Will I ever be 'me' again?

[shortstuff]

Hi all,

I'm struggling with Panic Disorder and the associated agoraphobic tendencies. I thought I was doing so much better since I started on the beta blockers, but I feel as though I'm going backwards again. My PD started after depression and the fear of the depression returning is overwhelming. I stopped going to supermarkets, shopping centres, parties, pubs etc as even the thought of each brought on a panic attack. I've literally clung on to the few things I've been able to continue with (work, exercise class) and now I can feel those slipping away too.

The only way I can describe it is that 70% of my normal life was stolen from me. I had gradually begun to claw some of it back (to around 40%) and now I feel as though I'm down to 10% of my life! I hate living like this! I hate the freak I've turned into!

I had learned to live with panic attacks to some degree, now I burst into tears with each one as it signifies how little I am now capable of. I want to be me again. I want to be able to join friends and family in normal activities without having to plan out escape routes / worry if I'll cope / spend the entire time mid panic attack!

[polly123]

Hiya
Iwas diagnosed with panic disorder last sept, so i understand how you are feeling, those first few months were the worst of my life and i have been through some awful times in the past. It will get better i know you probably cant see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment but it will happen, i even managed to do it without meds (GOD KNOWS HOW), but slowly the panic seems to be lesser, the anxiety is manageable and it doesnt seem to be ruling my life so much anymore, dont get me wrong i still have some bad days but the good ones are happening more and more, so dont beat yourself up when you have these set backs i think they are part of the problem, try and stay possitive, BEST OF LUCK POLLY XX

[belle]

Hi..
I had this conversation with my therapist the other day. I was saying how i wanted to be like the old me, the one that was able to go out and have a life! But he replied with something that made sense. Why not focus on becoming a NEW you. One that can do all the old things but also who has come through a terrible dibilitating illness. The OLD you didn't have panic attacks, agoraphobia and the NEW you won't either.

You will be a stronger person when you come out the otherside :)

x

[dawny]

hi shortstuff,

well, that could have been me writing the thread......also like you you, i started with severe depression and i too am scared of it returning !.....had three horrible episodes of it.....

...i found that if i had a really bad panic attack then that caused it, not the same for everyone i know, but thats what happened to me.

i became agrophobic, scared to death of everything.......

but,.......and heres the good bit

after months of struggling, i am now 99% recovered, back to my old self....
its a long process and ive learnt a lot about myself,

if i could give you some advice, stop being afriad, panic is just a sensation, a feeling (although very scary)....learn to ignore, that feeling welling up in your tummy and think to yourself....oh your here again.....distract from it.

i know this is very very hard to do, but changing the way you think about panic will help.

small steps to getting a life will also benefit you....

there is a thread on here called 'a diary of an agrophobic', its for people like us, we help each other....you would be made very welcome xxxxxx

thinking of you

dawny xxxxxx

[Hope 2]

Hi Shortstuff

Sorry you are having such a tough time. Having support from here is a comfort and a help so I am glad you shared. With some hard work on your part, you can get back to 'normal' :yesyes: .

I became ill 7 yrs ago, with mostly different stuff, but I spent most of those years looking and yearning for the 'old me'. Then don't ask me why but it hit me. I thought 'well actually I don't wanna be 'her' again cos I would still have some issues but lesser. So I kinda aimed for the 'new me', not losing who I was, but being a better person for being ill. Hope this makes sense lol. I have now regained much of my life back so honest u can too xx

Best of luck
Hope xx

[shortstuff]

Thanks everyone, I think I'm just going through a rough patch at the moment. I've had to stop taking my meds too as they were causing breathing difficulties. I'm usually quite positive but just can't find the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

[pooh]

Hi!

Just my pennies worth. I think that sometimes when we develop panic and anxiety it can be our body's way of telling us what our head has failed to recognise. Something in our lives isnt right. I don't believe it just happens out of the blue.
I was recently thinking about the first time I had a panic attack. It was on a plane flying home from Greece. I always said it was because we took off in the middle of a lightening storm but the truth is... I was coming home after a week's honeymoon and my body realised that I had made a huge mistake but my head didnt process that for a long time. My marriage was a last ditch attempt at an already failed relationship.
The ensuing panic and heightened anxiety are usually the result ofsomething not being right eg. last bout kicked off by being in a care job with a company that just should exist ( i dont work there anymore) and this has greatly reduced my anx and pas.
When will I be me again? Well....life has thrown all of us a pretty damn tough learning curve with these conditions. What will I learn? How will I progress and evolve? Are perhaps more pertinent questions. Life isnt about remaining static.
Also.... having to stop your medication has most likely had quite a dramatic effect depending on what and how long you have been taking it.

Pooh xx

[noworriesnocries]

Yes you will... If not, even better, you will be a person who understands herself/himself better... Just take baby steps into accepting who you are now, and how you can better cope with your feelings, thoughts, and worries.

[tamo]

Hi shortstuff,
I was in your position once and I understand exactly what you are feeling.If you read dawnys post and believe it then you Will get better.It takes time and as is metioned above try just small steps at a time.Don't pay attention to the sensations and slowly but surely they WILL subside.I used visualisation and practiced deep slow breathing until it became a new habit.If you can try and distract your thoughts away from your self it will become a habit and your symptoms Will subside and eventualy disapear.It all takes time but be positive and you WILL be a new you.


Good luck

Tom

[shortstuff]

Thanks for that Tamo and Dawny - I will keep reminding myself of your words. I suppose, like most in a similar position, I get frustrated with myelf for not being able to be 'normal'. Perhaps if I learn to take the pressure off myself I will give myself a better chance of improving.

[jenfromdenver]

ive been in the same boat for months and months. i made excuses for why i stopped going to see my friends (i was tired, sick, would rather stay home, etc) or would only go to the store when i absolutely had no other choice (it was crowded, expensive, surely i could eat canned beans for dinner instead) until, like you, i was holding on to only work and yoga. then one day i woke up and could not go to work. i just couldnt walk out the door. that was rock bottom for me, and since then i've been trying to climb back up and regain my life. its frustrating!! i so want to just flip a switch and go back to the way things were but it wont happen.

my best advice is to just take it day by day. take small steps and eventually you'll get where youre going.