View Full Version : Living with a partner with depression
Hi I have been living with my partner whom I love dearly for about 12 years now and we have been together for 15 years. He has been suffering acutely from depression during the last 5 years since he was made redundant from his job which he had been in for about 15 years straight from school. He has had a tough time during his life as his Mum died suddenly when he was 21 after going into hospital for a hip replacement operation and then caught a virus which killed her. I didn't know her but I know that they were very close and he hasn't got over it. His father whom I did know also died 3 years ago of a heart attack in hospital, he was a wonderful man and I know even though my partner was older (34) than before when this happened he still has taken it badly and really feels alone. I don't really know what I want to write but it has been tough for me too as I am supporting us both financially as the state won't give him a penny as after he took redundancy he was self employed for 2 years which mean't that his self employed NI contributions aren't enough to give you any help financially if you finally go unemployed and also as I am working this also means he gets nothing not even dental or medical help. Anyway this has been a strain although I know it isn't all about money but when you are trying to make ends meet paying off debts of loans and mortgages etc.. it is hard. Also I have waves of depression and have had for a number of years for which I have taken anti-depressants and seen counsellors both which have proved helpful. Recently I feel very emotional and teary and unable to see or plan any future as I can't see past the surviving day by day. My partner has recently been on a back to work program and has been doing voluntary work which is very positive but I just feel such a burden with it all but don't want to make him feel bad. I don't have any friends to talk to, I don't know why but I don't really make friends prefering to keep myself to myself outside work and other friends I have made in the past have drifted away as I haven't kept in contact. I find friendship quite stressful and with no money it is difficult as I don't have cash to go out. I do feel that everyone around me is depressed or mentally ill as my brother has OCD which I feel sometimes i suffer from a bit getting stressed about safety in the home etc and checking things are ok. Just feels that life really isn't all that great and don't have anything to look forward to or be able to plan for. I mean whilst I am not desperate to have kids at the moment I do feel time slipping away and at 34 I can see myself at 40 in exactly the same position as we are in now. My partner does want something to change and keeps saying I would be better off without him which is not what I want but something does have to change for us as it is really so stressful being in the situation we are in now but I don't know what needs to change. I mean if my partner had a job it would help but then he isn't well although sometimes it seems he is able to cope and is doing fine with the voluntary work. I really don't know what to do or say and I keep rambling on to try to make myself feel better. Please help.Thanks.
hey there butterfly, just wanted to say hello and that it sound slike ur goign through a really crap time, not just having to support both u and your husband emotionally but financially as well. everyone needs time for themselves and time out but when u get into a cycle of depression and circumstance its always harder to get back ont he wagon of doing normla things and having fun and having something to vent out ur frustrations out on .ive got 2 kiddiwinks who i love dearly but am single and have been for a while. i had to give up work cos of my panic attacks and so survive on benfits. all my family moved away to wales and i mis them terribly. i dont get to go out due to babysitters and money but im lucky that ive got brilliant friends who loyally keep me entertained int he evenings with bottles of wine and natter. sometimes just that opportunity to let ur hair down and feel like ur alive again is enough to get u through. the most important thing is having someone who understands and to talk to who cares, there is no magical answers but i really feel for the responsibilty u have. so i suppose this site is a good place to start, theres alot of people (unlike me lol) who will ahve some answers and helpfull advice for u x
beth xx
Thanks Beth for taking the time to post. I do feel better for writing and hopefully will be able to talk to people about how I feel. xxx:)
ps.....sorry just read my post and sounded very tactless talking about freinds, was jsut trying to make a point of that its not just freinds but having people around u who understand you, whiole ur husband has had some terrible things ahppen and ur lives are veyr hard u have eachother x by the way i too ma surrounded by mental illness lol. both my grandparents had sever mental illness and through my childhood were section for numerous hporrific reasons. my grandmother had severe ocd and would wash her hands for hours at a time with neat dettle and we were never allowed to touch her while my grandfather had sever depression. unfortunately its vertually a fact that mental illness runs in families. mine were mad as hatters and while they were very different form most families they were botyh funny and kind and loving and helped me to deal with my own problems. there biggest problems came from there generation that things were kept behind closed doors and they were not prepared to get help. thats one of the biggest things i learnt formt hem, there is NO shaME IN ASKING FOR HELP its what we all need, the security of knowing were not alone x
beth xx
it sounds to me like your partner's problems are putting alot of mental pressure on you, and that you should be asking your doctor to let you speak to someonewho can help and support you.
fran
hello butterfly,
Welcome to the forum!! :)
It sounds like you are being put under a lot of stress that you are struggling to handle.
it might be a good idea if your partner tried counselling of some sort. This way he would get professional help and some of the burden would be taken off you..
Sarah :D
Thanks for your advice. He has been to a number of counsellors including 3 years of Jungian Psychoanalysis. The last counsellor he saw through the doctor was good but the funding ran out as he was only allocated a number of sessions with a slight extension. He is currently on a waiting list to see someone again but you know what the NHS is like. I myself have also seen a number of counsellors, the most helpful was at MIND but again you are only allocated a number of sessions although you can ask to go back and speak to them for a catch up session which I have done in the past.
Thanks
Hi butterfly,
have you shown your parnter this site as he may get some help from it himself, it sounds like you botha have been through the mill hope you find this site a good support
kairen x
Hi Butterfly, know you will get lots of help from this site, perhaps it would be useful if you could both go for help together, then you can support each other.I have got better since accepting i have a problem which it sounds like you are ok with.
Hoping you find some sound advice as it sounds you are having a hard time, there is a chat room you know , it is brilliant and is very supportive as well as amusing. why not pop in, it will give you the chance to talk and make friends too,take care,
love Alexis
Hi Butterfly
This cannot be easy for you at all and you sound like however tough it gets you are there to support him.
He needs help and more than you can give him. You can give him love and all your support but he needs more than that and hopefully he will eventually listen to you and take that on board.
Dont go it alone and i hope we can help you and him if he wants us too.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
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