mom22
28-04-05, 03:07
Hello everyone,
I've been lurking around since late December (long time, I know) and want to say thanks to each and every one of you who have posted messages. I come to the site several times a day for inspiration and have never been let down! To all the kind folks in the chat room the last couple of nights, thank you for letting me butt in on your conversations (guest-sue)! I knew I'd be welcome but I wanted to test the waters...no let down there either!
Well...unbeknownst to me, I had been building up a ton of baggage that finally led to a very scary panic attack in October 04. Of course, at the time I didn't know it was a panic attack - like many others I thought I was gravely ill (2 great big heart palpitations immediately followed by a massive fear response). After spending a whole night feeling like I was dying I finally took myself to the ER the next afternoon. EKG and blood tests fine but the student doctor came in my cubby and told me there was a mass on my lung in the chest x-ray...real Dr. came in later and said the chest x-ray was fine, I could go home! I spent the next few days wondering who to believe. Went to my replacement gp who gave me Ativan and a requisition for another chest xray for a month down the road. Did I wait a month? Nope...lasted 4 days tormenting myself with the what-ifs. Went for another chest xray and waited on pins and needles, nearly passing out each time the phone would ring (they only call you with bad test results here - no news is good news kind of deal). That xray was fine too but I guess the damage had been done and the pattern set. I slowly became plagued with every other anxiety symptom known to humankind and convinced myself with the help of the Merck Manual that I was on Death's doorstep. By early December I was taking Trazodone to help me sleep but it wasn't working. I started having the throat problems and difficulty swallowing. I was losing weight at an astonishing rate which just fueled the anxiety more. I was a wreck! Couldn't go anywhere, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and had just barely enough energy to tend to my family (and daycare - can't figure out how I did that!) Nausea, dry heaves, dizzy, diarrhea, hot, cold...just plain blah. Then my sister put me on to the site, my regular gp was back and things slowly started to turn around. I recognized I was addicted to the Ativan and was getting rebound withdrawal symptoms from them and that the feeling of being on a walk-a-lator in a fishbowl was dp! Gp put me on Remeron in February. I instantly gained back 15 lbs of the 27 lbs I had lost, but was coping better. Then I started having yucky side effects like muscle spasms and restless leg (besides feeling comatose most of the time) so weaned off of those at the end of March and am now drug free.
With all of the advice from here, I went caffeine free, started massage therapy, found a therapist for relaxation/CBT and am planning on getting out for exercise now that it's not 30 below zero anymore! I still feel really wound up most of the time though (lots of night panics and insomnia) and experience many physical symptoms as well. I think it's because eventhough I can rationally tell myself that I am not dying, I am fine, I haven't convinced myself emotionally/subconsciously. The symptoms persist, therefore the anxiety stays and the anxiety stays, therefore the symptoms persist? I have to force myself to relax and when I can't do it, I get anxious! Make any sense?
I have clearly blabbed on long enough! Eventhough I often still feel like the guy in the Myth of Sysiphus(?) rolling the boulder up the hill, I hope that I can help others with the bit of experience I have gained along the way and remain open to the insights of others!
Thanks again all!
I've been lurking around since late December (long time, I know) and want to say thanks to each and every one of you who have posted messages. I come to the site several times a day for inspiration and have never been let down! To all the kind folks in the chat room the last couple of nights, thank you for letting me butt in on your conversations (guest-sue)! I knew I'd be welcome but I wanted to test the waters...no let down there either!
Well...unbeknownst to me, I had been building up a ton of baggage that finally led to a very scary panic attack in October 04. Of course, at the time I didn't know it was a panic attack - like many others I thought I was gravely ill (2 great big heart palpitations immediately followed by a massive fear response). After spending a whole night feeling like I was dying I finally took myself to the ER the next afternoon. EKG and blood tests fine but the student doctor came in my cubby and told me there was a mass on my lung in the chest x-ray...real Dr. came in later and said the chest x-ray was fine, I could go home! I spent the next few days wondering who to believe. Went to my replacement gp who gave me Ativan and a requisition for another chest xray for a month down the road. Did I wait a month? Nope...lasted 4 days tormenting myself with the what-ifs. Went for another chest xray and waited on pins and needles, nearly passing out each time the phone would ring (they only call you with bad test results here - no news is good news kind of deal). That xray was fine too but I guess the damage had been done and the pattern set. I slowly became plagued with every other anxiety symptom known to humankind and convinced myself with the help of the Merck Manual that I was on Death's doorstep. By early December I was taking Trazodone to help me sleep but it wasn't working. I started having the throat problems and difficulty swallowing. I was losing weight at an astonishing rate which just fueled the anxiety more. I was a wreck! Couldn't go anywhere, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and had just barely enough energy to tend to my family (and daycare - can't figure out how I did that!) Nausea, dry heaves, dizzy, diarrhea, hot, cold...just plain blah. Then my sister put me on to the site, my regular gp was back and things slowly started to turn around. I recognized I was addicted to the Ativan and was getting rebound withdrawal symptoms from them and that the feeling of being on a walk-a-lator in a fishbowl was dp! Gp put me on Remeron in February. I instantly gained back 15 lbs of the 27 lbs I had lost, but was coping better. Then I started having yucky side effects like muscle spasms and restless leg (besides feeling comatose most of the time) so weaned off of those at the end of March and am now drug free.
With all of the advice from here, I went caffeine free, started massage therapy, found a therapist for relaxation/CBT and am planning on getting out for exercise now that it's not 30 below zero anymore! I still feel really wound up most of the time though (lots of night panics and insomnia) and experience many physical symptoms as well. I think it's because eventhough I can rationally tell myself that I am not dying, I am fine, I haven't convinced myself emotionally/subconsciously. The symptoms persist, therefore the anxiety stays and the anxiety stays, therefore the symptoms persist? I have to force myself to relax and when I can't do it, I get anxious! Make any sense?
I have clearly blabbed on long enough! Eventhough I often still feel like the guy in the Myth of Sysiphus(?) rolling the boulder up the hill, I hope that I can help others with the bit of experience I have gained along the way and remain open to the insights of others!
Thanks again all!