Cherry Milkshake
29-07-08, 23:38
Hi everyone,
I joined the site yesterday and lurked the forums for a little while. I thought this was the best place to introduce myself. I'm 26 and a mother of two gorgeous girls. I've suffered with depression and low mood due to stress on and off since I was about fourteen as I had a very difficult childhood for various reasons and have been on and off medication, but generally I was a happy and confident person. I've recently seperated from my husband of five years (we were together nine) and last November out of the blue my eldest daughter was diagnosed with benign but huge brain tumour. She had very successful surgery, but I feel like I never really got over the shock.
Since then and the breakdown of my marriage I went off the rails a little. I found a new place to live and left my daughters with their dad as I felt they would be better off for the time being. I went from being a supermum with a husband, my own home, and half way through a degree to living on my own on benefits in a rented house and going out with so-called 'mates' drinking and I'm ashamed to say, sometimes worse. I've never suffered panic attacks before, until about six weeks or so ago when I had what I thought at the time was an impending heart attack after a night of binging on cocain and marajuana. The shock of being taken to hospital scared the hell out of me, and I vowed never to take cocain again. I'd also recently begun a new relationship which was having a few teething problems, and a couple of weeks later I went to stay with a friend for the evening. While I was there I was stupid enough to smoke half a joint thinking without the coke I would be fine. I ended up in hospital again. I felt so stupid and ashamed and so terrified.
Since the last episode the panic attacks have continued. For the last three weeks I've felt like I've been living in a nightmare, sometimes having up to four panic attacks a day and feeling constantly fearful of the next, often tearful and not sleeping or eating well, but I can't help believing this is some kind of punishment for the things that I've done. Things have settled with my new boyfriend a little, although the relationship seems to be one of the main things I get anxious about. That said since realising how ill I have been my partner has been very supportive, but I'm afraid I'm going to drive him away through this illness. My girls are living with me again and having them home has given me something to focus on which has helped a little. After being perscribed several different medications I couldn't take because I began to fear the side effects, I finally have been re prescribed Cymbalta as this is one I've had before and feel comfortable with. I've just started with it yesterday and I know I need to stay strong for the next couple of weeks until it settles in.
Sorry for unloading so much, I was too scared to confide in my Doctor as to what initiated the panic attacks, and I'm worried about the medication and other techniques not helping because of how the attacks were initially caused. I've been through a lot, and whilst that's no excuse for taking drugs, I don't really believe I deserve to be ill although that thought is in the back of my mind. I've learnt my lesson and given up everthing including alcohol and even caffeine. Again, sorry for waffling on but I don't feel I have anyone else in the world I can be truly honest with about what's happening to me. Thanks for reading, and good luck to everyone else trying to cope with these awful things.
Hannah.
I joined the site yesterday and lurked the forums for a little while. I thought this was the best place to introduce myself. I'm 26 and a mother of two gorgeous girls. I've suffered with depression and low mood due to stress on and off since I was about fourteen as I had a very difficult childhood for various reasons and have been on and off medication, but generally I was a happy and confident person. I've recently seperated from my husband of five years (we were together nine) and last November out of the blue my eldest daughter was diagnosed with benign but huge brain tumour. She had very successful surgery, but I feel like I never really got over the shock.
Since then and the breakdown of my marriage I went off the rails a little. I found a new place to live and left my daughters with their dad as I felt they would be better off for the time being. I went from being a supermum with a husband, my own home, and half way through a degree to living on my own on benefits in a rented house and going out with so-called 'mates' drinking and I'm ashamed to say, sometimes worse. I've never suffered panic attacks before, until about six weeks or so ago when I had what I thought at the time was an impending heart attack after a night of binging on cocain and marajuana. The shock of being taken to hospital scared the hell out of me, and I vowed never to take cocain again. I'd also recently begun a new relationship which was having a few teething problems, and a couple of weeks later I went to stay with a friend for the evening. While I was there I was stupid enough to smoke half a joint thinking without the coke I would be fine. I ended up in hospital again. I felt so stupid and ashamed and so terrified.
Since the last episode the panic attacks have continued. For the last three weeks I've felt like I've been living in a nightmare, sometimes having up to four panic attacks a day and feeling constantly fearful of the next, often tearful and not sleeping or eating well, but I can't help believing this is some kind of punishment for the things that I've done. Things have settled with my new boyfriend a little, although the relationship seems to be one of the main things I get anxious about. That said since realising how ill I have been my partner has been very supportive, but I'm afraid I'm going to drive him away through this illness. My girls are living with me again and having them home has given me something to focus on which has helped a little. After being perscribed several different medications I couldn't take because I began to fear the side effects, I finally have been re prescribed Cymbalta as this is one I've had before and feel comfortable with. I've just started with it yesterday and I know I need to stay strong for the next couple of weeks until it settles in.
Sorry for unloading so much, I was too scared to confide in my Doctor as to what initiated the panic attacks, and I'm worried about the medication and other techniques not helping because of how the attacks were initially caused. I've been through a lot, and whilst that's no excuse for taking drugs, I don't really believe I deserve to be ill although that thought is in the back of my mind. I've learnt my lesson and given up everthing including alcohol and even caffeine. Again, sorry for waffling on but I don't feel I have anyone else in the world I can be truly honest with about what's happening to me. Thanks for reading, and good luck to everyone else trying to cope with these awful things.
Hannah.