DeeperDown
16-07-08, 16:33
Hi,
I'm not sure if this section is just to say hello or to try and introduce myself. I'll say a little about me but if this is inappropriate I am sorry.
Firstly I am 34 years of age and over the last few days have slipped into my first really bad depression for a couple of years. I first became depressed when I was 19 following a routine operation. The event left me questioning my life and the possibility of my death and within a week of leaving hospital I had descended into a state that back then I wasn't able to comprehend. For a month I hardly ever stopped crying. Each day I would wake up shaking violently. And I was unable to focus on anything that might be good. My mind was filled with bad thoughts and I believed I would never recover. I couldn't concentrate on anything - and the thought of the clock ticking on my life filled me with an indescribable fear. I truly dreaded life - but was terrified of death. And I didn't understand how I could go from being a normal happy person to that condition so quickly. At the time my GP was reluctant to give me anti-depressants and eventually I came back up. I assumed it was a solo episode and continued with my life.
It was several years later my real dealings with depression began. I can't even remember the trigger. I just gradually descended back and one morning I awoke to the tell-tale shaking. This time the depression was accompanied by severe panic attacks. Over the course of a week I made my partner take me to A&E on no less that twenty occasions. When I finally got to see my GP he immediately prescribed me citalopram - possibly just to stop me annoying his colleagues. I was also given a sedative. The first few weeks on the drug were sheer hell. I came close to suicide on several occasions. I really wasn't in control at all. But I got through it and life settled down into a zombie state. Without any ups - but with far less severe downs. Since that time my depression has never really gone away - its been controlled and managed. With my citalopram doses gradually being increased and the help of my GP and later my pyschotherapist I learnt how to handle the darker days - and even enjoy the lighter ones. I was never fully happy - always slightly tired. Always felt like I was living in a haze.
Last year my GP decided to switch my medication and try dosulepin. These allowed me to live a much more normal life. I didn't get the drowsiness or the feeling of "flatness". However they never really controlled the downs either. At times I still fall through that hole in the floor - something I never experienced with Citalopram. I still regularly wake up crying - but usually within an hour I am able to pull myself back together and live some semblance of a normal life.
That was until today. This morning I woke up shaking and in fear. I was unable to sit up because my muscles did not seem to be under my control. It was two hours before I pulled myself from my bed. Still crying. Still shaking. It reminds me of the bad days. For the first time in a long time the thoughts of suicide have started to flood my brain. And I only have myself to blame. My partner has seen it coming. Over the last few weeks she has been worried about me - constantly asking why I seem to be focussed on the bad things in our life. But I thought I could handle it. Earlier this year a close relative died and I got through that - so surely I could get through this. And then - all of a sudden just like the very first bout I suffered - I feel lost and helpless again. At the bottom of the pit. Unable to stop crying.
With my GP unable to see me until Monday I turned to my computer for some sort of help. Following a search of the internet I came across several forums - and ended up here. I'm not sure what I am seeking. I guess just people who understand. People who don't think I should just "get out of the house and do something". I'm tired of hearing advice from the "just shake yourself" brigade. If I could do that - I would. Nobody chooses their own personal hell. We just have to live with it.
Hopefully I can contribute here and get some help - as well as helping others who may draw something from my experiences.
I'm still crying as I write this - but its better to cry and type than to sit alone.
DD
I'm not sure if this section is just to say hello or to try and introduce myself. I'll say a little about me but if this is inappropriate I am sorry.
Firstly I am 34 years of age and over the last few days have slipped into my first really bad depression for a couple of years. I first became depressed when I was 19 following a routine operation. The event left me questioning my life and the possibility of my death and within a week of leaving hospital I had descended into a state that back then I wasn't able to comprehend. For a month I hardly ever stopped crying. Each day I would wake up shaking violently. And I was unable to focus on anything that might be good. My mind was filled with bad thoughts and I believed I would never recover. I couldn't concentrate on anything - and the thought of the clock ticking on my life filled me with an indescribable fear. I truly dreaded life - but was terrified of death. And I didn't understand how I could go from being a normal happy person to that condition so quickly. At the time my GP was reluctant to give me anti-depressants and eventually I came back up. I assumed it was a solo episode and continued with my life.
It was several years later my real dealings with depression began. I can't even remember the trigger. I just gradually descended back and one morning I awoke to the tell-tale shaking. This time the depression was accompanied by severe panic attacks. Over the course of a week I made my partner take me to A&E on no less that twenty occasions. When I finally got to see my GP he immediately prescribed me citalopram - possibly just to stop me annoying his colleagues. I was also given a sedative. The first few weeks on the drug were sheer hell. I came close to suicide on several occasions. I really wasn't in control at all. But I got through it and life settled down into a zombie state. Without any ups - but with far less severe downs. Since that time my depression has never really gone away - its been controlled and managed. With my citalopram doses gradually being increased and the help of my GP and later my pyschotherapist I learnt how to handle the darker days - and even enjoy the lighter ones. I was never fully happy - always slightly tired. Always felt like I was living in a haze.
Last year my GP decided to switch my medication and try dosulepin. These allowed me to live a much more normal life. I didn't get the drowsiness or the feeling of "flatness". However they never really controlled the downs either. At times I still fall through that hole in the floor - something I never experienced with Citalopram. I still regularly wake up crying - but usually within an hour I am able to pull myself back together and live some semblance of a normal life.
That was until today. This morning I woke up shaking and in fear. I was unable to sit up because my muscles did not seem to be under my control. It was two hours before I pulled myself from my bed. Still crying. Still shaking. It reminds me of the bad days. For the first time in a long time the thoughts of suicide have started to flood my brain. And I only have myself to blame. My partner has seen it coming. Over the last few weeks she has been worried about me - constantly asking why I seem to be focussed on the bad things in our life. But I thought I could handle it. Earlier this year a close relative died and I got through that - so surely I could get through this. And then - all of a sudden just like the very first bout I suffered - I feel lost and helpless again. At the bottom of the pit. Unable to stop crying.
With my GP unable to see me until Monday I turned to my computer for some sort of help. Following a search of the internet I came across several forums - and ended up here. I'm not sure what I am seeking. I guess just people who understand. People who don't think I should just "get out of the house and do something". I'm tired of hearing advice from the "just shake yourself" brigade. If I could do that - I would. Nobody chooses their own personal hell. We just have to live with it.
Hopefully I can contribute here and get some help - as well as helping others who may draw something from my experiences.
I'm still crying as I write this - but its better to cry and type than to sit alone.
DD