View Full Version : My colleagues avoid me. It makes me sad
I'm on a work trip to California. 2 of my colleagues are in the same hotel, doing different work, but I know them. This evening I got a text message from one of them saying they'd been invited to dine with someone they were working with, so they wouldn't be eating with me. However, I happen to know that they invited another colleague from England who's staying in a different hotel, because he told me himself.
The same thing happened last week. I was supposed to be going for lunch with colleagues and one of them certainly knew I'd been expecting to join them, but they went without me and he didn't mention it.
I just have to accept the fact that my nervous tension makes people feel uncomfortable and that there is no way back into the social world. I'm here in beautiful California with the evening sun shining, stuck in my hotel room wondering why I was fated to a life of permanent rejection. Nobody likes me. Nobody likes me. It makes me so sad.
I can't go on much longer being this unhappy.
Update. My colleagues in the same hotel went without the colleague in the other hotel too - just got a text from him.
So I'm relieved, though of course just 'cause you're paranoid doesn't mean everyone doesn't hate you :)
Hehe well why don't you arrange to dine with the colleague from the other hotel tomorrow - you have something in common now and you can turn the tables on the other two! :)
milly jones
17-07-08, 09:09
aw francis
i have the same paranoia too hun.
i think sometimes the vibes i give off because of my sa make ppl feel so uncomfortable with me that im avoided.
sometimes ppl are not sure if i want to chat that day cos its a good one or steer clear cos its a bad one.
sometimes i dont even know if i want to talk until someone looks at me.
such as strange and unpredictable anx this isnt it, lol
my paranoia was at its height at work when id open my office window and hide to hear my staff conversation whilst they were on their breaks, cos i knew they talked about me. id torture myself straining to hear and often would get the wrong end of the stick. i realised that i was really ill by then, and how sad , lol
irrational fears i know but so hard to control
glad urs turned out to be something u could laugh at.
do as ej suggests and meet the other person for tea tomorrow night
take care, hugs
milly xxx
Ah well. My relief was short-lived. Tonight my colleagues didn't even give me the courtesy of a text message.
This situation sums up my life: alone in a hotel room in beautiful California without a friend in the world, sobbing in front of my computer.
Given the chance I could show people that I'm worth knowing but nobody gives me the chance.
Rejected by the world. And I don't even know why. I know I don't deserve it but the world seems to feel differently.
xBettyBoopx
18-07-08, 05:22
Hi Francis
So sorry that you're coming across this ignorance of some people, well a lot of people actually. It's like they're saying "you make me uncomfortable so I'll stear clear"! That's just plain selfishness, they are not thinking about your feelings, only theirs.
I have no friends since I've been housebound, they all disappeared. I say they can go to hell!!:ohmy: :ohmy:
They obviously weren't friends in the first place cause if they were they would stick by me. They can take a hike! But they won't be coming back to me that's for sure, when life turns on them and they need someone:mad: :mad: :scared15: :scared15:
Forget them t**ts, they're not worth even thinking about, they are selfish and deplorable, and you are so much better than them:) :)
Celebrate the fact that you're so much a better person than they could ever hope to be.
That being said I do know how you feel, and I understand that you're upset. Things will get better:yesyes:
Then you can stick your finger up at them.
Oh dear I sound pretty angry:mad: but that's cause I am:mad:
You take care now Francis and remember you're the better person, don't forget it!!!:yesyes: :yesyes:
Give them this book:
http://www.fiveoclockclub.com/publications/img/GOODPERSON.JPG
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Elspeth
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Hi Elspeth. Don't worry about seeming angry, I feel just like you do! I like to think that if I was in their situation I'd invite me along anyway. In fact often in the past I've foregone my own pleasure by thinking about other people's feelings. It's a shame that it only seems to work one way. Not that I am kind in expectation of a reward, but I do it because I genuinely feel for people. I even married somebody for that reason. And yet the end result for ME is just desolate loneliness.
I'm not saying I don't have selfish characteristics but emotionally it always seems to be me who does the giving and I get f*** all in return.
The only people who are nice to me are my family and that's because they don't have any choice, emotionally speaking: it's not because they value me as a PERSON.
Sigh. What on earth did my parents think they were doing in having children? My mum didn't even want them: I think she knew what would happen. But my dad selfishly insisted because he "wanted someone to look after". Well, be ****ing careful what you wish for. He'll have learned his lesson. I love him of course. That just adds to the pain.
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Hey, you never know... maybe they were up to no good, away in California without their wives :winks: we all know what men are like! xxx
Hi Francis
I think cos you are so certain and afraid of rejection you behave in a manner that gaurantees just that. My main fear is rejection, cos that reaffirms what I already percieve to be true about myself. It's a two way street though. I have offered an olive banch several times to others for them to do to me precisely what they fear will happen to them and it don't feel to great that. My response is then usually to shut them out, usually after they have crapped on me endless times. I felt we had a fair bit in common, but I know you prefer the real thing. Don't stop me caring though.
Take Care
Hope xx
P.S. Please forgive my flippant comment... I was just trying to cheer you up, Francis, you know I do care about you. Hope you're feeling better now. xxx
P.P.S. I sent you an email, old thing. I don't know why you're so down on yourself, I think you're lovely. xxx
I'm on a work trip to California. 2 of my colleagues are in the same hotel, doing different work, but I know them. This evening I got a text message from one of them saying they'd been invited to dine with someone they were working with, so they wouldn't be eating with me. However, I happen to know that they invited another colleague from England who's staying in a different hotel, because he told me himself.
The same thing happened last week. I was supposed to be going for lunch with colleagues and one of them certainly knew I'd been expecting to join them, but they went without me and he didn't mention it.
I just have to accept the fact that my nervous tension makes people feel uncomfortable and that there is no way back into the social world. I'm here in beautiful California with the evening sun shining, stuck in my hotel room wondering why I was fated to a life of permanent rejection. Nobody likes me. Nobody likes me. It makes me so sad.
I can't go on much longer being this unhappy.
Confront them and ask them if you are suffering from the plague.
They should at least give you some explanation for not inviting you.
hiya francis you focus on making u feel better hun and enjoy where u are. if people want to be that ignorant and hurtful then they are not worth knowing. never give up cos u will meet people who come into your life who are genuine and caring and want to be a true friend, they do exist, honest mate, its just sad that there are many more narrow minded, shallow idiots in this world. also hope1 i undestand the rejection the same as u its a horrid feeling but we are all so much more better than these people so never give up. if u r in a beautiful place dont let people spoil it, gain your strength and make most of it. hugs xx
Thanks for the replies. I wish there were people in real life who were as nice to me.
Confront them and ask them if you are suffering from the plague.
They should at least give you some explanation for not inviting you.
Hi Trixie. I don't need an explanation. I see it in their faces: they just wish I wasn't there.
One of them had asked me to pick up a package for a colleague back in Cambridge since I was in the same building. I texted him last night, after he'd failed to respond to my previous text, saying I was leaving it here if I didn't hear from him. Then he phoned me and said his team had adjourned to a restaurant near the company HQ. But I guarantee they'll have invited the other colleague along.
He said did I want to join them now in the hotel bar. I said no, I was about to go to bed but would come down and hand him the package. So I did and made sure I didn't look him in the eye and said "See you" as curtly as possible and left.
He's the sort of bloke who's always asking favours of other people (he made me book a taxi the other day, which for one reason and another was a bit complicated), but never helps out other people.
But then, my other 2 colleagues are nice people and they didn't step in either, so that makes the situation clear enough. Everyone avoids the lonely guy. And I try hard not to seem lonely and miserable but who am I kidding.
mayb so hun but u must tell yourself that u r better then them and its a pity people are like that, people like us who are caring and genuine and thoughtful and want to please, sometimes end up doing peoples dirty work cos we dont know how to say no, i have been there. but i aint no door mat and neither are u. you can meet nice people u gotta to look in right places. from experiece the nicest most genuine people i have met in real life are when i have helped with charity work whether it be shops, hospitals, events etc so mayb try and get involved in something like that and u will meet genuine people there.
Hi Francis,
I don't really know what I can add, I've done my best to help you feel less alone, we've all said what we can. Do these people really matter to you? I've met loads of people who wouldn't want to have dinner with me, and I wouldn't want to have dinner with them. Most of us don't have that many really good friends, if we're honest. If I think about people I could call if, say, I were having a panic attack and needed help, I can only come up with three names, my mum, my boyfriend, and one other really good friend ( but she's in Russia at the moment, so maybe not her! ) My point is, what is it you want out of these people? Really deep meaningful friendship, or just to go out and have a laugh, or what?
I know you feel bad because of being single... I know how hard this can be. My sister gets very low about being single and not having anyone she can really be herself with, I talk to her about it a lot. It's worth noting that she doesn't have a trace of social phobia, she has a lot of friends and an active social life, she is attractive and has her own successful business. Anyone looking at her life from the outside would probably envy her.
The point I'm making here is that you're not the only one with insecurities, even though it feels like it. For instance, I'm jealous of you just getting to California, it takes me all my time to get to the corner shop at the moment!
I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just you make it sound like no one gives a toss about you, well I do, I've really tried to help. I know what you want is 'real' friends in the 'real' world... well, I'm real! If you can interact with us here on NMP you can interact with others 'out there' too. Trust me.
I do know what it's like to feel like you do, I'm been in some work environments where people haven't even bothered to hide the fact they didn't like me much. Yeah, it's not nice, but you just have to concentrate on the people who do take the time to talk to you. Sometimes, as well, it's possible to learn from these experiences with people; I know I've come to learn things about myself, and how I come across, from the way people react to me, and which people like me and which people don't.
Anyway, sorry to go on! Thinking of you. xxx
well said samira and very true xxxx we r all here for you francisxxx
My point is, what is it you want out of these people? Really deep meaningful friendship, or just to go out and have a laugh, or what?
Not deep meaningful friendship, just going out and having a bit of a laugh. I used to be able to do that, but I can't any more. That's what makes me so sad. Even when I go out with my few friends every 3 months or so I feel really tense and sense that I'm spoiling the atmosphere and that it's not like it used to be.
You may think I'm being wet and self-pitying - well so be it. I'd be feeling this way anyway but I guess I have the choice of putting a brave face on things. I'm sorry if I'm getting people down.
The point I'm making here is that you're not the only one with insecurities, even though it feels like it. For instance, I'm jealous of you just getting to California, it takes me all my time to get to the corner shop at the moment!
I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just you make it sound like no one gives a toss about you, well I do, I've really tried to help. I know what you want is 'real' friends in the 'real' world... well, I'm real! If you can interact with us here on NMP you can interact with others 'out there' too.
Of course I'm not the only one with insecurities and I'm not incapable of sympathising with other people's. All I can say is there's nothing to envy in someone being in a beautiful place and feeling almost suicidally miserable and lonely while they're there.
I feel somewhat better now, having been for lunch with my American colleagues, even though it was a bit of a struggle as usual. To some extent Americans seem a bit less sensitive to the bad vibes I give off and are more open and inclusive.
Trust me.
I do know what it's like to feel like you do, I'm been in some work environments where people haven't even bothered to hide the fact they didn't like me much. Yeah, it's not nice, but you just have to concentrate on the people who do take the time to talk to you. Sometimes, as well, it's possible to learn from these experiences with people; I know I've come to learn things about myself, and how I come across, from the way people react to me, and which people like me and which people don't.
Anyway, sorry to go on! Thinking of you. xxxThanks. I'm sorry to be a burden. All I can say is I have been in a very very bad way and if that's self-pity then so be it. I realise I'm not the only one with problems but I never asked for people to save me, I just wanted to whine.
I know when one is suffering and sees other people talking about their suffering one is inclined to think them selfish and ungrateful.
Anyway that's my last word on this thread.
milly jones
18-07-08, 22:50
please
we are all here to support and help each other
we are all needy and sensitive in different ways
we need to stay strong to help each other
i hate misunderstandings, they make me feel anx
lets stand together to fight anx in the name of nmp guys
mill xxxx
HI francis im here if u wanna chat hun
I'm really sorry Francis if anything I said upset you. I really didn't mean to, I didn't mean to suggest you were self-pitying. I just wanted to point out that it's easy to think that it's just you, when in fact a lot of us are lonely in different ways. I think very highly of you, you know that. I was just trying to give you a fresh perspective on things, that's all. Hope we're still friends, I'd be really upset if not. xxxx
...And as I've said to you before, you've been such a help and support to me, and listened when I've whinged on about things, and I'll always be grateful to you for that. Really really sorry for being insensitive. xxx
aww hi samira im sure francis knows u meant well and also francis im here too if u wanna chat, i hope u are feeling better today and enjoying some site seeing xxx
I think he's forgiven me now. At least I hope so! xx
I totally agree with what you said Milly. I think it has a lot to do with the vibes we give off as to the way poeple pick it up.
Francis we all like you :-))
It's no use telling him, he won't believe you (I'M KIDDING, FRANCIS)! xxx
hi frances hope u doing ok hun? im here if u wanna chat hugs xxxx
I've been thinking a lot about this, and while I deeply regret phrasing my comment in a way that caused upset and hurt, I do still stand by the points I made. Unfortunately being hurt, in some way, by others, is almost inevitable in life, especially if you are sensitive to the reactions of others. Some of us (and I include myself here) tend to have low self-esteem and consequently feel slighted or ignored by others much more easily than our thicker-skinned counterparts. It's one of the pitfalls of a sensitive temperament. When I worked in an office I used to wonder why one of the women there seemed to dislike me so intensely, it really bothered me and I would run over in my head everything I had said, wondering what had upset her. It was only when I found one of the typists crying in the ladies because this woman had laid into her that I realised the problem didn't lie with me!
I'm not comparing this to your situation, or minimising the very real hurt that your colleagues caused. It's just that I feel to a certain extent trying to second guess other people and their reactions is always going to be a forlorn enterprise. It's best to concentrate on the people who do care and will listen. xxx
Hi. Just returned to this thread - I had no idea what I'd kicked off. Samira, if I'd realised how bothered you were by my reply I'd have responded sooner - sorry. I've just sent you an email anyway.
For the record, my time in America improved after that crisis. Thanks to all here for your messages of support.
Francis
Well, you can choose to dwell on fact that your colleagues went to dinner without you, or you can do something positive. You could make a joke of it and ask them outright "Do I have BO or something?" or you could ask them "So what are we all doing about dinner tomorrow night, fancy going somewhere together?". If that fails, why not go out sightseeing by yourself? I found Americans are much more sociable and easy to make friends with, than British people. I found you can go into a bar and strike up a conversation with an American and they will engage in conversation, whereas doing so in a British pub results in peopple thinking you're weird or up to something.
Is there anyone at work that you can confide in? Your line manger or a colleague, or someone in staff welfare? Someone to approach and ask "Look, this may sound a bit weird, but I feel somewhat isolated among my workmates, I know we all have our own little quirks and eccentricities, but just wondered if there is something about me that is giving off wrong vibes, and any advice you could give me?"
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