View Full Version : Hello again
Sorry to post again, I've been posting so much lately and I worry that you're all gritting your teeth, wishing I'd go away! It just seems to be one step forward and two steps back at the moment. I feel very nostalgic still, keep thinking about this time last year. As I've described before, even though it wasn't a happy time, it was a time when I had some focus. Now that my surgery is over and done with and I'm free to get on with my life I feel so flat. Everything seems pointless, even though on the face of it I've got what I wanted (my surgery was to remove a very large and ugly goitre, which I was very self-conscious about). I remember before my surgery I used to walk around town looking at all the tops and dresses I couldn't wear because of my problem and feeling really bad about it. Now I could wear all those things if I wanted and I have no heart for any of them, I still wear my big scarves just as I did before the operation.
This time last year I was scared, stressed, anxious, in a good deal of physical discomfort. If you had told me then that in a year's time the surgery would be over, completely successfully, it would have seemed like unimaginable happiness. Yet here I am, a year on, still crying about it, no heart for anything. In my more dramatic moments I feel like having the operation ruined my life... I'm so nostalgic for it all, I just feel like life now is pointless. I have nothing to focus on, nothing to strive for. I really have tried to get on with my life but I just can't. I just can't engage with the present, and believe me, I've tried.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life... I'm so lost. How do I stop myself living in the past and start to engage properly with the present?
Sorry to keep going on. I don't really expect anyone to reply, just wanted to set it out in black and white for myself, in a way. Sorry, please don't be frustrated with me for going on, I know I've been repetitive on my posts, it's just so difficult and I've had a lot of trouble finding anyone else who has had similar experiences. I did read an article about Bill Clinton that said he had suffered badly from feelings of anti-climax after his bypass operation. I also once read an article that described how patients who were misdiagnosed with a terminal illness often, on being told of the mistake, initially felt lost and depressed rather than overjoyed, as you might expect. But generally speaking there isn't much information about regarding this type of problem.
Well, anyway... I feel a bit better for writing it down! I'll just keep taking the tablets and waiting for it all to fade... xxx
milly jones
07-07-08, 15:23
hi hunny
im glad u got ur problem sorted
its been a big part of ur life
u keep writing it down if it helps
well all read it hun, were all here
love and hugs
milly xxx
Thanks Milly... you're right, it was a big part of my life, I suppose it's a kind of grief in a way. xx
hi samira just wanted to send you a hug :bighug1: hope u feel better soon hun xxxx
Hi Samira,
I hope that you are feeling a little better.
I don't think anyone will worry about how often you post here.
That's what NMP is for, to share happy times and sad, and to moan, rant or let off steam!
Have you been taking your tablets for a long time, do they normally help you?
Could your GP suggest any other help for you?
I'm glad you had your operation and it all went really well.
I hope you get some replys from people who have had a similiar experience and can relate to what you're going through.
Sending you lots of hugs. :hugs:
Take care Anna x
Thanks Anna... I know I should be grateful really for what I've got...it isn't that I'm not, it's just that I can't help but feel very emotional about it, and sometimes those emotions are really overwhelming. I've had so many problems since as well, anxiety and panic mainly, which I think has set back my recovery and made it harder for me to engage fully with life. I know I must sound really introspective and self-orientated...honestly, I'm not like this all the time, it's just sometimes all the memories come back, and it's hard to find a way of expressing how I feel, especially when those around me have moved on. I'm not well enough to work at the moment, and sometimes the days seem so long! xxx
Just to add... I've been on my tablets for a couple of months now, and they definitely do help... at least I was worse before I took them! I did see a counsellor, but it wasn't much use - she seemed to take against me and I found I felt worse rather than better. In fact, it actively set me back because she told me that my anxiety was such an entrenched habit that I was now 'incurable'! I asked my GP for a referral to the psychology unit at the hospital, but he said I was not 'priority' enough, and if I wanted to see anyone I would have to go private, which isn't an option for financial reasons. So I'm on my own with it, really! Thanks everyone who replied. xxx
hiya glad the tabs are helping and anxiety in wot ever form is a terrible thing and i can only go on wot helped for me but i really had to kick my butt into gear and get busy so i didnt think to much. i exercise daily now and keep busy all day and try to socialise more and i feel much better hugs to u xx
Hi Samira,
I don't think you sound self-orientated.
I know with me I am self-absorbed sometimes and it makes me feel selfish and guilty, as I know I should help my family more. They have young children and could to with a break sometimes.
Could you change your GP, and try another surgery to see if you could get therapy with them? Also have you tried No Panic they do CBT group therapy over the phone? It costs £10 to join and then just the price of the phone calls - which are not expensive. I think they also have mentors to help as well.
I hope you feel better today.
:hugs: Anna x
Thanks Anna, I might try that, I've not heard of No Panic - is it a charity? It sounds well worth a try anyway.
I feel a little bit better tonight, although I'm a TV widow.... my boyfriend has just got a new plasma tv and I think he's in love with it! xxx
Hi,
Yes it is a charity. www.nopanic.org.uk (http://www.nopanic.org.uk)
I hope it helps, and I'm sure your boyfriend loves you more than the tv. :D
Anna x
Hey Samira,
Isn't life funny? It seems that no matter what it is we worry about, when it's gone we find something else.
It sounds to me - and I'm being careful how I say this - but it sounds to me like you're so used to having a reason for the way you feel and now you don't but you still feel the same.
It takes a long time for feelings to change, and you can't just switch these things off. If you split up from a long-term partner, you don't just switch the love off the minute they've walked out of the door. It takes time and adjustment, and I think that's what you need.
Yeah....I have been thinking maybe in a way I used having a goitre as a sort of excuse not to really engage with things? I don't really know if that's being fair to myself or not... but it may be partly true. Certainly being rid of it hasn't been the cure-all I expected. I suppose as well you get used to things, bad as well as good, and when they go there is a gap to be filled.
My boyfriend often says that it's not surprising I feel lost now it's gone, considering how many times a day I used to mention it! I couldn't walk past a mirror without looking in it to see if my goitre was better or worse.
I get absurdly sentimental about it... it really is daft, I know, but I keep thinking about the morning of my operation... just before they took me to theatre I went to the loo, just quickly, without thinking about it. Now I keep thinking 'that was the last time I saw it, I didn't look at it or say goodbye.' Am I going mad?! At least now I can type this without crying, something I couldn't have done a couple of months ago.
It's made me very interested in the psychological effects of cosmetic surgery. My boyfriend's dad knew a man in his forties who had a terrible facial deformity, since birth he'd had one eye in his cheek. He looked so strange he would be asked to leave restaurants on the basis his appearance upset people. Anyway, eventually he decided to have an operation to put it right. It went perfectly and he looked quite 'normal'. He, however, couldn't cope with the change and committed suicide. I'm not at that level of distress, but I can relate... like I say, it's really made me think about these issues, and about the way in which appearance and identity are related.
I'm getting heavy again, aren't I?! Thanks for your help everyone. xxx
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