I'm so frustrated

[waccyman]

I am so frustrated at the moment, a brief rundown of my history. I was diagnosed with suffering from severe depression about 2 years ago. This happened after my Nan passed away in my arms. That followed with bad nightmares about my Nan, then My Dad was rushed to hospital and he was touch and go for a few weeks. On top of that the stress in my Job was killing me and the usual stress of being a Father and the world we live in didn't help. This caused me to crack up and seek help from my GP who then got me to se various Psychiatrists.
Throughout the period of chatting to my GP and to the shrink it came out that when i was a child I was abused by my Grandfather (I had buried the memories deep inside and they eventually came out). I had always known something had happened to me when i was a child because i had real trouble remembering my childhood. Now i know why.
Anyway lets move forward a bit I am still seeing my GP, still taking my medication and still seeing the shrink. I am still very depressed, not as bad as it was in the beginning but its still there. The biggest problem I have is the Agoraphobia I am suffering. Somedays I can barely open the front door, when I do its like a black vortex and it scares me, other times when i do manage to leave the house I am lucky if i last 30 mins. I start to have panic attacks, I start sweating and my vision goes blurred all i want to do is get back to a safe zone.
I get so annoyed with myself, my company had to get rid of me and i haven't worked for nearly 2 years. I so want to get a job but how can I when i can't even leave my house.
I'm sorry if this is boring people, I just needed to get somethings written down and get it out of my system.
My GP and shrink tell me i have a Borderline Personality Disorder, i suppose when i look back at my life I have always had bouts of depression. But i've always been the clown with my friends and family, always wanted to see people laugh and smile, always wanted to be the joker in the pack. Also i've always had severe mood swings, great highs and bad lows, its just a shame that my lows have led me to self harm and attempt suicide.
Its so nice to find a website which has people who i can relate to and express my feelings. Although my family and my girlfriend have been fantastic they find it hard to understand, i suppose for anyone who hasn't had mental health problems they would find it hard but at least i have some support.
So why am i so frustrated, well its probably the Agoraphobia thing thats getting me down, i feel so useless and worthless that i can't go out and earn a wage like most people. I hate living like this, I know that in time I will overcome some of my fears but I'm just impatient I suppose.
Thanks for reading this, and sorry If i have bored you, i just wanted people to hear a bit of my story.
Take care and all the best to you all.

[yorkylover]

Hi and:welcome: you will get lots of support and friendly advise here.:hugs:Dont ever feel you are boring us,you can come here to off load.I to have agoraphobia,I always need someone with me when I go out and it does get you down.:hugs: Its very frustrating:weep:

[milly jones]

hi hunny

im not agoraphobic hun, but do empathise.

im currently in my second episode and hopefully the meds are starting to kick in.

im in the position of not being able to work at the moment too, but trying not to stress about it and concentrating on lifting my mood, and reducing my anx

take care

milly xxx

[50cent84]

hi waccyman. im really bad ith agrophobia. i can leave house but only 15 mile radius. i cant walk anywhere i got to drive.m 24 and it started 3 yrs ago and it depresses me as my girl friend and friends all live "normal lives"

i was so bad i would not leave the house mate. you be strong if you can and take it step by step. credit youself for each bit further you go. be more positive to. positive thinkin will get you further. the fact is you aint going to die or lose control. takecare mate and message me any time for a chat

[Spiritual Butterfly]

Hi Waccyman,

I too suffer with severe depression anx/panic attacks and Agrophobia. I was off work last year for 7 months, I went back to work in January of this year as things were a lot calmer but the problem had not gone, the tablets were just helping me to control things better & I tried to look at situations differently. I'm also diabetic type 1 with bad control which does not help above symptoms. Iam now off work ill again since the beginning of June thanks to a very unco-operative & selfish Supervisor. Just when things were looking up they come crashing down . My employers were made aware of my health problems last year via my Doctor & they have been brilliant about it & tried to support me unfortunately its the odd bad pennies that are not co-operating with the Company that have spoiled it, thus my present position. My Personnel Manager came to visit me at home yesterday to discuss things she too was brilliant & told me not to worry about my job which was a relief, she said the company's hands were tied anyway because there is a specific rule in place called the Disability Discrimination act, because it is an illness that you cannot see, there is not much they can do accept communicate with the company Doctor & my Doctor. I know it sounds awfully ungrateful but I would rather my employers finished me on ill health grounds because of all my health problems I don't think I could cope with the job anymore. I have been in this trade since I left school at 16, Iam now 37, I have nothing on my CV, I'm single live on my own, childlesss. I know its a clich'e but everyone wants a normal life. When I left school I was a Baby so naive, I knew nothing I just expected to meet someone get a nice well paid job, be able to afford a mortgage, settle down, get married. Yes rose tinted glasses I know buts that how I was brought up. Circumstances did not quite work out that way. I have many regrets about my life when I left school due to unforseen family problems I did not have any choice but to go straight into work which was a YTS at the time just to put money on the table. My Parents did not demand that I do that but both them & I knew that they could not afford to pay my way through college or uni or to stay on at school not that I left school with brilliant grades, I did leave school with something on paper which I was happy with but I knew I could not have done any better either, I was all studied out. I could probably write a book about all the things that happened back then but it would also upset me too much to remember. Life doesn't always work out how we want it too, sometimes choices are made for us & if we are loving, caring & loyal people then we stand by our Families whether the choice is good or bad no matter what. Unfortunately it did not cement my future my head is very much in limbo land. I have to try & carry on somehow and its hard so I totally understand thats why this website is so needed & appreciated so that we can all chat & relieve the burden.

You're not alone,

Kind regards & best wishes

Lynn x.