View Full Version : Scared to let my son go
Hi all, im usually on the HA section as I suffer rom that, scared of dying etc
My general anxiety is effecting my family, my husband is brilliant but apart from having to cope with me being me it doesnt effect him, [which i realise is a biggy for him] and I honestly dont know how he copes with my constant fears and worrying.
My other big problem is my kids, they are 18 in november and youngest just 14 2 weeks ago. The eldest is my main problem, I just cant let him go, I love him so much that i worry for him all the time, if he goes to a party im worried sick, I often stop him doing things like tomorrow for instance, he wants to go to Wolverhampton shopping with mates, it means him going in a friends car so i have said no, the last few weeks ive had a lot to deal with, my friend is dying of cancer and will probably die whilst we are on holiday as we go in 6 days, my aunt was taken into hospital last friday and given 24 -48 hrs, she has MS but thankfully is doing well and should be back in the nursing home over the weekend, my mate is 50, my aunt 59. I had visions of us missing the holiday and my aunt wouldnt make it so now i feel something is going to happen before we go, ive asked my son to please not go as im worried something will happen to him in the car. I realise im being negative and horrible to him and its caused major rows, he just doesnt understand my anxiety, i dont expect him to. I just wish he could listen to how i feel and go with me for a while, he knows the stress im under but teenagers dont get it do they. He says im ruining his life as i wont let him do what he wants to do and frankly i think he is right :weep:
Unfortunately, the more we try to cling onto our kids, the more they end up resenting being smothered and we end up driving them further away.
I can understand your fears, but in order for our kids to become the people they are, we have to let go. My son is 19 and is in the army, he is unhappy and if he doesn't get out soon they will be sending him to afghanistan in september. The hardest part for me is when he joined they took everything away from me that made him mine, they took his birth certificate, passport, driving license etc. everything that made him exist they have. All of a sudden i felt like my son had been taken away from me, they then made him write a will, he was 18 at the time. In order for me to cope with this i had to stop thinking about him so much, it was very difficult, and now he wants to come out, there is absolutely nothing i can do about it, he belongs to the army. Life is full of ifs and buts, my son could survive afghanistan and come home and get hit by a car, but it wouldn't be healthy for me to think like that, i do think that you should let your son go and try not to worry too much. When my son joined the army i had to take off the cotton wool that i'd wrapped him up in the day he was born, once you let him go on the journey, you will feel better and each time he goes it will get easier.
best wishes
di xx
Eljay let him go hun and ask him to Ring /text you every half our untill he is there and the same coming home
You Cant let your fears stop your son from doing normal teen things you have to let him live his life.
if you dont let him carry on one day he is going to just go wheather you like it or not and you will be distressed and crying at the row you have had and feel so much worse
I know its scary but you have to get passed this where your kids are concerned
Its not fair to hinder there lives hun
Plz try as best you can and let your son go with his mates
my daughter is due to travell to brean on sunday with some friend ( she is 18) and i feel scared about that as the person driving is the same age but i have to let her go.
best wishes to you
kellie.xxxxxxxx
The situation your going through is the hardest to control.
Your son is becoming a man. Ultimately, he will be free to choose the life he desires.
He knows you love him. You know he loves you.
You've raised him up until this point to know right from wrong. Now it's time for him to grow up and make his own choices. You just have to trust that you've done right up until now -- and I have NO DOUBT that you have.
Don't let your fears and anxiety become his. Let him live the life he wants without anxiety (yours or his) holding him back.
Eljay, I could have written that post myself!
It is easy for everyone to say yes just let him go but, when your anxiety and fear is so big, it is the hardest thing in the world to be rational about the situation.
He is growing up now and you really have got to start letting him have his freedom, as hard as it will be. The odds are that he will be perfectly alright and everything will go well. Very soon he will be of an age where you wont be able to tell him where to go and with who, he will be able to do as he wishes.
My son is 19 and will be going to Uni in September, in Falmouth which is miles away (I'm in West Midlands). I am dreading it, I will miss him being here so much. BUT, he is now a grown man and must make his own way in life, much as I'd like to keep them in the nest forever :blush:
We have to let them go and make their own life and their own decisions, as hard as that might be.
Kate
Hi There:)
I have to agree with what the others have said
My 22 yr old son left home in April and it was hard, truth be known it still is!!!
But he is a man now, rents his own home and runs his own company!!
He actually thanked me for his upbringing the other day as I always encouraged both my kids to be independant!!
I still cry when I see his empty room but he does stay in touch:D
You have to let them stretch their wings......its all part of being a parent
Hope things improve soon
Kaz x:hugs:
Thankyou all for your kind replies and I do realise that you are all right, I hate being like this I really do, he didnt go today and I think it hurt me as much as it did him but he seemed to at least try to understand how I was feeling last night and has been fine and his usual good spirited self today which makes me feel meaner. His dad tried to explain to him last night how I was feeling and I ended up in tears, my husband is truely wonderful and really does seem to understand me, God knows how because I dont. I feel like im falling apart at the moment and added to everything else im sooo scared of flying and I have a 3 hr flight wednesday morning, the way i feel at the moment I might freak out :lac:
My son has 1 yr left at college and then its off to Uni, I know that this is going to happen and strangely enough im fine with it, maybe as I have another year before I fret lol, I will have had a year of him driving by then as he is about ready for his test, I did brave it and buy him a car but I trust him, i know that doesnt stop accidents obviously but its his friends I dont know that worry me as far as driving is concerned. I think to make matters worse my friends daughter was driving back in february, she had took 4 friends to McDonalds lunchtime at college, hit another car [seems like its her fault] and 1 of her friends was killed, now his parents would have thought he was safe at college that day, it breaks my heart, the driver was badly injured herself and has only just started physio to get her walking again [hopefully]. I know it doesnt mean the same will happen but i worry sick, I really am going to try, I promise x
now I have found this site I can talk it through with everyone each time I have to take another step into letting him grow, he is a wonderful Son and we are very very lucky, he could have lied to me and gone but he didnt.
Thanks again all x x x
Hi eljay
I sympathise with you because I have to kids and I'm always worrying about them. I know I have to let them experience life or it will have an adverse effect on them. I guess all we can do is to drum into them when young how important it is to keep yourself safe.
Tom
Hi eljay
I sympathise with you because I have to kids and I'm always worrying about them. I know I have to let them experience life or it will have an adverse effect on them. I guess all we can do is to drum into them when young how important it is to keep yourself safe.
Tom
I try that Tom but I hear him saying "I can look after myself" dreaded words to me as clearly he cant, what I mean is, against a gang or a knife then NO he cant and I worry that his words will lead him into a false sense of security if you see what I mean. Im glad beyond words that he hasnt inherited my stress and problems but to be too far the other way is also a concern, I cant win really can I :lac:
The thing is, no amount of worrying on our behalf will prevent anything bad happening! We know, deep down, that the reality isn't half as bad as how our minds see things. Media coverage of late has really worried a lot of people not just us anxious types. But, if you listen to the news, they would have you believe that the majority of teenagers will encounter violence every time they set foot outside the door which of course isn't true in reality.
My son goes into Birmingham most weekends to clubs/pubs and I DO worry about him. It also doesn't help that most times he will sleep over at a mates house so I never know whether he is safe until he rolls home the next day. I do ask him to text me but he mostly forgets (drunk probably :whistles:).
It's very, very hard but they must be allowed to live their own lives :D
Kate
jellybean43
01-08-08, 12:46
Hi
Awww hunny I could have written that post a few years ago. I fully understand how you feel . I dont generally post on this board(fellow HA sufferer although at the moment i am feeling sooo much better----long may it last!!!).
Anyhow, I just wanted to say I have 2 grown up kids. A daughter aged 24 and a son of 22. I feel i was very anxious about them when they were in their late teens.I was worried every time they got in a car with a mate-also whenever they went to town drinking. I was worse with my son, maybe cos he is a lad and they do seem to want to go out drinking more, or maybe cos he is the youngest. I used to lie awake at night worrying about him coming home from a night out and i used to try and stop him going. I did make myself very stress and mentally quite ill with it at times. I used to say a prayer that they would get home safely. I made him texted me when he was out and if i got no reply i would ring him and ring him til he answered(yes i know how terrible for him having his mum ring him on a night out when he was 18!!!) but that was just how i was. However, I used to make myself let him go. I know this isnt easy but i realised that i couldnt stop him and the more i did the more he just got angry with me(and so did his step dad, my OH).
Eventually, they both went off to Uni and again it was my son i worried the most about. He had a car from being 17 and i was in a constant state of worry over that. But, when he went to Uni i realised that i couldnt keep an hourly check on him(much i would have liked too).
When he was 20 he went to work over in CALIFORNIA for 10 weeks-----imagine my worry then. But, I never let him see how worried i was and just asked him to send me a short email or text each day so i knew he was ok. He drove all over the state(not him cos he wasnt old enough over there) but one of the other lads he went with. Some days they were on the road all day.
The worry i went through though was all a waste of time as he is fine, living in his own flat now which he has just bought, and with a lovely gf. I cant keep a check on him now as he is nearly 23 and i think his gf would be horrified if i rang every evening to see if he was home!!!!!
SSoooooooo just to say i do understand.
I meant to add i never worried about my daughter like this cos she has never been one for going out much. She did go off to Uni and found a BF there and never came back home. She stays in a lot and does her studies---my son on the other hand has always been one for being out with his mates.
I hope this helps---even if you can see that you are not alone with your worries xxx
Thankyou soooo much Jellybean, yes I do sound just like you, I have to say that on the odd occasion he has gone out to a pub he has text me a couple of times in the evening to say all was good, i realise he shouldnt have to do that but maybe if I start to let him go we could do that at first, ive only got another year before he is off to uni so i need to sort something out now or I will really fall apart when he leaves.
I only have 2 sons but it does annoy me when people say its worse with a daughter, statistically young men are much more likely to come to harm than a woman is so I dont see a difference.
Thanks again for your help, at least I know its possible to come through this the other side x
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