fit in others shoes or be someone else instead of the authentic self without all the layers of unconciouss programming by society.
Am trying to get to see an psycologist and have been for 6 months but its an referral and think this amount of time without seeing someone like an psycholoist sorry can never spell it right is what has made things worse an professional like that always seems to put things into perspective and not so much chaos and drama.
Another reason am feeling low is that am not where want to be career wise in life as most men my age are in secure jobs that pay well, am intelligent enough and have qualifications but just cant seem to get any where, love art and design and am an artist by heart but feel like nothing is ever going to come of this.
Another major factor in finding what want as far as secure employment goes is that put obstacles up because am shy and very introverted reserved not confident enough to deal with large amounts of people and the right kind of viewers to this will see how that causes problems for finding work, only really someone who is shy and introverted will understand. So finding something low key is fine but its finding it, dont want a job with a high turnaround rate that has been unsuccessfull in the past ie kitchen porter cleaning.
Exercise helps so much but again not enough money for gym a run costs nothing but its the motivation which sadly isnt what it used to be.
Am currently feeling pretty low mentally have had an terrible weekend fighting with partner both egos wanting their way, to be right.
Sunday 29th June went out feeling anxious and very guarded went to an shopping mall with like seven levels big mall and the place went to was very crowded full of kids etc and am not good with crowds, feeling trapped and threatned, at first was fine but knew the situation was going to get worse when needed the toilet and couldnt find them only disabled that were locked then just looked around at everyone and felt so judged like was being tested, scrutinized and felt like screaming but instead banged head, when feel like this will do that used to rip and tear skin but no will bang the hell out of my head, and it hurts after as well.
Dont want to do this but get so agitated and tense, feel out of control and its a way to feel in control like being angry when feel angry feel inpowered.
Of course its not rational and but try to tell self that but it just these horrible feelings are so intense.
The contributing factors leading to what is making me miserable and feel worthless hopeless is
UNEMPLOYMENT
SELF ESTEEM
NOT WHERE WANT TO BE IN LIFE AT AGE I AM
AN FAILURE TO FAMILY
DRIVE OR MOTIVATION TO DO THINGS IE GO FOR AN SWIM BIKE RIDE
Not going to go into it all it would take forever but main areas that are becoming draining are:
Unemployment am unemployed have been for a while and its not that am unemployable but just that am looking for a job that is going to last and be secure with recruitment agencies etc but it just takes so long nothing ever seems to happen all do is end up filling in application forms calling people back sending out CV's nothing ever seems to happen. An disablity place that have been with, has helped with an assembly job interview april 4th now its july and still nothing from the Firm, no help atall just feel so bloody helpless.
Motivation to have sex, am not wanting sex just dont have the drive to do it as feel so undesirable, useless and hostile.
Want to be able to be happy and not let the things get me down but am always trying to hard personally to fit in others shoes or be someone else instead of the authentic self without all the layers of unconciouss programming by society.
Am trying to get to see an psycologist and have been for 6 months but its an referral and think this amount of time without seeing someone like an psycholoist sorry can never spell it right is what has made things worse an professional like that always seems to put things into perspective and not so much chaos and drama.
Another reason am feeling low is that am not where want to be career wise in life as most men my age are in secure jobs that pay well, am intelligent enough and have qualifications but just cant seem to get any where, love art and design and am an artist by heart but feel like nothing is ever going to come of this.
Another major factor in finding what want as far as secure employment goes is that put obstacles up because am shy and very introverted reserved not confident enough to deal with large amounts of people and the right kind of viewers to this will see how that causes problems for finding work, only really someone who is shy and introverted will understand. So finding something low key is fine but its finding it, dont want a job with a high turnaround rate that has been unsuccessfull in the past ie kitchen porter cleaning.
Exercise helps so much but again not enough money for gym a run costs nothing but its the motivation which sadly isnt what it used to be.