Miss Alissa
31-07-08, 11:13
Hi everybody
I sort of just wanted to write this down – and put it in writing so I can put it in perspective I guess. About a month and a half ago I finally got around to seeing my doctor and booking myself in for a smear test – which was quite overdue due to me having moved around for a nomad for a while – silly but still. In any case, I read a horror story in a woman’s magazine, got all worked up and went for it – but since then I have been suffering from such health anxiety – the last 6 weeks have just been awful and I feel I’ve just been wound so tightly. I am hyper-aware of every sensation, every lump, bump, freckle and bruise in my body and agonise/self-diagnose something terminal about 3 times a day – a different condition each day I might add! I’ve been to the doctors 5 times in a month about niggles I’d previously been fairly unbothered about – and every time I get reassured it’s like I look for something else to worry about. Like I’m convinced there has to be something wrong – I’ve made myself physically ill (terrible stomach upset, shooting pains all across body, increased ectopic heartbeats etc) and I just feel like it is a constant struggle to talk myself down from a state of internal panic. I sort of forget about things for a while but it never really leaves and I feel so preoccupied with it that I kind of feel distant. It’s like I read from another post just now – I feel like I can’t make plans or be happy about the future because I am sure there is something wrong – that I don’t deserve it somehow and that if anything is wrong it is because I ignored the ‘niggles’.
I have suffered from ALL sorts of anxiety my whole life but this is a new one – but it’s almost obsessive. I do recognise where it comes from – I just want to break the cycle.
A bit of background – I’m recently back from living abroad, found it hard to settle back in and find new job – I’m struggling financially and am back in a relationship which makes me happy but also slightly nervous (we split up before and it broke my heart so I am happy but wary!). I’ve only just found somewhere to live and will have to move again soon - my current job is temporary, poorly paid and a big step back –it also gives me a LOT of time to think. Basically I think I just feel pretty out-of-control at the moment and I’m trying to fixate on things I can make sense of – does that make any sense? Anyway –I’m aware that this is long – I just wanted to get it out. And to point out to myself – write it down – how many ‘illnesses’ I have worked myself up about in the last 6 weeks – cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, chlamydia, HIV, 6 suspected melanomas, a chronic fungal infection, lymphoma, 2 basal cell carcinomas, mouth cancer, glaucoma, brain tumour, bone cancer, leukaemia, breast cancer, some kind of serious nerve problem (shooting pains), bowel cancer. There are probably more – I went through something similar about a year and a half ago following the end of my previously mentioned relationship. I just wanted to share as I don’t really feel I can talk to anybody else about it. And putting things in writing always kind of helps me.
Thanks
A
I sort of just wanted to write this down – and put it in writing so I can put it in perspective I guess. About a month and a half ago I finally got around to seeing my doctor and booking myself in for a smear test – which was quite overdue due to me having moved around for a nomad for a while – silly but still. In any case, I read a horror story in a woman’s magazine, got all worked up and went for it – but since then I have been suffering from such health anxiety – the last 6 weeks have just been awful and I feel I’ve just been wound so tightly. I am hyper-aware of every sensation, every lump, bump, freckle and bruise in my body and agonise/self-diagnose something terminal about 3 times a day – a different condition each day I might add! I’ve been to the doctors 5 times in a month about niggles I’d previously been fairly unbothered about – and every time I get reassured it’s like I look for something else to worry about. Like I’m convinced there has to be something wrong – I’ve made myself physically ill (terrible stomach upset, shooting pains all across body, increased ectopic heartbeats etc) and I just feel like it is a constant struggle to talk myself down from a state of internal panic. I sort of forget about things for a while but it never really leaves and I feel so preoccupied with it that I kind of feel distant. It’s like I read from another post just now – I feel like I can’t make plans or be happy about the future because I am sure there is something wrong – that I don’t deserve it somehow and that if anything is wrong it is because I ignored the ‘niggles’.
I have suffered from ALL sorts of anxiety my whole life but this is a new one – but it’s almost obsessive. I do recognise where it comes from – I just want to break the cycle.
A bit of background – I’m recently back from living abroad, found it hard to settle back in and find new job – I’m struggling financially and am back in a relationship which makes me happy but also slightly nervous (we split up before and it broke my heart so I am happy but wary!). I’ve only just found somewhere to live and will have to move again soon - my current job is temporary, poorly paid and a big step back –it also gives me a LOT of time to think. Basically I think I just feel pretty out-of-control at the moment and I’m trying to fixate on things I can make sense of – does that make any sense? Anyway –I’m aware that this is long – I just wanted to get it out. And to point out to myself – write it down – how many ‘illnesses’ I have worked myself up about in the last 6 weeks – cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, chlamydia, HIV, 6 suspected melanomas, a chronic fungal infection, lymphoma, 2 basal cell carcinomas, mouth cancer, glaucoma, brain tumour, bone cancer, leukaemia, breast cancer, some kind of serious nerve problem (shooting pains), bowel cancer. There are probably more – I went through something similar about a year and a half ago following the end of my previously mentioned relationship. I just wanted to share as I don’t really feel I can talk to anybody else about it. And putting things in writing always kind of helps me.
Thanks
A