Hello Folks......Could do with a little support

[Hope 2]

Hello All

I haven't been around much these last few weeks as I have just got back to work after 7 yrs. The reason I have been out of work was mainly cos of an all consuming phobia of HIV which presented in the form of OCD, with which came terrible anxiety, depression and social isolation. I was a nurse on an acute surgical unit prior to this so this maybe reflects just how severely our thoughts can affect us and rob us of something good :weep: . I have never posted my story as such as I find it too painful and have a great fear of rejection. I will probabaly regret posting this as sometimes I open up to help others and end up brushed off or ignored which hurts me. Maybe my mother is right and I am over sensitive or is it that she is as hard as nails........this I will never figure out.

The reason I am here today is cos I need somehwere to go. I am struggling. The reason for this I think is cos I feel guilty. A great deal of why I have been ill is cos of guilt. Guilt for things that actually weren't my fault, but I often don't actually believe that. This last few days I have had a lot of stress. I have done and said things that I feel so guilty about I can't shake it off and I am constantly thinking about them. If any of my chums read this please please don't feel your not helping me, I just feel bad for putting on you guys too !!!! And I kinda felt like taking a leap of faith and having a go at writing it all down on here.

Since starting my new job (care work) I have come on loads, it's amazing really. And I am happier there is no doubt. I have just lately been so anxious all the time it's getting me down. I appreciate there will be times when I have a blip or three but my question is this.........WHY oh WHY do I always end up living with this hideous guilt ????? No matter what I do ............. this guilt always returns. It's this guilt that is the underlying cause of all my probs......I think :wacko: . Will I never be happy, what have I done..........

Please can someone throw me a line here :scared15:

Hope xx

[marie1974]

hiya matey well first of all u know i luvya hun and we r mates and secondly you do not have to worry about putting anything on me hun or anyone else who trully cares about you. i am pleased that u have posted this thread cos u keep to much to yourself and u need a release sometimes, so im proud of you. you have helped me loads and u r a very genuine lovely person and u r not to blame for anything u feel guilty about. guilt is a terrible thing and i have been there so much and u know that but at the end of the day we are kind genuine people suffering because of the evils of life. you have NOTHING to feel guilty about nothing is/was your fault. mate if u can do it try some CBT cos its helped me so much. going back to work has been a huge step for you and u are a gutsy girl for doing wot u did facing things head on kind of. But most importantly matey is you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF and get rid of guilt for stuff that could not be helped and certanly not your fault. you are my closest friend on here hun and u can tAlk to me anytime and u know that, please dont ever feel a pain because u r not. you will be happy cos u r strong and u want get on in life, you will get through this and u have done nothing wrong. you will never be rejected by people that care about u trully care and u know those people in your life so trust them and let them support you and u will do just fine i know u will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[milly jones]

hope hun give us a hug

we love u and were really glad u post

uv given me such support in the past hun.

guilt is such a wasted emotion. its so hard to close away and move on, i know.

please try and open up to someone cos its the only way forward.

no one on nmp will ever reject u for anything hun, we are all here to support and not judge

milly xxxx

[Hope 2]

Hi Donna and Milly :flowers:

Thanks girls, really. Your words of support mean a great deal.
I wish I hadn't posted the damn thing now. I will never learn.

Bye
Love Hope xx

[marie1974]

never wish u hadnt done it hun, u obviously felt u should when u first did it so dont feel bad, from my experience i would say look at the reasons why and do wot u need todo to make yourself feel better. talking or posting is a good thing mate remember that and no one will think any less of u, the good people in life will listen and support u. hugs always xxxx

[sheba2]

Hi hope

Please don't feel bad about posting on here. We are all in need of help and support that's why we are here. Guilt is not a nice feeling and I don't really know what you feel guilty about. If there is something specific in your past then it might be good to start to deal with that and counselling could really help there. If you just feel guilty because of your illness then I really understand what you are saying. I feel that I spend chunks of my life worrying about the effect that my illness has on those around me and yes I feel guilty and sorry for myself and loads of other negative emotions. I try and train myself to be more positive which isn't always easy. My major pull me out of it is the thought and belief that the next moment is a new one and I can change anything I want to about the way I think. I hope this doesn't sound too simple but it really helps me feel positive. Anyway well done for going back to work hope you feel less anxious soon.

[Hope 2]

Hello Folks

Thanks to Donna for helping me see I am not as worthless as I thought and what really is important.

Sheba, the guilt is a bit of both. I feel guilty for being ill and losing my career which could have meant easier times for me and my family. But I also feel guilty for breathing at times! I think my past both as a child and an adult contribute to my feelings of 'failure at life' in general. I find it nearly impossible to see any good in myself and if I do, it's short lived. Being this open is very hard for me, as I said, I fear rejection as I have felt unworthy most of my life. I feel like I am taking a huge risk just by posting.

I know counselling is probably the best way forward but I can't open up the box, I am not ready, but I don't think I ever will be. They say you have to love yourself in order to believe others love you. Well that sums it up for me. The people closest to me are the ones I least trust to be sincere. So I aint comfy in my own skin and I don't believe anyone really does actually truly love me. Most of the time anyway. I do have good moments. Those of you who know me well, I am trying to take your advice, and am reaching out on here in the hope I can get the help I think I need.

Thanks again those who replied, it helps, to feel noticed by others :flowers: xx

Cheery Bye
Hope xx

[marie1974]

hugs to u and although u feeling crap i know how well u r doing too hun:winks:
so keep that up and the rest will follow :bighug1:

[marie1974]

im glad u feeling better hun, stay strong and im always here if u need me matey anytime xxxx

[Dave777]

Hiya Hope, you have good friends here, if you need a shoulder......:hugs:

[Hope 2]

Hello Peeps :D

Just wanna say thanks so much it means so much to me that u care and I am here for you all too tha knows.

Toodle pip
Big Hugs
Hope xx

[Hope 2]

Hi Chummlies :hugs:

Am off to work in a mo but am having a bit of a wobbly time of it today. Mainly cos of someone at work who belittles me. But I will sort it, just gimme time :winks: .
Anyway I read thru u guys words of support as I am pretty anxious about going. Knowin I got u folks has helped me feel better so thank you :hugs: .

Deep breaths eh lol
Byeee fah now
Hope xx

[Dave777]

Hi Hope, don't worry about that person at work, I've been there, done that, got the T shirt.

You are better than them, chin up..... when they start up think of them standing there in their undies looking all silly..... hey, don't laugh too much 'cause you'll give them an inferiority complex ! lol:winks: xx

[marie1974]

nice one dave and i can just imagine wot would go through that naughty mind of yours miss hope hehehe

[Dave777]

hehe Donna, I'm a naughty boy ain't I?:winks: xx

743

[noworriesnocries]

here is a saying of my hubby that my help:
"there is no right or wrong. there are ideologies and choices. if we all truly believed it, we will have tons of guilt-free moments"

[marie1974]

very bad boy dave :blush: :hugs:

[Hope 2]

Thanks all :hugs:
Dave is that wot it said on that t-shirt yah was on about :ohmy: .

Went okay tonight so will see but I am ready for 'em lol.

Byeeee
Luv Hope xx

[jesse08]

Hi Ya, You and I have exchanged some PMs recently and I can see how well you are doing and how far you have come. Give yourself a pat on the back. People on here really value your friendship and care about you. I can understand you may feel guilty but you ARE working now and you have made so much progress with your OCD. It's easy to say, I know, but feeling guilty will just eat you up. It won't change anything and may even make you unwell again. Please believe in yourself and if it helps, keep posting how you feel, here on NMP. People won't judge you and if they do, they ain't worth bothering about!! You are doing so well. You really are and the fact you have gone back to work after 7 years, gives hope and Inspiration to others. Love Jesse x

[Hope 2]

Thank you Jesse :flowers:

I can be a bit hard on myselfguess.
Having you as a friend has helped me on my way yah know, thank you.

Bye for now
Luv Hope xx

[marie1974]

hiya my hun, hope u are cool and happy today hun and yes u r way too hard onyourself hehe. but u r a little treasure xxxxxx

[Dave777]

Hi Hope, how ya doin' matey? (Essex speak)

Does this make any sense to you up North?:winks:

‘thad mek a berrer doer thun a winder’ - You’d make a better door than a window… You’re standing in my line of vision!

‘It’s omptyin t’streets’ It’s emptying the streets… It’s raining very hard

Ave got fot goo nair… I have to go now
Tha mun goo… You must go!

Av got fot gut shop fo mi mam… I have to go to the shop for my mother

Shut thi cakeole… Close your mouth!

Is faiwin dearnt steers… He’s fallen down the stairs!

Now tha mearnt… No you mustn’t!

Ee wer bairnt goo burra towdim not fot do… He was going to go but I told him not to

Is deed… He has died!

I went on to live ‘over the border… just! …in Todmorden. (tha dunt know whether thas cumin er gooin oer theer) Thas neyther one ner’t’other
I now live in Burnley… Different again!
At naart in Burrnley they… ‘faart outsaard ut pubs on satdy naart!

Customer in a shop… “Ow much is that?”
Shopkeeper… “It’s naarn naarnti naarn!

[jesse08]

J, you are so welcome. here's another HUG!!!!
http://www.commentsarchive.com/hugs/hugs_comment_graphic_05.jpg

[marie1974]

haha dave u are so funny mate and bet u got hope wetting herself, very good therapy is that. laughing that is not peeing ;)

[Hope 2]

Dave, was cryin from laughin, shut tha cakehole was prob me fave :roflmao:

Donna, thank god for tena turners eh :winks:

Jesse, thanks for me pic :flowers: xx I dont even know how to get fancy stuff like that !

Am feeling much better anyway, and it was all down to me OK :noangel: , NOTHING whatsoever to do with you lot and yr kindness and care of course :whistles:

just me SOH btw
Thank you
Hope xx