panicdiva
05-07-08, 21:43
Hi all, Not been here for a while. Just back today from a weeks holiday in North Yorkshire.
The cottage & place was fab and it was so very peaceful there, hubby & kids loved it to.
But, as usual it was not just the 4 of us on holiday, no, the agoraphobia monster came with us too as usual.
I was not too bad really, I had hours where I was actually ok. But at some point during the day the fear would start. I would want to go home & start to feel trapped. Yes, I did get through it, yes those moments did not last all the time, but it was still there, I still had to deal with it. Then one day we went to the Forbidden Corner. It's a huge maze. I was feeling a little bit of anxiety going there but thought, I can do this. I was managing to keep it together & put on my, yes I'm having a good time face. But then, we went over this brook with stepping stones & had to enter this cave. I thought we would get out on the other side, but no!!! there was false doors & we got deeper & deeper. That's when I really did lose it. I said Graeme I have to get out of here now where is the exit? He said calm down, we will find it. I started frantically trying doors that led to dead ends, I started freaking & running around like a headless chicken, but finally we found a way out. I was on the verge of tears and could no longer enjoy the maze. I went back to the car & let them wander about for a little while more. However, sitting in the car waiting for them, not knowing when they would be back made me panic as well. I was in a terrible mood for the rest of the day because I felt like such a complete failure. I was my mother!!!!
Anyway, we did have a good holiday despite that, but I'm just so totally sick of fighting it all the time. Honestly, I have been like this for 10 years. I do face it, I do things even though it is so hard, I do go on holiday, but it does not go away. I know people say that they recover but I don't know if I ever will. I can't stand to go through this for another 10 years. I am so sick, sick, sick of living with this.
I know I should be saying to myself well done for going on holiday, but I don't feel like I should praise myself because I am almost as bad as I was 10yrs ago. I have tried everything......
Anyway, thanks for listening.
The cottage & place was fab and it was so very peaceful there, hubby & kids loved it to.
But, as usual it was not just the 4 of us on holiday, no, the agoraphobia monster came with us too as usual.
I was not too bad really, I had hours where I was actually ok. But at some point during the day the fear would start. I would want to go home & start to feel trapped. Yes, I did get through it, yes those moments did not last all the time, but it was still there, I still had to deal with it. Then one day we went to the Forbidden Corner. It's a huge maze. I was feeling a little bit of anxiety going there but thought, I can do this. I was managing to keep it together & put on my, yes I'm having a good time face. But then, we went over this brook with stepping stones & had to enter this cave. I thought we would get out on the other side, but no!!! there was false doors & we got deeper & deeper. That's when I really did lose it. I said Graeme I have to get out of here now where is the exit? He said calm down, we will find it. I started frantically trying doors that led to dead ends, I started freaking & running around like a headless chicken, but finally we found a way out. I was on the verge of tears and could no longer enjoy the maze. I went back to the car & let them wander about for a little while more. However, sitting in the car waiting for them, not knowing when they would be back made me panic as well. I was in a terrible mood for the rest of the day because I felt like such a complete failure. I was my mother!!!!
Anyway, we did have a good holiday despite that, but I'm just so totally sick of fighting it all the time. Honestly, I have been like this for 10 years. I do face it, I do things even though it is so hard, I do go on holiday, but it does not go away. I know people say that they recover but I don't know if I ever will. I can't stand to go through this for another 10 years. I am so sick, sick, sick of living with this.
I know I should be saying to myself well done for going on holiday, but I don't feel like I should praise myself because I am almost as bad as I was 10yrs ago. I have tried everything......
Anyway, thanks for listening.