A hello and request for help!

[nikkinik]

Hi,

My name is Nikki, and Ive had panic attacks for about 4+ years now and my doctor confirmed agoraphobia 9 months ago (although I knew I had it about 2.5 years prior to that!)

..basically I lost my b/f, the father of my son in, in 2003 when I was 6 weeks pregnant with our son.. I got depressed and signed of work at around the 8/9 wk mark, I didnt want to see anyone or do anything and I pretty much only left the house to buy food occasionally, attend docs apptmts etc, the morning sickness also kept me in. I also didnt want to go out incase I caught anything (!), I was petrified of getting sick and possibly harming the baby, then when my son was born I was petrified of him getting ill, and selfishly avoided sending him off to nursery for as long as I could due to this (luckily he is quite outgoing and not shy though and has been attending nursery for about 2+ years).
In late 2004 I met my now fiance and had my first panic attack in a cinema.. it then happened again on another time we were in a theatre and so I started avoiding going to the cinema etc, then it happened again whilst shopping in Asda.. then again out shopping in the city centre.. so I pretty much avoided going out (making things even worse), so now its a massive struggle to get anywhere and I panic every single time I leave the house.

I also have emetophobia and have had this since I was little, no idea what started that though.

In Feb this yr I had my ectopic pregnancy (making my panic worse) and still today my health is awful. I never feel rested after 8 hours sleep, Im always so so tired and feeling really weak, Im also usually nauseous which means Im not eatting well, and Im sorry to say my 4 year old eats more than me- hence me losing weight so Im now an awful looking size 6 and ppl now coment on my weight and even my Mum is worrying about me..

The main thing is that I do get really afraid of how ill Im feeling now (and have been for about the last 4 months) and it makes me panic more when I do think about it.
Its like if youre sick with flu you stay in till yours better, you wouldnt think of forcing yourself out for a walk or to go shopping etc, and to this day I have no idea when Im actually ill and whether I should stay in, I just shove myself out regardless - making me panic before Ive opened the door, thinking what if I throw up and make a fool of myself, or throw up so much Im too weak to get back home safely, what if I do pass out, what if I am sick with an awful illness and Im not listening to my body telling me to stay in and rest, what if I faint whilst out with my 4 year old - what happens to him when Im unconsious.. the list goes on!

I am trying to get out, but I dont go out every single day if Im honest, some days I just feel so exhausted.

I have read this: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/NMPcms.php?nmppage=symptoms

Ive also had an xray, blood tests, ultra sound, an upper endoscopy, urine tests, all came back ok.

I'll list what I feel:
I feel extrememly weak upon waking - terrible if I wake before a min of 8hrs sleep, then Im shakey, find it hard to stand and walk and Im really unsteady in the dark,
I feel my legs wont carry me,
My stomach is usually tense, sometime v tense and painful,
Nauseous alot, nothing really tempts me and Im not eatting well and therfor losing weight, am now 7.5 stone (have lost half a stone over the last 2 months or so,
My body aches, sometimes is painful,
If I stand or turn around things seem like theyre moving/swaying even when Im stood still,
Feel exhausted, like I could sleep all day and still not feel refreshed,
I cant think straight, in conversations I cant think of the right words, when typing I forget how to spell and have to really think about it!
When I do go out, or work in the garden or do housework Im exhausted, even little things like showers exhaust me and leave me a little breathless.

Even after reading that page/link I listed earlier I still cant believe that I can feel *this* ill from just anxiety because I really do feel truely awful.

Everyday is a struggle and afterall, Im 28 not 98!

I have a 4 year old son who wants chasing around but I cant, I have a house to clean which I cant, I dont even want to shower myself as much (I used to shower daily, now its every 2-3 days) because Im so knackered to start with and after the shower its like my energy for the day has gone..
I have heard exercise will make it better, but even a little trip to the shop (by car!) to buy bread, milk etc will leave me exhausted and feeling worse the next day.. so rest does make it easier, but then the agoraphobia isnt going to get better with rest.

I have convinced myself Ive got CFS or Fybromialgia, or even something sinister thats not been picked up yet.. when I feel like my legs wont carry me, that I dont want a meal because I feel sick, when I feel this weak I just wonder how long it will be before I end up in hospital.. and Ive been there and Im sure you know what its like, you lay there all day feeling sorry for yourself, you dont get a wink of sleep, the food is digusting and makes you heave and not want to eat, the likelyhood of being seen by a doctor or getting the tests etc are few and far between...

Please help me, I honestly feel like Im going mad with all this, I just dont know whats going on with me.. am I ill and the anxiety is just an excuse for the doctors to pin it on?

Im not on medication, the doctor said Ive pretty much tried them all and nothing has worked, so hes suggested counselling and Im due for that in a week now I think.

Thanks for reading,
Nikkixx.

[milly jones]

hi nikki

a very warm welcome to nmp hun

i do hope that ull find peace here as i do

u are not alone

milly xx :hugs:

[Veronica H]

Hi Nikki

What a dreadful start for you to be pregnant and to have to deal with such tragedy. As anyone who has had a child will know this is a life changing experience in itself and comes with enormous responsibility. I am a new member to the site myself, but just knowing that there are others who understand is a great help. I can identify with your hope that an undiagnosed illness will be found, that can be treated and will disappear. Maybe it will, maybe not but if anxiety is the problem, don't be afraid of it.You can be helped. Last week on holiday having constant panic attacks, I was in total despair. I lost half a stone in weight, because I couldn't face food. I convinced myself that eating would put my heart rate up - this is anxiety trying to pin itself to a phobia. The GP has given me Beta Blockers. My heart rate has gone down, this has reduced the panic. This has not removed the anxiety which I have been generating and feeding for so many years that I know this will take more work. I am hopeful about CBT which I am starting soon. Not having the panic is a huge relief. I would advise you to take one small step at a time. Ask for help from a family member to get you back to see your GP. Maybe you could see a different GP. I am amazed that you have achieved as much as you have, so don't be hard on yourself.

Love and best wishes
Veronica H

[lilly-lou]

Hi nikki,

Welcome to NMP. When I was at my worst I was only a size 6 and even that was too big for me. I also have agoraphobia which has improved. You will get lots of advice here and everyone is really friendly

lilly-lou

[JoT]

Hi Nikki, I'm so sorry to hear of all the tragic things you have been through, no wonder you feel terrible.

I do know what you are going through anxiety wise, anxiety can really make you feel that awful, everything you describe is how I feel when I get like this. I think you sound like you could be very depressed also.

I also become afraid of eating (in case I vomit) and I then I lose weight, naturally lack of food and exercise will make your body feel weak. The tiredness can also be attributed to depression, this makes every single task, including washing, a major struggle - when I felt like this all I wanted to do was lie in my bed, every time i moved it seemed to use all of my energy resources.

I have been taking fluoxetine (aka prozac) for the past 10 days and now, (after a week of hell while it kicked in). I can honestly say my mood has lifted slightly. Have you tried this yet?

Fluoxetine worked well for me last time I went through this too and I also had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I was much better after about 6mths and able to come off the meds with no probs.

I think you should definitely go back to your doctor, or try a different doctor - tell them what you fear your are suffering from and they can put your mind at rest.

You need some plan of action to beat this, I am a firm believer in medication and therapy.

You can PM me anytime if you wish to chat. You can get through this but you do need help from your doctor, don't try to struggle on your own.

Take care
Jo x

[marie1974]

hi nikki and welcome and poor u going through so much, HA is a terrible thing and along with everything else its a hard thing to control especially with agoraphobia too. well u r right that not doing stuff will not make u better from this but u need to set yourself realistic little goals and targets each day. from my experience of bad depression years back i would say routine is most important making sure u are up same time every day, shower, breakfast and chores, this is to get you back into day to day stuff and keep u busy and motivated after a while. keeping as busy as u can through out the day will help u not to over think stuff all the time and worry more and also exercise was the biggest help for me i started off indoors curtains closed with my videos and dvds and i did them every day eventually i started brisk walking and i still now brisk walk every day it keeps me motivated, postive, happier and lots more energy. i know this will take a while but work towards it mayb, u will get there with our help hun xxxx

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Nikki,

Welcome to the site. I do have Fibro and CFS. When I am in a flare I feel like I have the flu all the time and my brain is in a fog. You do have to be diagnosed by a professional such as a Rheumotologist. There are certain criteria that has to be met for such a diagnosis. I am not saying that this is your problem, just that if you do want to rule it out, you need to see a doctor and have the proper tests done for a diagnosis.

Lack of a proper diet and really good sleep along with anxiety is probably not helping you. I do think counseling will help. We will support you and please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Do let us know how next week goes. Please try to eat something, even if it is baby food it will be nutrition.

Take care,

Laura

[nomorepanic]

Hi Nikki

A warm :welcome: aboard and lovely to see you here.

Hope we can be of some help.

[allanp81]

Some of the things you've listed are exactly how I feel. I often feel dizzy and feel like i'm swaying backwards and forwards.

[Nibbles]

Hi Nikki and :welcome:

You'll get loads of advice and support here while making new friends along the way.

Take care,

Mike :)

[weeble40]

welcome to NMP hope to see you around sometime

Emma xxx