Not getting any easier

[blackie]

Hi all

I have just got back from my allotment in a state of panic and now i am feeling utterly misrable. I have had the allotment now for about two months and have been trying to go up at least twice a week for an hour on my own. Its only about 5 mins walk away. Every morning i push myself to go and i get through the initial panic but the anxiety will not go down and i keep getting frequent panic attacks. More recently i am tring to go up every morning in the week but its just not getting any easier. I dont know what else to do. I was hoping this would be the start to being able to leave the house but the inproovments are so small. Am i just being impatient? And everytime i do manage to leave the house i do really well for a few weeks and then get knocked back to square one.
Sorry for the moan, i just feel horrid. It feels what ever i do its never good enough. I have stopped drinking, smoking, started exercising, watch my diet and caffine. On top of all that i think i have a stomach ulcer but the next tests the doctor wants to do are in hospital so i havnt been back to see him. I know that is really stupid as its uncomfortable to say the least but i keep saying it will get better oin its own. I do not want a tube stuck down my throat!!!
Am i ever going to have a normal life? All my friends have gone to uni and i am tring to do an open uni degree and doing well in it but i have to do four summer schools and i dont know how i will ever manage. If i cannot do thoose then i have wasting 3 years for nothing. I am desperate to be ale to go to uni and do my masters in two years once i have finished my degree.
I really hate this. I can't go on holiday, i cant see my friends, i cant get a job, i cant do anything. I just sit at home doing nothing but working or watching boring tv.

Sorry for the long rant. :blush: I just want to cry
Blackie

[Zingara]

Hiya,
Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. :hugs:
I can relate, I get really depressed when I seem to have a relapse and the panic comes back. Last week I could hardly get to the corner shop... so I do know how dispiriting it is, and how it makes you wonder if you'll ever get better. I guess your quote kind of says it though, it is going to take more than one night. These things do take time, and you're bound to have setbacks along the way. Well done for getting to the allotment in the first place!
How long have you been feeling this way? When did your panics start? Are you getting any treatment?
I am hoping to start an OU course myself in Sept.. what are you studying? xxx

[mandie]

Awww poor you :hugs:

Im like that in the fact i have few good weeks, and then wake up one day and feel like im back to square one.

It does take time and i guess we have to be patient.

If we are having more good days than bad, then i think thats a good start.

love mandie x

[blackie]

Hi

Samira: Thanks for your reply. Yuo're right, it does take time but it feels like it never gets easier. I have had anxiety for about five years now and the last two have been so bad i cannot leave the house at all. There is very little treatment round here so i have accepted that i am going to have to do it on my own. I just dont know how to keep going. The panic is relentless. I am taking a biology degree through the OU. They are great and so understanding of peaoples needs. They allow me to take my exams at home and i have a really friendly special metor who phones just to see how i am doing with the work. They go out of there way to help their students. What are you thinking about taking? I have found it to be a great convedence boost and alot of fun.

Thanks Mandie. I know everyone gets bad days and good days and i am just hoping that there will be more good days then bad. If only there was a magic cure.lol

Take care all.
blackie
xxx

[milly jones]

i think recognising the number of good, middling and bad days is important.

i have spoken before about keeping a mood diary so that u can reflect on progress

it allows u to see a rational picture of ur illness

milly xxx

[JohnBliss]

Hi
Fifteen months ago I thought I had a stomach ulcer -the doctor agreed and put me on the medication which eventually healed it straight away (lansoprazole).The subsequent endoscopy confirmed the ulcer, I carried on with the medication and was healed in no time. The endoscopy procedure is no more than uncomfortable even without anaesthetic and is nothing to worry about. Hope the problem is soon resolved.
All The Best
John

[blackie]

Hiya
Thanks John for you reassurance. Im on a simmiler medication Omeprazole but have been on it for four months now and it doesnt seem to be doing much. I just keep hoping that it will. I know i should go back and see him and get it sorted,i just need to find some courage.

[dawny]

hi ya

wow, you taken the right steps by getting the allotment....and keep at it, remember there will be bad days, that applies to everyone not just us with pan and anx.

are you eating before you go and taking snacks while you are, because if you are digging etc it takes a lot of energy, i have a big garden and always feel panicky half way through doing it, mainly because my sugar levels drop.

don't worry about what all your mates are doing, you are you and you really must not compare yourself to anyone else....things will come right for you in the end, nothing stays the same.

if you are worrying about the ulcer then that will have an effect on your anx.

sorry sound like a lecture,

take care dawny xxxxx

[Lindalou64]

Hey Blackie Sorry Ya Feeling So Blah Right Now But Ya Must Try And Stay Positive Instead Of I Cant"s Switch It To I Will ....gettin The Negative Out The Cants And Turn It Around...you Will Get There One Day, I Wish Ya Well,linda