Diz
02-07-08, 02:36
I have never discussed this in the 20 odd years I have been going through it until now.
I am active on a few motoring forums and moderate 2, and decided to search for a PA forum to share my story. I am going to keep this as short as possible in order to give all the details.
My basic scenario is that I suffer with PA’s, yet they are based on nothing. They come at totally random times, however, there is a definitive pattern emerging with them. My main problem is the feeling that I am out of breath when I am sat still, and the fear of not being able to breathe. I get some of the other symptoms (sweaty palms, light headed etc) but the focus is always on the breathing. My attacks typically last for a minimum of 20 minutes to my worst which has been around 3 hours. They NEVER happen in large open spaces, and certainly never when I am under the influence of alcohol, and nor would they. However they seem to be triggered when I am in a situation that I feel has some degree of permanence, and that if I wanted to get out or move, it would be weird. ( e.g out for a meal / trip in the car etc ).
When I was 6 I went through roughly 1 year of the same PA scenario (felt I couldn’t breathe) and being a kid, I told my parents. Of course I was seen by a doctor and nothing was wrong. I don’t remember exactly how or when they went but the breathing issue left for good. It was immediately followed by 1 year of the feeling of not being able to swallow. Mealtimes were always precarious but I got through it with no real trauma. That was 20 years ago now. At the time I believed I had a disease that had not been recognised in the medical world, and I expected to die at an early age. Crazy huh? When I was around 9 ish I reckon, all symptoms had gone.
However, the breathing thing came back totally randomly around 2005. I remember the moment it came back succinctly. It was a temporary 10 second flutter whilst I was at work in Central London ( I am a police officer ) and instantly bought back dreaded memories of my “disease” I thought I had. ( I have worked out now of course I have no disease ;) ). Since then the attacks have slowly increased in frequency to what I now assume is about as bad as I am going to get, as I have had around 8 months of consistent symptoms now.
I know that just like as I sit and type now, that I won’t have an attack tonight. I also know I won’t have one tommorow either. How do I know – because I have fought these for so long and always kept this all ti myself, that I guess I have learnt to live with it. But with that comes the times that I know I am vulnerable. The problem now is that I almost expect to have an attack and that often triggers it. My main fear is having to admit to others that I have the syndrome. I don’t know why but I just don’t want people to know. When having an attack, my main fear has shifted from the early days. Then I thought my airways would suddenly lock and I might die. Now I know that won’t happen, but, I know I have to ride it out, and I don’t want anyone else to know, So my main fear becomes hiding the attack from others. Of course that has made the attacks slightly more severe on occasion and changed them slightly to a feeling of almost claustrophobia, and I find myself constantly having to move / twitch / cough / scratch my head / fiddle / fidget to release the nervous energy and divert it into other movements. I have still managed to do it, but an attack I had last week has prompted me to really nail this once and for all.
Whenever I have an occasion booked (out for a meal / trip in the car / somewhere that there is a degree of permanence) and IF I worry about attending that occasion by way of having a PA, chances are I will have one. That said, I am guaranteed to have one IF the night before I have consumed alcohol and smoked. I have dealt with these attacks by way of riding them out for nigh on 3 years now. It is fair to say that they are slightly worsening though as I am having them on a more frequent basis, predicting their arrival accurately and getting to the point where I am making plans around the attacks, and having excuses ready in case I need to go (i.e oops the cat is due at the vet which I forgot / the wife has just called and is locked out so I have ot go). I know that if I have a heavy night on the boose and pack of fags, that the next day between Midday and 6pm I will encounter the “air hunger”. It is not an issue if I am on my own, or if I am outside or doing something on my own, but if there is an occasion planned, I dread it and dread it and of course when I am there, my fear of having the attack triggers it.
I don’t want to write much more as I want a chance to be asked specific questions rather than rambling. To help define my scenario I have listed a few pointers I am sure some of you can liase with:
- Car journeys are often fine, in fact I regularly drive 12 hours a day at work on blue lights with no problems. A 20 minute journey in my own car last week however turned into an 80 minute trip, with 3 stops, for me to pull myself together having felt trapped in the car and worried that I might faint and crash. This can also happen with me as a passenger.
- There are some instances that I KNOW I will never suffer an attack. Being at work is one, as I am always busy with other things. Washing the car is another, as I work hard and my breathing increases with the exercise and sorts itself out. Being outside generally negates the symptoms.
Being sat at a restaurant table, at a meeting, or somewhere where I would reasonably be expected to stay for a fair period of time can induce feelings of PA by way of claustrophobia. I work out how many toilet trips I have “in the bank”. I then work out other excuses I can have “in the bank” like having left my phone in the car etc. I plan for the attack which can sometimes cause it.
I am active on a few motoring forums and moderate 2, and decided to search for a PA forum to share my story. I am going to keep this as short as possible in order to give all the details.
My basic scenario is that I suffer with PA’s, yet they are based on nothing. They come at totally random times, however, there is a definitive pattern emerging with them. My main problem is the feeling that I am out of breath when I am sat still, and the fear of not being able to breathe. I get some of the other symptoms (sweaty palms, light headed etc) but the focus is always on the breathing. My attacks typically last for a minimum of 20 minutes to my worst which has been around 3 hours. They NEVER happen in large open spaces, and certainly never when I am under the influence of alcohol, and nor would they. However they seem to be triggered when I am in a situation that I feel has some degree of permanence, and that if I wanted to get out or move, it would be weird. ( e.g out for a meal / trip in the car etc ).
When I was 6 I went through roughly 1 year of the same PA scenario (felt I couldn’t breathe) and being a kid, I told my parents. Of course I was seen by a doctor and nothing was wrong. I don’t remember exactly how or when they went but the breathing issue left for good. It was immediately followed by 1 year of the feeling of not being able to swallow. Mealtimes were always precarious but I got through it with no real trauma. That was 20 years ago now. At the time I believed I had a disease that had not been recognised in the medical world, and I expected to die at an early age. Crazy huh? When I was around 9 ish I reckon, all symptoms had gone.
However, the breathing thing came back totally randomly around 2005. I remember the moment it came back succinctly. It was a temporary 10 second flutter whilst I was at work in Central London ( I am a police officer ) and instantly bought back dreaded memories of my “disease” I thought I had. ( I have worked out now of course I have no disease ;) ). Since then the attacks have slowly increased in frequency to what I now assume is about as bad as I am going to get, as I have had around 8 months of consistent symptoms now.
I know that just like as I sit and type now, that I won’t have an attack tonight. I also know I won’t have one tommorow either. How do I know – because I have fought these for so long and always kept this all ti myself, that I guess I have learnt to live with it. But with that comes the times that I know I am vulnerable. The problem now is that I almost expect to have an attack and that often triggers it. My main fear is having to admit to others that I have the syndrome. I don’t know why but I just don’t want people to know. When having an attack, my main fear has shifted from the early days. Then I thought my airways would suddenly lock and I might die. Now I know that won’t happen, but, I know I have to ride it out, and I don’t want anyone else to know, So my main fear becomes hiding the attack from others. Of course that has made the attacks slightly more severe on occasion and changed them slightly to a feeling of almost claustrophobia, and I find myself constantly having to move / twitch / cough / scratch my head / fiddle / fidget to release the nervous energy and divert it into other movements. I have still managed to do it, but an attack I had last week has prompted me to really nail this once and for all.
Whenever I have an occasion booked (out for a meal / trip in the car / somewhere that there is a degree of permanence) and IF I worry about attending that occasion by way of having a PA, chances are I will have one. That said, I am guaranteed to have one IF the night before I have consumed alcohol and smoked. I have dealt with these attacks by way of riding them out for nigh on 3 years now. It is fair to say that they are slightly worsening though as I am having them on a more frequent basis, predicting their arrival accurately and getting to the point where I am making plans around the attacks, and having excuses ready in case I need to go (i.e oops the cat is due at the vet which I forgot / the wife has just called and is locked out so I have ot go). I know that if I have a heavy night on the boose and pack of fags, that the next day between Midday and 6pm I will encounter the “air hunger”. It is not an issue if I am on my own, or if I am outside or doing something on my own, but if there is an occasion planned, I dread it and dread it and of course when I am there, my fear of having the attack triggers it.
I don’t want to write much more as I want a chance to be asked specific questions rather than rambling. To help define my scenario I have listed a few pointers I am sure some of you can liase with:
- Car journeys are often fine, in fact I regularly drive 12 hours a day at work on blue lights with no problems. A 20 minute journey in my own car last week however turned into an 80 minute trip, with 3 stops, for me to pull myself together having felt trapped in the car and worried that I might faint and crash. This can also happen with me as a passenger.
- There are some instances that I KNOW I will never suffer an attack. Being at work is one, as I am always busy with other things. Washing the car is another, as I work hard and my breathing increases with the exercise and sorts itself out. Being outside generally negates the symptoms.
Being sat at a restaurant table, at a meeting, or somewhere where I would reasonably be expected to stay for a fair period of time can induce feelings of PA by way of claustrophobia. I work out how many toilet trips I have “in the bank”. I then work out other excuses I can have “in the bank” like having left my phone in the car etc. I plan for the attack which can sometimes cause it.