Should I go back?

[DeeperDown]

Hi.

I am brand new to the forum so please excuse me for making my first post a question.

Until last year I was regularly prescribed citalopram to control my depression. Following the initial "down" that seems to be common with the drug it actually worked fairly well for me. I had to slowly increase my dosage from 10mg right up to 60mg before it completely controlled my panic attacks and "deep depression". Please note I use the term "deep depression" to describe those days of utter despair when you cry from morning until night and every thought in your head has been carefully crafted by your brain to torture and torment you. The citalopram never had me jumping for joy and I was tired a lot, even zombie-like at times, but it effectively controlled the depression and removed the day long tears and the thoughts of suicide.

Over the last few years I have also been having psychotherapy. After explaining about the tiredness and letheragy my therapist (I assume) reported back to my GP. Following a discussion which I felt was basically an order I was moved to dosulepin. At first it was wonderful. No more zombie days. No more feeling tired. I felt as if I had been given my life back. But I also noticed that occasionally I seemed to be drifting back to being fearful of life. Tiny little ripples of the "deep depression" were appearing. Throughout this year I have been taking stronger and stronger doses but its not having the effect. I have still had one or two moments of despair. But I could control them - just.

This morning my nightmare returned. I awoke shaking violently. I was crying so hard and my muscles wouldn't respond to my thoughts. It took me two hours to get out of bed. My partner is at work so as yet she doesn't know about this - but she has been warning me for weeks that I am slipping.

I have made a GP appointment for the earliest possible date but now I am here and speaking to people who understand my problem I want to gain your opinions before I go in. Last time he ordered me to make the change. I felt helpless and he was the one with the degree in medicine. I don't want that to happen again. I want to go in with something to fight my corner with. So - after a huge ramble - this is my question.

Should I be looking to go back to the citalopram? Back then I could think of 100 reasons why I wanted to change but the truth is that looking back none of them were actually that bad. I just got selfish. I wanted to be 100% and feel great all the time. So I swapped what I had - a life that was livable and with therapy was getting better - for a shot at a quick fix. Or should I be asking about other treatments entirely.

Most importantly is there anyone here who has been on citalopram and has come off - but then returned? Do you still get the same "down" you get that first time. Does it still leave you feeling suicidal or does the fact you've been there before mean you are slightly buffered to that effect? Is it as effective after you leave it and go back? And if I do go back what sort of dosage would I return to? I cannot imagine going from nothing to such a high dose as previous would help me at all.

I'd also like to state that I have learnt a valuable lesson. If you find a drug that controls your depression but has some undesirable side effects don't be so quick to jump to another. The grass is always greener on the other side... until you cross the divide and realise it was just an optical illusion.

DD

[oldhandatthis]

Hi
I was on Citalopram and found it worked very well for me, after the initial increase in anxiety etc. I. too, was 'ordered' to come off it in March when I had some seizures and the A and E consultant said that it was epilepsy and the Cpram was lowering the threshold for seizures.

I did as I was told, took a month to come off them and was fine throughout and for a further 2 weeks, in fact I felt more 'awake'. Then my depression returned, I recognised, as you do, the telltale signs.

I was put on Moclobemide which helped a little but I continued to feel very low, anxious etc. A few weeks into it I saw a neurologist (following EEG, CT scan etc) and he daid it was not epilepsy and that the C/pram would not have had a great effect on whether or not I had a seizure.

I immediately rang my psychiatrist and asked to be put on C/pram. She agreed (why did she not dispute the original decision to take me off though?).

That was 6 weeks ago and I had a difficult 2 weeks with worsened anxiety and nausea. Then it began to lift, but after 3 weeks she increased my dose from 20mg to 30mg which was the dose I had been on which worked for me. The side effects returned for another couple of weeks. It was almost literally 6 weeks after I started back on C/pram that I began to feel OK.

Sorry if that sounds a bit gloomy but over the last few weeks I really needed to hear that it was worth it and found this site helpful

Good luck

[DeeperDown]

Its okay. Its better to know the truth than to hear what you want to hear. Of course I was hoping someone would say "no its easy the second time" - but life doesn't work like that.

I hate the thought of being like this for weeks - possibly even getting worse. Right now it completely terrifies me. But I've done it before. And if that is the only way then I will do it again. My family and my partner have done too much for me to just give up this time. I can only hope I still feel like this after a week back on the citalopram.

Thank you for your reply.

[oldhandatthis]

yes, I went on this site and searched and searched for a story where there were no side effects the second time round. There are a couple of people who said they were OK after a day or so. But of course everyone is different.

You can put up with feeling bad as long as you know that it is going to end. So hard to believe though.

[DeeperDown]

The one thing I have found common to every person I have ever spoken to who has depression (the therapist's waiting room is an invaluable place) is that no matter how often you come "up" - no matter how many people tell you that the "deep depression" will end - you never truly believe it until it happens.

Right now my brain is telling me that this is the time I will never rise again. This is the time I will suffer like this forever. I know I can beat this. I've done it so many times before. But if I could believe that right now I wouldn't need the anti-depressants.

There are so many symptoms of depressions that are so specific to individuals. But the inability to get rid of that worry is a common thread.

As you say - easy to type - so hard to believe.

DD

[milly jones]

citalopram controls my anx well, but is not so good form my depression

i was on lofepramine which was great for dep, but anx was increasing

its so hit and miss

having said that nothing is as bad as no meds

ive been in that black pit where u keep ur eyes closed and head under the pillows wanting to die to find peace too

im only on 40mg but have help from psychiatry dept of hosp who monitor my meds


i also have weekly sessions at psychology too to deal with my past

hopefully i will continue to get better and be free one day

but if i have to stay on meds for the rest of my life so be it

milly xxx

[DeeperDown]

Thank you for your reply milly.

The worst thing about anti-depressants is the point where you begin to believe you are doing so well that you don't need them. When the tiredness and the general lethargy makes you think you would be BETTER without them. I suppose many people can move away from them - but I have learnt my lesson the hard way. I'm not saying I would never try to live my life without medication, just that next time I think about swapping a drug that is working for me I will be more careful, and respond faster to the danger signs. Had I listened to my partner two weeks ago I would already be two weeks down the road to where I want to be.

I wish you well in your journey milly and hope we bounce into each other again elsewhere in the forum.

DD

[oldhandatthis]

very true Deeperdown.

I have spent my life 'never bothering the doctor, they are busy people' (that's how I was brought up) and believing that willpower will always get you through. I never took time off sick, my husband would sometimes stand at the door and say 'please don't go to work you are obviously ill' but I never listened and pushed myself to cope.

then the depression hit after a bereavement last year and I have HAD to learn to LISTEN to my body. After a lifetime of carrying on regardless this is a hard lesson to learn.

I also have learnt that you have to take charge of your treatment, in a way. I know that the medics are qualified and I am not, but after being misdiagnosed with epilepsy, losing my driving license and having a hellish few months coming off an AD, going back on Citalopram etc, I now realise that I should not wait for the next scheduled appointment but should be proactive and say that I need help as soon as I do. Again, difficult when you have spent your life being obedient!

[scrumpy78]

i was on citalopram for about 4 years and came off them last year to try for a baby. I am not yet pregnant but the anxiety without them has been intolerable so finally after a battle with my conscience i am starting back on them. i am on day 4 and am tired and having panic attacks, but i remember feeling worse than this the first time round. i told the doc how i felt about the side effects so im starting on 10mg then upping to 20mg after 2 weeks. i do feel pretty awful but know that there is an end to it and that i will feel better and less anxious every day. i can't wait to go back to "normal"

[DeeperDown]

We'll be starting our journey together then scrumpy! I've made my choice and will be starting back today. So hopefully we can share some common experiences.

Of course everyone is different so who knows. I find it a comfort to know that somewhere someone is going through this with me. I hope you do too. And in a few weeks we can look back and share our achievement.

DD

[oldhandatthis]

I think it makes ALL the difference to know you are not alone. When you have no experience of mental health problems it can feel that you are the only person to have gone through these hard times.

Thanks goodness for the internet and for this forum! I don't know what I'd have done if this had happened to me 15 years ago!