Getting it off my chest

[Miss Alissa]

Hi everybody

I sort of just wanted to write this down – and put it in writing so I can put it in perspective I guess. About a month and a half ago I finally got around to seeing my doctor and booking myself in for a smear test – which was quite overdue due to me having moved around for a nomad for a while – silly but still. In any case, I read a horror story in a woman’s magazine, got all worked up and went for it – but since then I have been suffering from such health anxiety – the last 6 weeks have just been awful and I feel I’ve just been wound so tightly. I am hyper-aware of every sensation, every lump, bump, freckle and bruise in my body and agonise/self-diagnose something terminal about 3 times a day – a different condition each day I might add! I’ve been to the doctors 5 times in a month about niggles I’d previously been fairly unbothered about – and every time I get reassured it’s like I look for something else to worry about. Like I’m convinced there has to be something wrong – I’ve made myself physically ill (terrible stomach upset, shooting pains all across body, increased ectopic heartbeats etc) and I just feel like it is a constant struggle to talk myself down from a state of internal panic. I sort of forget about things for a while but it never really leaves and I feel so preoccupied with it that I kind of feel distant. It’s like I read from another post just now – I feel like I can’t make plans or be happy about the future because I am sure there is something wrong – that I don’t deserve it somehow and that if anything is wrong it is because I ignored the ‘niggles’.

I have suffered from ALL sorts of anxiety my whole life but this is a new one – but it’s almost obsessive. I do recognise where it comes from – I just want to break the cycle.

A bit of background – I’m recently back from living abroad, found it hard to settle back in and find new job – I’m struggling financially and am back in a relationship which makes me happy but also slightly nervous (we split up before and it broke my heart so I am happy but wary!). I’ve only just found somewhere to live and will have to move again soon - my current job is temporary, poorly paid and a big step back –it also gives me a LOT of time to think. Basically I think I just feel pretty out-of-control at the moment and I’m trying to fixate on things I can make sense of – does that make any sense? Anyway –I’m aware that this is long – I just wanted to get it out. And to point out to myself – write it down – how many ‘illnesses’ I have worked myself up about in the last 6 weeks – cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, chlamydia, HIV, 6 suspected melanomas, a chronic fungal infection, lymphoma, 2 basal cell carcinomas, mouth cancer, glaucoma, brain tumour, bone cancer, leukaemia, breast cancer, some kind of serious nerve problem (shooting pains), bowel cancer. There are probably more – I went through something similar about a year and a half ago following the end of my previously mentioned relationship. I just wanted to share as I don’t really feel I can talk to anybody else about it. And putting things in writing always kind of helps me.

Thanks

A

[precious78]

Miss Alissa I relaly feel for you. It actually upset me slightly to read this as I really could have written this myself. The pattern is exactly the same as how it affected me. And I am pretty much the same as you on a daily basis. If you need to PM me please do.

"I feel like I can’t make plans or be happy about the future because I am sure there is something wrong – that I don’t deserve it somehow and that if anything is wrong it is because I ignored the ‘niggles’."

I feel exactly the same as this. Imagine getting married next month and not being able to enjoy the run up because of this. That is me at the moment. I can't relax and enjoy it because the fact that I 'have an illness' takes over the majority of my day. It's awful and I so desperatly want to feel better.

Thing is I know I have snapped out of this before but I can't seem to do it this time. I think it is because I am so tired. And while I feel tired I think there is something wrong. It's a vicious circle.

But if you read through your summary of events you will see why you're so anxious. And of course you're going to feel anxious when things didn't work out last time with your other half. But you need to try and put that aside otherwise you will spoil the second chance you both have. Perhaps can you talk you your other half about this? Get some reassurance?

The important thing to remember is that we cannot have all those illnesses at once.

[bouche12]

First post ever so bear with me!!

It was amazing to read both your posts as this is something that I struggle with on a daily basis - some days worse than others.
I too self diagnose everything under the sun, but mainly fear that some sort of cancer will creep up and be silently doing its stuff without me knowing.
Like you precious, I can't enjoy what should be happy events because I feel like illness will surely follow and overshadow. I got married 2 and a half years ago and remember feeling very similar to how you are feeling at the time.
Currently I am trying to fixate on creating a strong and healthy body at my counsellors suggestion. I try to eat really well and am going to the gym 4 days a week and doing yoga (which is slowly helping my mind) once a week. The physical activity also wears me out and I'm finding that I'm slowly sleeping better as well.

[precious78]

Hi there and welcome.

Everyone keeps telling me I will feel better ater the wedding but I don't think I will. I know that is negative but that is how I feel. It's so awful really. SOme days I am relaly excited about it and can put it to the front of my mind, but other times I can't msuter the energy and feel like I am ruining everything. I am so scared of panicing on the day or feeling really ill and ruining it for everyone.#

How are you doing now? Hvae your energy levels increased? I find that even light exercise wears me out so it is a vicious cycle.

[elitest]

I can say ditto to all 3 of you ! I drive my fiance bonkers with it ! Im trying anxiety therapy and exercise but I find the anxiety makes me very tired and where I used to be able to get up early and go for a run or something these days Im struggling to get out of bed...just gotta believe it WILL get better otherwise whats the point ? Good luck everyone, try and think positive thoughts it really does help.

[precious78]

Well that is reassurring to hear. Whilst it's not good you're suffering it's good to know it's not just me if you know what I mean.

My fiance gets really angry with me. Not angry nasty, but frustrated angry. He's the exact oposite of me though and laid back and doesn't complain (much) about his illnesses.

[bouche12]

Re: tiredness, Yes I do have a lot more energy now than when I started going to the gym. Before I was feeling weak and dizzy a lot (from my anxiety and the excess adrenalin) but I was motivated to push through it and do my workouts as everyone was telling me that it would definately help my anxiety. I can't say that I was a firm believer, but something kept me going and now I am enjoying at least 8 hrs sleep most nights (I was averaging around 4) and in turn am generally feeling less anxious.