Bill
14-07-08, 02:40
When they talk of the causes of anxiety, the most common words used are worry, lack of confidence and fear but you never come across the word caring because although caring doesn’t cause anxiety, it can be part of fear.
When we live with fear as our close companion, fear can control our lives by making all our important decisions for us. Fear can become our boss! You will find it surprising how much fear can control us. Think of all the “what if’s” and worrying thoughts we have all day. They’re all created by fear.
For all my life I’ve lived with fear. From the moment I was born it seems I had a fear of being on my own because my mother tells me I’d scream if she wasn’t in sight and as a toddler follow her everywhere, even to sit outside the loo! Interestingly, she also told me recently that she too used to have a fear being left on her own and that her older sister would torment her.
As I grew older into my teens, I was very shy, my skin was bad with spots and I lacked a lot of confidence. As a result I never had a girlfriend and every night I would dream of simply holding a girls hand. It was only in my mid-twenties before I met a girl of similar age but she dumped me because she regarded me as too weak which looking back on was true because I’ve always been insecure.
My brothers and sister all left home by the time I was 12 and from then on I felt like an only child. My anxiety then became worse developing into health anxiety, toilet phobia, OCD and general anxiety etc. Fear became my daily companion affecting every aspect of my life..
When I eventually met my wife-to-be in my late twenties, once again my fear controlled my decisions. My future wife had recently come out of hospital after a period of paranoia so when I met her she was just beginning to learn to become part of society again.
I felt I could help her get better, not realising how serious her illness was and I couldn’t say “no” because I cared about her. However, my fear told me I might never meet a woman who could put up with my anxieties and I also believe it was my fear of not wanting to be alone when I knew one day I would lose my parents, that also made my decision for me. Looking back, I didn’t marry for the right reasons because I deluded myself into thinking I was marrying out of love when in fact I was marrying due to fear! In fact fear made me so anxious that we married within 9 months of our first meeting
However, her illness was so severe that I could never engage in conversation with her. Every question was answered with yes or no. Every sentence was a question about how should she be, how should she think, how should she behave and what person she should behave like. She would also constantly accuse me of planning things against her, of being someone else or working in another occupation, of the radio, tv or people in the street having a go at her and of me not defending her against them.
I would try to give her love but she had no empathy, compassion or emotion. Every attempt was pushed away with a question or an accusation. Romance, passion? What were those? There was none so how can I say I married out of love? I married because I was weak and because fear made my decision for me.
Marrying my wife did nearly literally cost me my life because we didn’t get any support in the early years and on top I was trying to work full time. It was too much. Eventually, I became suicidal and after seeing a psychologist, I was warned to either give up my job or my wife. However, once again fear made the decision for me. I couldn’t give up my wife because fear told me I couldn’t cope with the loneliness of being alone but that I could cope with giving up my job.
Of course though, by giving up my job I was then indoors every day with the daily pressures of my wifes illness. I trapped myself and fear prevented me from escaping. I started to self harm and take overdoses because fear told me there was no way out except in a box! Fear also told me I couldn’t hurt my wife and leave her on her own because I knew they would send her back into hospital. As I still am now, I was then too weak and I cared too much. I know people can’t understand me though. There are those who admire me for staying but also those who think I am crazy for staying. I agree with the latter myself because I know I’m too soft and too weak as that’s how I’ve always been.
I also know those who think I am crazy will tell me to make changes in my life so I can live “my” life but as we all know it’s not easy to confront our personal fears no matter how right we know the advice is. It is relatively easy to change a job but not so easy to change an ill wife and then live with your conscience when that word “caring” surfaces.
Fear nearly literally cost me my life but in reality fear “has” cost me my life because I allowed fear to make the decisions for me so allowed fear to trap me in a life without love and affection but I know I only have myself to blame for allowing fear to place in my trap and that if I’m not prepared to confront my fear then I have to accept the consequences of allowing fear to decide my future.
In a long winded way, I’m trying to say to others, be very careful what you base your decisions on because if you allow fear to be your decision maker, fear will only create a trap which “could” be even harder but not impossible, to break free from and therefore fear “could” as a result cost you your happiness in life.:hugs:
When we live with fear as our close companion, fear can control our lives by making all our important decisions for us. Fear can become our boss! You will find it surprising how much fear can control us. Think of all the “what if’s” and worrying thoughts we have all day. They’re all created by fear.
For all my life I’ve lived with fear. From the moment I was born it seems I had a fear of being on my own because my mother tells me I’d scream if she wasn’t in sight and as a toddler follow her everywhere, even to sit outside the loo! Interestingly, she also told me recently that she too used to have a fear being left on her own and that her older sister would torment her.
As I grew older into my teens, I was very shy, my skin was bad with spots and I lacked a lot of confidence. As a result I never had a girlfriend and every night I would dream of simply holding a girls hand. It was only in my mid-twenties before I met a girl of similar age but she dumped me because she regarded me as too weak which looking back on was true because I’ve always been insecure.
My brothers and sister all left home by the time I was 12 and from then on I felt like an only child. My anxiety then became worse developing into health anxiety, toilet phobia, OCD and general anxiety etc. Fear became my daily companion affecting every aspect of my life..
When I eventually met my wife-to-be in my late twenties, once again my fear controlled my decisions. My future wife had recently come out of hospital after a period of paranoia so when I met her she was just beginning to learn to become part of society again.
I felt I could help her get better, not realising how serious her illness was and I couldn’t say “no” because I cared about her. However, my fear told me I might never meet a woman who could put up with my anxieties and I also believe it was my fear of not wanting to be alone when I knew one day I would lose my parents, that also made my decision for me. Looking back, I didn’t marry for the right reasons because I deluded myself into thinking I was marrying out of love when in fact I was marrying due to fear! In fact fear made me so anxious that we married within 9 months of our first meeting
However, her illness was so severe that I could never engage in conversation with her. Every question was answered with yes or no. Every sentence was a question about how should she be, how should she think, how should she behave and what person she should behave like. She would also constantly accuse me of planning things against her, of being someone else or working in another occupation, of the radio, tv or people in the street having a go at her and of me not defending her against them.
I would try to give her love but she had no empathy, compassion or emotion. Every attempt was pushed away with a question or an accusation. Romance, passion? What were those? There was none so how can I say I married out of love? I married because I was weak and because fear made my decision for me.
Marrying my wife did nearly literally cost me my life because we didn’t get any support in the early years and on top I was trying to work full time. It was too much. Eventually, I became suicidal and after seeing a psychologist, I was warned to either give up my job or my wife. However, once again fear made the decision for me. I couldn’t give up my wife because fear told me I couldn’t cope with the loneliness of being alone but that I could cope with giving up my job.
Of course though, by giving up my job I was then indoors every day with the daily pressures of my wifes illness. I trapped myself and fear prevented me from escaping. I started to self harm and take overdoses because fear told me there was no way out except in a box! Fear also told me I couldn’t hurt my wife and leave her on her own because I knew they would send her back into hospital. As I still am now, I was then too weak and I cared too much. I know people can’t understand me though. There are those who admire me for staying but also those who think I am crazy for staying. I agree with the latter myself because I know I’m too soft and too weak as that’s how I’ve always been.
I also know those who think I am crazy will tell me to make changes in my life so I can live “my” life but as we all know it’s not easy to confront our personal fears no matter how right we know the advice is. It is relatively easy to change a job but not so easy to change an ill wife and then live with your conscience when that word “caring” surfaces.
Fear nearly literally cost me my life but in reality fear “has” cost me my life because I allowed fear to make the decisions for me so allowed fear to trap me in a life without love and affection but I know I only have myself to blame for allowing fear to place in my trap and that if I’m not prepared to confront my fear then I have to accept the consequences of allowing fear to decide my future.
In a long winded way, I’m trying to say to others, be very careful what you base your decisions on because if you allow fear to be your decision maker, fear will only create a trap which “could” be even harder but not impossible, to break free from and therefore fear “could” as a result cost you your happiness in life.:hugs: