Mind games with myself :-(

[d3niro]

Ok not to sure really where to start, Basically this is my life i have accepted the fact that i live with....constant anxiety.
I can't explain why, i really wish i knew the answers. I know i'm not happy in my job and not 100% happy in my so called relationship, nor where i'm living.
At the moment there isn't really much a can do about it.
I have no money to move..... My job bores the hell out of me right now...to the point where my mind wonders and i find myself having mini panics attacks at work. At 1 point i had a rush of panic, i ran out to the nearest chemist to grab some (QUIET LIFE). I swear they work within 15mins of taking them. I had finally calmed down.......tried taking my mind off all negative thoughts and found myself sticking out the rest of the day. But with not 100% comfort.

I can't seem to budge the anxiety completely....i just managed to let it pass now and again.
I know that hateing my job doesn't help....when i leave there at the end of the day....my nerves calmed down so much. And then come back the next morning! I feel i wanna vomit every morning with panic..just of the thought of goin in to work.

Also when it comes to my b/f i find myself gettin nevous too...i don't know why...its like i could be at work then he will pop into my head...then all of a sudden i feel sick....i start panicing thinkin "OMG if he makes me feel like this i should leave him"..... He does not harm me, cheat, he's a very kind person...... but sometimes when i think of how serious we could be gettin i freak out.
I can't leave him also, i feel i will be in major panic mode if i didn't have him any more.....i'm completly trapped by these stupid panic attacks.

I'm not a confident person at all and i do think a lot of my anxiety boils down to that fact.
Sometimes i can be confident.....i have a lot of friends around me...constant phone calls all day and thats good in a way....i find it helps with my anxiety cos it takes my mind off a lot of negative things.
Then BAM i start thinking omg i don't like this...i want these ppl away from i don't like the attention...and i start freaking out.
Whats wrong with me??? Why do i think like this?? Why can't i just be happy like every1 else.
Why do i have to think negative all the time?.... I don't understand how to think possitive....i really don't know how to do it.
Sometimes i catch myself trying to thihk negative...then freak out cos i'm panicing.....constant mind games with myself.
I'm 30yrs old...and i have suffered with panic/anxiety for 20yrs now...its becoming a joke..i have finally had enough. i just want a normal life like most ppl.

This site i found 2 yrs ago...and i kid u not...this has helped my tons. This is my bible. I don't know how i wouldn't of coped if i hadn't of found this site.
Some of the post have brought me to tears because i know ehere there coming from and it like i can relate to sooo many of the people on here. I actually cry because there are more than just me that suffers. and people must know how i feel.

Wow thats was an essay and a half... need to get that off my chest. x

[marie1974]

hiya and im sorry u feel rubbish hun, well from my experience of my own dep and anxiety the best thing is change and i have moved, changed jobs, friends etc got rid of all the negative stuff from my life. mayb u should look into why u are feeling scared of things getting to serious with ya fella too, mayb through counselling? from wot u said he sounds lovely so if u having fun and u like him i would go with the flow hun and see wot comes, and dont be scared to love. hugs x

[Bill]

I know i'm not happy in my job and not 100% happy in my so called relationship, nor where i'm living. At the moment there isn't really much a can do about it.

I think you feel generally trapped because you feel you can't do anything to change things. You feel trapped in a job you hate, trapped in a relationship that you don't appear sure of and trapped in a place you don't enjoy living.

Feeling trapped of course creates alot of anxiety so it's easy to see why you feel so panicky.

I also think your lack of confidence makes you feel afraid of changing anything and so you also feel trapped by fear in itself because fear also contributes to your panicky feelings making you feel you couldn't cope with change.

Regarding the job, I would look through adverts to see if anything takes your fancy and if you see something you hink you'd enjoy then just go for it!That would be one corner of your box removed.

Regarding your b'f. Do you love him or feel you stay with him for the security he provides because you feel you couldn't cope with your panics without him? Are you afraid that the longer you're together, the harder it will be to break free or are you afraid of commitment and settling down with him? You need to ask yourself the real reasons why you're together and what you really want in the future and not allow fear to make your decisions because if you're not happy in whatever situation you choose, you'll remain feeling trapped.

As for the place you live, look to see if there are actually any options you could consider however difficult they might be.

When we feel trapped, we need to find some light and then not allow fear to prevent us from finding a way out of the dark place we're in. There are also always options but sometimes we can't see the light for the trees.:hugs: