View Full Version : I feel so down!
I don't really know how to describe how I am feeling today,it's just that I have just realised I am not living the life I want to live. You may think(those of you that may read these thread)that I am just feeling sorry for myself but it is a genuine problem I have because I tend to hide my true feelings from my husband,child and mother and put on a front where everyone thinks I am ok.
I went to a family funeral yesterday in the lake district and met family I haven't seen in years,family that I miss a lot and didn't realise it until now.It has really affected me since returning home and I feel really tearful and sad.My cousin has just bought a cottage over there and took me and mum to see it on the way home,it was lovely and is in a great area.She showed me the quaint school and the lovely church and it even has a lovely playground which is safe and nice opposite her front garden. I live in a nice house but it is in Middlesbrough which is a town that is industrial and noisy and everything the country is not. My daughter is taught at home(something that is too long winded to explain here) and I can't get a job at the moment because of this.We are finding it hard to manage with money and I never get a night out or a meal out with my husband because we haven't got any family near us only my mum and she is old so I don't like to ask her a lot to pitch in where Emily is concerned.
You who are reading this may think now "oh she's just feeling jealous of other people"but I really didn't think my life would be this way and I don't know how to deal with it.I have felt for a long time that there is something missing but I don't know what! My family yesterday where saying how glad they were that I was happy and settled and I couldn't really say that I felt dead inside could I? I must have put on a good act,which add's to my anxiety because I am not showing my true feelings. I love my daughter dearly and my husband but I feel guilty for wanting more whatever more is and just wish I could accept things as they are. I feel very frightened about Emily's education and lay awake at night worrying that she isn't going to grow up with enough knowledge to see her through life. She is a highly sensitive child and this is one of the reasons she didn't adapt to school. I just want to be normal and have children at school,a part time job perhaps and enough money to live. I don't want a million in the bank(although it would be nice -lol)I just want to be able to not have to worry if I can put petrol in the car this week.
It didn't help yesterday that everyone there was very comfortable off and had good jobs etc I felt like the family pauper.
I haven't come on to moan I just want to know if these feelings are going to go away becaise they are there all the time in the back of my mind every day,it's just taken a day out like this to hit home. My anxiety in the night was awful,I felt sick,had shaking legs and came out in a hot sweat. I just sat on the bed and waited for it to pass,my husband get's annoyed if I wake him up as he just says"you know it's a panic attack by now" so I tend to cope on my own now.
I feel very sad today and very worried and sometimes think "is this it,is this what my life is going to be forever"? I want so much for Emily and can't give to her because I just haven't the resources.She would love to wake up and o be able to run outside and look at the view of the hills and live in the cool beautiful countryside but instead lives up the road from a Morrisons store and looks upon houses.
I want to give her so much and I know I am not a good parent for feeling this way,she want's a mum who doesn't hanker after what she can't have,I feel so guilty.
I am sorry if I sound pathetic it's just I feel very confused today and sad.
xxxxxxxx:weep:
milly jones
17-07-08, 10:22
hugs hunny
i think we do analyse our lives laods with anx. i know i do hun
ive got the nice house etc but im not satisfied either.
ive got a lovely family, cars everything u talk of but i need more.
cant talk bout it on here but i do know haow u feel.
please try and remeber that u did really well at the funeral coping, and that u are grieving too.
funerals always make ppl take stock of their lives.
u sound like a super mum and good wife.
some of the ppl in those lovely cottages may be so unhappy hun.
u give ur life to ur family, and thats all u can do.
ur daughter loves u and needs u to be strong.
we can only live with what were given, and make the best of it.
come nmp and try to vent ur frustrations.
ur hb attitude to anx may not be helping ur self esteem too.
i have this its so hard to get ppl to understand. my hb comes on nmp to try and get a feeling of what anx is and how it effects us.
take care hunny
milly xxx
Mothermac, don't be so harsh on yourself, i'm sure you're doing a great job. We all want more, nice things, a lovely house, career, nice area, loving partners etc but sometimes wanting more isn't always obtainable, that's life.
Try looking at things in a positive way, think of all the other people who are less fortunate than yourself. Nothing wrong with wanting more, but don't beat yourself up about it, especially if at the moment it's the impossible, what's thinking negatively going to achieve? Yep, completely nothing.
Oh and i'm sure that Morrisons up the road can become handy at times :winks:.
xx
Hiya,
You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like a very loving parent that wants the best for your family.
I have always lived with dreams, there's nothing wrong in that at all, the majority do. I've been one to always have goals infront of me to work towards, whether it's passing an exam, a certain job position, living elsewhere,.. whatever and once I've gained that, I carry on with other future goals. I truly believe it keeps us feeling alive and healthy, it doesn't mean that you're jealous of others. It's natural to envy, but really when you think about it, no matter what life circumstances are for others, (may seem brighter and more pleasant to you), but in actual fact, I can guarantee that they're also working towards gaining a better life.
Some people say, that the 'grass always seem's greener on the other side', well in some respect this is true, but theres nothing wrong with wanting to take a step further where you feel your life could be brighter for yourself and your family, it's natural to feel this way.
If I don't have a challenge in life, a dream, something to work and gain towards, I feel totally lost and worthless.
We're going through the process of to sorting things out to emigrate. Why? Because I want a better life for my children and ourselves. Where we are moving has better opportunties for all of us.
Life's far too short to sit around thinking what if's, or if only. I believe that you're quite a driven person from what you've described.
Maybe you can look into moving, gaining a job, look into things that may improve your daughters self confidence for her to join a school.
There's so much out there and anybody can do whatever they want to do, if you put your mind to it you can achieve what you want.
You sound like a great mum to me, try not to put yourself down, you're worth so much more !!
Take care and good luck in your future plans :flowers: xxx
hiya well hugs to u cos we both having such a horrid day, i totally understand how u feel as i have been there before. i am happy now with my hubby and kids and area we live etc but i was in a situation before where i just was not happy and hated everything going on in my life and negative people etc, my lovely kids were only thing keeping me going. me and hubby decided to move to area we in now cos we was not happy and schooling not good etc and we started again completely, he had new job cos the one he had meant he spent no time with me and boys and was always tired and we decided to put each other first for a change. i also got rid of certain relatives and friends who were not true to me and just used me and made me feel crap and came off my anti depressents and started exercising every day and after a month or so i started to feel really good and positive. i have continued with the exercise and i brisk walk every day and i am very positive about most stuff and if something is giving me stress i deal with it. the only thing i cant deal with at mo is my parents as u know. so my advice to u wouldm be to talk to your hubby about how u feel and make changes in your life even if it means moving, changing jobs, friends etc as sometimes we need to make changes to make our lives better. hugs to u xx
Thanks everybody for replying to my post,it's good to know that you are all there for me. A hug to Donna for taking the time to read it cos I know you are having problems at the moment too.
I will try and do what you all suggest,and yes I do agree with you Katie that it all seems greener on the other side and it often isn't that way at all. Just seeing how other people live is enough to make me realise that I HAVE! to do something to rid myself of this rut I find myself in. My auntie said that my dad would have been pleased to know that I was settled(my dad died when I was 11) and I thought "settled" what exactly does that mean? I think people expect you to have worn the t-shirt and done the things you always wanted to do by the time you reach my age (41). I think I am going through a mid-life crisis by the sound of it.
After the summer holidays about September I will ask Emily's education worker to come and see me and I will try and get her maybe to go back to school a few mornings a week and see if that works cos deep down I know being at home isn't the answer,she doesn't get to see a lot of people and it is making her more insular if anything(I'm sick of trying to ignore the frowns and noises of disapproval when folks realise she doesn't go to school-I think thet think that she doesn't do any form of learning at all which isn't true at all.WE! have to do lessons which is hard sometimes-people don't understand the true logic.
Thanks again for giving me all your advice it is much appreciated. xxxxxx
You seem to worry about what other people think alot. Only you know what's best for your daughter, whatever you feel IS the right thing to do. You are her mummy and you are doing your very best.
Ignore what others think, live your life and do what you feel is best for yourself and family. Some people will comment no matter what we do, they probably should concentrate on their own lives rather than others, you're doing fine, try not to worry so much. xx:flowers:
Hi Katie
Yes I do agree with you I do tend to take on board what other people think of me and family a lot. My cousin who has the cottage is very snobby and I have always looked up to her since I was small and her opinion means a lot. I should have the confidence to SAY "hey,this is what my life is like,I may not be rich in monetary terms but I am rich in other ways" I know this is true and that's where the guilt kicks in. I have a husband who I have loved all my life(not everybody has that) and I have a child who is lovely(some women can't have kids,and end up really depressed because of this)but it sometimes doesn't seem enough and I feel like I am a bad person for thinking it.(do you understand what I mean?) I can't really explain it.
Anyway thanks for replying and it is good to know you sympathise,you are a star! xxxxxxxxx
You feel you should be happy with what you have because you feel others are worse off than you so you.......
feel guilty for wanting more.
But you're...
finding it hard to manage with money........
So you.......
lay awake at night worrying........
and you feel very frightened about Emily's education and lay awake at night worrying that she isn't going to grow up with enough knowledge to see her through life.
because you want more for your daughter......
You go to a family funeral.......
everyone there was very comfortable off and had good jobs etc I felt like the family pauper.
Which makes you feel inferior.......
and feel so guilty.......
Which made you worry more.........
I feel very sad today and very worried and sometimes think "is this it,is this what my life is going to be forever"?
and more depressed.....
I just want to know if these feelings are going to go away becaise they are there all the time in the back of my mind every day
Every second of every day and night your mind is filled with these worries which are creating your panics making you feel ill and pathetic...and even more guilty for not feeling more capable...
My anxiety in the night was awful,I felt sick,had shaking legs and came out in a hot sweat.
I just want to be normal and have children at school,a part time job perhaps and enough money to live.
Which is perfectly reasonable so you just need to make a plan towards achieving your goals so you feel you're getting somewhere to ease your worrying that is causing all your problems.:hugs:
Hi mothermac,
I do think that it will be a good idea to try and get your daughter back to school, my son had 6 months off school when he came out of a special school and went into a resourced base in a main stream school and they didn't know how to handle his disability (he is on the autistic spectrum). There is loads of advice that you can get to help with this, a staged transsition is a good idea, it may be that she only goes for a visit, then a short stay, all taken very slowly so she doesn't become too overwelmed with it all, and part time will be a very good idea once she fells confortable with the school. My son went from a child having constant night terrors, panic attacks, his autism was 100 times worse. with the propper stratergies put in place this can be achieved, he couldn't join in most things at first, ate dinner by himself and his 1:1 sat by himself in class had to be watched at play time and went 3 mornings a week for 10 weeks but now he is so much better, plays with the other children, sits at lunch with them, even goes in the mainstream class with his 1:1. I am telling you this so you can see even with a child that was severley stressed about school and had developed a phobia of it is now a happy boy who can't wait for his taxi to come in the morning and go, he is doing that well he is recieving an award today that is going to be a suprise.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it is not easy being a parent and it sounds to me that you are doing a great job with very little help, and you don't have the respite of your daughter going to school so the responsorbility is solely with you. It is a shame that you haven't got anybody to watch your little girl so you and your hubby can go out together and have a bit of "you" time, is there nobody about that can help even for an hr? Are you able to take your daughter to a park so she can play and you and hubby can sit and watch?
If you need any advice on the school part feel free to p.m. me
Lilly-lou
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