My Scenario

[Diz]

I have never discussed this in the 20 odd years I have been going through it until now.

I am active on a few motoring forums and moderate 2, and decided to search for a PA forum to share my story. I am going to keep this as short as possible in order to give all the details.

My basic scenario is that I suffer with PA’s, yet they are based on nothing. They come at totally random times, however, there is a definitive pattern emerging with them. My main problem is the feeling that I am out of breath when I am sat still, and the fear of not being able to breathe. I get some of the other symptoms (sweaty palms, light headed etc) but the focus is always on the breathing. My attacks typically last for a minimum of 20 minutes to my worst which has been around 3 hours. They NEVER happen in large open spaces, and certainly never when I am under the influence of alcohol, and nor would they. However they seem to be triggered when I am in a situation that I feel has some degree of permanence, and that if I wanted to get out or move, it would be weird. ( e.g out for a meal / trip in the car etc ).

When I was 6 I went through roughly 1 year of the same PA scenario (felt I couldn’t breathe) and being a kid, I told my parents. Of course I was seen by a doctor and nothing was wrong. I don’t remember exactly how or when they went but the breathing issue left for good. It was immediately followed by 1 year of the feeling of not being able to swallow. Mealtimes were always precarious but I got through it with no real trauma. That was 20 years ago now. At the time I believed I had a disease that had not been recognised in the medical world, and I expected to die at an early age. Crazy huh? When I was around 9 ish I reckon, all symptoms had gone.

However, the breathing thing came back totally randomly around 2005. I remember the moment it came back succinctly. It was a temporary 10 second flutter whilst I was at work in Central London ( I am a police officer ) and instantly bought back dreaded memories of my “disease” I thought I had. ( I have worked out now of course I have no disease ;) ). Since then the attacks have slowly increased in frequency to what I now assume is about as bad as I am going to get, as I have had around 8 months of consistent symptoms now.

I know that just like as I sit and type now, that I won’t have an attack tonight. I also know I won’t have one tommorow either. How do I know – because I have fought these for so long and always kept this all ti myself, that I guess I have learnt to live with it. But with that comes the times that I know I am vulnerable. The problem now is that I almost expect to have an attack and that often triggers it. My main fear is having to admit to others that I have the syndrome. I don’t know why but I just don’t want people to know. When having an attack, my main fear has shifted from the early days. Then I thought my airways would suddenly lock and I might die. Now I know that won’t happen, but, I know I have to ride it out, and I don’t want anyone else to know, So my main fear becomes hiding the attack from others. Of course that has made the attacks slightly more severe on occasion and changed them slightly to a feeling of almost claustrophobia, and I find myself constantly having to move / twitch / cough / scratch my head / fiddle / fidget to release the nervous energy and divert it into other movements. I have still managed to do it, but an attack I had last week has prompted me to really nail this once and for all.

Whenever I have an occasion booked (out for a meal / trip in the car / somewhere that there is a degree of permanence) and IF I worry about attending that occasion by way of having a PA, chances are I will have one. That said, I am guaranteed to have one IF the night before I have consumed alcohol and smoked. I have dealt with these attacks by way of riding them out for nigh on 3 years now. It is fair to say that they are slightly worsening though as I am having them on a more frequent basis, predicting their arrival accurately and getting to the point where I am making plans around the attacks, and having excuses ready in case I need to go (i.e oops the cat is due at the vet which I forgot / the wife has just called and is locked out so I have ot go). I know that if I have a heavy night on the boose and pack of fags, that the next day between Midday and 6pm I will encounter the “air hunger”. It is not an issue if I am on my own, or if I am outside or doing something on my own, but if there is an occasion planned, I dread it and dread it and of course when I am there, my fear of having the attack triggers it.

I don’t want to write much more as I want a chance to be asked specific questions rather than rambling. To help define my scenario I have listed a few pointers I am sure some of you can liase with:

- Car journeys are often fine, in fact I regularly drive 12 hours a day at work on blue lights with no problems. A 20 minute journey in my own car last week however turned into an 80 minute trip, with 3 stops, for me to pull myself together having felt trapped in the car and worried that I might faint and crash. This can also happen with me as a passenger.

- There are some instances that I KNOW I will never suffer an attack. Being at work is one, as I am always busy with other things. Washing the car is another, as I work hard and my breathing increases with the exercise and sorts itself out. Being outside generally negates the symptoms.

Being sat at a restaurant table, at a meeting, or somewhere where I would reasonably be expected to stay for a fair period of time can induce feelings of PA by way of claustrophobia. I work out how many toilet trips I have “in the bank”. I then work out other excuses I can have “in the bank” like having left my phone in the car etc. I plan for the attack which can sometimes cause it.

[Lynnann]

Hi Diz,

Welcome to NMP, you are not alone with this anymore, you will make some good friends here, you don't need to have excuses with us.

You will get some great advice and support here to aid you in your recovery.

Well done for taking the brave step of posting

Hugs to you

lynnann

[Diz]

Thanks Lynn.

I just think I am so frustrated by being so close to controlling it but not have it under full control.

During the last few weeks I have opted to cease the fight and actually ask for the car to be stopped by my wife who was driving, as I feel tired of the stress of constantly fighting fighting fighting. Part of my rationale is to use acceptance / sharing as yet another method of trying to curb the attacks, as I have tried almost everything.

However, on reflection, I think that in my mind, by going to a doctor, or admitting it to my family, or speaking about it to scored of people then I would feel that the condition has won. I don't feel that now as I am still keeping private and still able to deal with it. However my worry is that to publically admit it would mean the condition has won, and that maybe it would then start to control me.

I feel like I control it at the moment, but on the few occasions that I get nasty attacks they are still just as scary as anyone elses.

[Diz]

Just to add, I have so far told my wife who is a nurse, and although she understands, she woun't really "understand" what I go through.

I also mentioned it in a diluted form to my mother. Turns out she has a similar thing when driving on the M1 to the point that she can no longer drive on the M1 anymore for fear of the lorries. However, that is it, she does not suffer with any condition as suchor repeated symptoms, appears she just has a reaction to the M1 lmao.

Both have suggested councelling. My mum came up with an interesting theory, not sure how I feel about it because it doesn't fit in historically with my time spans.

My dad died at 53 in Feb due to alcoholism, and it was quite a nasty death. If anyone knows of Varices you will now, but basiclly your liver stops working and your body bleeds from the inside wherebyall your blood vessels burst. She asked whether I am scared of following in his footsteps... I dont feel that way and my attacks started well before any links to my dad...

Through my own research my symptoms seem to mirror all the definitions of Agrphobia on Wikipedia. But there are a few key differences, mainly that I have no fear of open spaces and I certainly would not ever be housebound, not at all. I also have no fear of spaces that I have not been to before.

So its all confusing really...

[jill]

Hi Diz,

I have read your thread and felt the need to reply.

You suffered from a very young age, can you remember younger than 6 years old?

I ask this quetion because my daughter suffered PA'S, high anxiety from the age of 3 years, WELL before I had pa,s high anxiety, both doing well now.

It took them 3 years, when she was 6 years old, to come up with panic, anxiety. They told me it was in her makeup to be this way, she would, learn to live with it OR grow out of it.

NOW. From what I have learned since I suffered and looked MORE into panic and anxiety. It can be in your makup, BUT, this DOES NOT mean, your can't fix it, Learn to cope with your anx and bring it down to a more exceptable level and bring your pa's, to a STOP.

I have 2 kids, my boy, is older by 3 years, he is just fine, no probs. I treated them both the same, yet when my daughter started nursery, thats when the probs started, (her first pa and many, many, many, more after that) she is 14 now and handles her anx very well, I am sooo proud of her.

What I will say on the thoughts of my daughters first pa, I feel, that alltough I treated her the same as my son, gave her confidance at a very young age, (3) so much so, she could sing and dance in front of anyone and would go with anyone. THE FIRST PA, and not knowing what was wrong, THAT, was the start of a very very long, nighmare, not just for me, but for my daughter.

Not being told on the first PA, what she had, cos they did NOT know, her pa,s, anxiety came in funny turns vomiting and other symptoms at different times, Sooo, Mr Panic had the rains, so to speak, the fear grew for us all, but mostly in grew for my daughter. She could NEVER understand her emotions, how she felt, why she felt this way and we as a family, could not tell her, cos no specialist had the answers, UNTIL she was 6. So, we as a family, unknown to us, we were feeding her, letting her NOT do things, because how she would feel, ohhh if only I new then what I know now, but the past is past, I can't change that, I focus more now on the future.

Now if you have read up on panic, you will know, that after the first pa or bout of very high levels of anxiety your mind spirals out ot control you can see places, people and a hole lot of other things as a threat, you will choose to avoid at all cost, your mind can pick and choose, where and when you will panic, ohhh blinkin hell, the mind IS A powerfull thing, As you grow as a young child, this becomes part of your everyday life. You feel, you can't change things, you don't know how too, but hun, YOU CAN, with councelling or CBT.

ohh I think I have woffled enough, don't know if I have been of any help at all, but the link maybe that you where born very sensitive and it was never picked up on, ( I have read somewhere or seen a programme on this and they say if picked up very early, it can be fixed, before the bad habbits kick in so to speak) its bad enough as an adult understanding our emotions, never mind a child. I know my daughter went to hell and back, note the word back. My family and I helped my daughter, it was dame hard, it took a very, very long time to right the wrongs of what Mr Panic did to her, she is ALWAYS moving forward. She IS such a strong brave young lady, I am soo proud of her, her last PA, was mmm, me thinks 3 years ago, took her 5 months to get back to school, BUT HAY, she did it.

You have to ask yourself, who knows you better, who knows your fears, or the fears you have built up youself over the years, hun, its you, we CAN programme the mind to panic in certain places.

This is only MY thoughts hun, that maybe, there is no link at all in your past life, apart from, you where born sesitive and it was never picked up on, so, you got worse, just like my daughter. Young minds don't know how they are supposed to feel or how they should be thinking, all they know is, they feel, at times, sooooooo scared AND the horrible emotional illness, begins. People around ARE NOT to blame, they don't understand eaither, because, as you have allready said and is allways said on her, to understand something, you have to go through it.

I DO feel though, when we know where something has come from, we may not be happy about it, but past is past, we can then focus MORE on how to get better, YOU CAN get better, with alot of hard work, the right support AND time.

Oppss still woffling LOL sorry,

I will leave it there for now, you keep looking, keep searching, this site is such a great place to be, I owe this site alot, it has helped me soo much, it takes along time to understand panic, anxiety and even LONGER to understand yourself.

TAKE CARE

LOVE JILLXXX

[JoT]

Hi Diz

I have also experienced anxiety and panic attacks since I was around 6 yrs of age for no reason I can think of, I think some of us are just predisposed to it, partly to do with personality type and also there has been proven genetic links.

I do think that feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it feeds the anxiety, trying to hide it from people and avoid situations makes it worse.

Only recently have I started to talk to people about it (I'm 35 now) and I have been so surprised about how understanding people are, and how many others feel the same way. I know you are in a position of high responsibility being a police officer, and you possibly feel extra pressure because of this.

We who suffer with this are actually stronger - and we must not see it as a weakness. Its a daily struggle to do normal things, I think its shows courage and strength to battle it. The more we talk openly about these feelings the more people will begin to understand (and many will admit they suffer too)

Have you looked into doing an online CBT course? This one is good and it's free http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/index.php - you can also get to see a CBT counsellor through your doctor.

I am a great advocate of a combination of medication and CBT, it worked a treat for me last time and completely kept these obsessive thoughts at bay, I came off the meds (fluoxetine in my case) after 8 mths and was fine for 2 years.

I'm having another bout of it but again, I am the same as you, i don't like the thought of being 'trapped' in a situation. I'm currently fretting about a car journey which will take 10 hours (and i won't even be driving).

I've started on the meds 5 days ago and feel a lot better already, now I am thinking clearer I am ready to take a refresher of the CBT - positive thinking!

You've done the right thing airing your thoughts on here, you will see there are so many intelligent people who feel the same way.

Take Care
Jo

[Cathy V]

Hi diz and welcome to nmp. Theres definately a link between alot of us on here, in that we can recall being nervous or anxious children. My mum always said i was a quiet child but highly strung, whatever the interpretation of that is in a quiet child! I can remember being scared of alot of things as a younster, and always looked at what might happen in certain situations...still do at 54, its always "what if this was to happen?" One of the members on here has this as part of her sigature "what if a tree falls on on our heads Pooh?" asked Piglet, "What if it doesn't" said Pooh. I love that.

I know alot of ppl with anxiety and panic try to avoid meds, it as if they have failed, or have given in to it...not fought the fight hard enough, well let me tell you that you have been fighting a long time and you are stronger and more courageous than you'll ever know. For the ppl who don't know how it feels, let them have panic just for one day. You sound very tired and usually by the time you get to nmp youve had enough. Taking meds can bring you some relief and help your tired mind to have a break while you recover. They dont have to be heavy meds and it doesnt have to be forever, just enough to give you a break from it.

Sometimes we have to accept that this is who we are...we're the 'anxies' and its part of us and will prob come and go all our lives, but it the waythat we cope with it that matters. Its just telling ourselves that every now and then, maybe every few years or every few months it might come back and thats ok. Its like ppl with eczema get attacks of it whenever they are stressed too, or asthmatics get worse at certain times. Anxiety and panic is our 'thing' and when we accept that its sometimes gonna be around we can find our own ways to deal with it.

If youve never read any books on the subject, then id recomend Dr.Claire Weekes. You'll see that so many ppl on nmp swear by her thoughts and ways of coping, and how to 'accept'.

Keep posting diz, you're among good people and you WILL get there...promise.

Small steps
Cathy xxx :nicked: :welcome:

[Diz]

Thanks for all the replies.

I have just come back from my holiday in Dorset which I had some concerns about the anxierty effecting my breathing when we went out pubs etc.

I only had 2 mild bouts of air hunger and managed to put a lid on them very swiftly. I think coming on here, and speaking to my wife about it has actually put into into perspective as to what it is, and I now just take the attitude of "come on then, I know you wont kill me so lets see how far you want to go".

It tends to die down after a while, and the symptoms of it are never obvious to anyone. I am always able to control it somehow.

Having read over alot of the people here on this site I think my condition is really mild, I really feel for those of you who have to base your lives around it...

[ferret]

I had breathing issues - my helpergave me an exercise to do whenever I felt an attack coming on. If I put my hand on my stomach, it should be moving up and down as I breathed. As the panic set in, I found that my hand would go still... I was breathing only at the top, without really using my diaphragm. This means less oxygen to the brain, leading to negative feelings, leading to worsening of panic etc etc.
I'm not trying to oversimplify the matter, but it helps me so much on trains for example, where I am at my worst.

[Beckster26]

Hiya

I have just read your thread about how you feel you cant breath. I can totally relate to this because that is my main problem when I have my panic attacks. I went to see a therapist who gave me some exercises but I felt that they didnt work and I felt like most of my day was taken up by my fear that I was going to stop breathing and collapse. Just reading your story has helped me to realise that alot of people suffer from this feeling and I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to how you feel and although I know this wont stop how you feel I hope you dont feel alone with your situation

Take care and feel free to let me know how you are doing

Becky xxxx

[belle]

How do you cope with the "air hunger" thing? Its something i find just happens without any anxiety needed and at times it can last all day.

With my fear its varied with what i am scared of, right now, like you, its the suffocation, can't breath thing...its been fainting and its been puking in public. I will always believe that panic grips onto what you fear the most and make those symptoms even more enhanced. For example when i feared puking outside you could guarantee i would have bad stomach issues leading up to and while i was out.

I am struggling with my agoraphobia and panic.

x

[milly jones]

hi hun

i can relate to much uv said. i have difficulties in public places too.

one thing cathy said that was most of us have had this from young. i havent. i was a chatterbox, a confident child. this all has only hit me in the last 3 years.

im on meds and have had cbt. cbt helped but something was wrong deep down. im now doing therapy to release repressed emotions, and its powerful stuff.

anyone who things this illness is a weakness should experience therapy and talking about ur fears, u have to be so strong to do it, and comitted as its so painful.

i agree about the expectation of predicting a pa, certainly for me in the day time. i was in a fearful situation this morning, and had one.

however i get them at night in sleep too, and wake up in such a state. yes i could expect one after a stressful day, but hey do come out of the blue too.

u are lucky that they dont effect ur work. ive had to stop working, even tho my job was busy. i just couldnt stop them coming, along with the negative thoughts.

i do hope u may think about the possibility of counselling, if not meds, to try and control them in case they start coming in unpredictable circumstances.

wish id have realsied that i was so ill and got help before i did.

take care millyxxxxxx