I thought I was going mad

[kendo59]

Went to the doctors this morning. I usually have afternoon appointments, because I don't get off to sleep easily, and once I do fall asleep (usually around 4am) I then don't wake until noon (tried alarm clocks - I sleep through them).
Anyway, this week I had a 9:45 appointment, or so I thought. Made huge effort to wake early enough, took my meds & did some relaxation exercises to calm myself, then drove into town - so far so good.
No parking spaces left in the surgery car-park, all the last-minute emergency cases with no appointments have to be at the surgery for 9am and sit until they're called. So, 10 mins until my appointment, I'm sitting in the car with nowhere to park - feeling the panic/stress rising. Think calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, slow deep breaths. Get in control.
Then someone comes walking along the street carrying full tesco carrier bags of shopping, gets into their car and drives off, leaving a space for me to pull into. What is it with these F*** morons who use the surgery carpark while they do their shopping??? A few moments of rage.... then get under control again. Relief. 5 mins before my appointment. Still a bit stressed/anxious/shaky, but bearable.
I report to the receptionist... no record of my appointment. WHAT?????
Can feel my blood pressure rocketing, heart starting to race & start hyperventilating. Must... Keep... My... Cool.... A dialogue ensues, with me gripping the counter so hard my knuckles are turning white... I repeat my name... The receptionist condescendingly asks "Are you sure it was for today"?
Hmmm... now I start to panic... Eh? what? I am sure it was for today... wasn't it? Suddenly I feel as if I'm losing my marbles.
The receptionist says there is nothing on the system for me but I can sit and wait for an emergency slot to become free if I want, but there is a waiting list of emergency cases before me. I look around the waiting room, full of about 50 people, the background murmur of their chatter suddenly seems deafening.. white noise... screaming tots, I can't think, can't breathe, my head is spinning.... gotta get out.
I shut my eyes and take a couple of deep breathes, get control of myself.
Speak through clenched teeth, trying to regulate my breathing and slow my heart-rate, and think what I'm saying. I never thought multi-tasking trying to think and breathe and speak at the same time, could be so difficult, I just want to get out of there.
I manage to arrange an appointment for next week, working out that I have enough meds to cover me until then, and it seems like a long walk until I'm outside in fresh air and I can breathe properly.
I sit in the car for a few mins, shaking, pulling myself together, slow my breathing down, get calm before driving home.
Get home - safe. Relax. I find the appointment slip - it was for today. So much for the doctors appointment booking system. Toy with the idea of phoning up to complain. Nah, what's the point, why get even more stressed? Just wait for next week.

[woofytalk]

Well let me just commend you for explaining to everyone how to calm yourself down properly. GREAT JOB. As you know, it gets easier with practice.

The more you take that "water off a duck's back" mentality with stress, the easier it becomes to laugh it off.

You're a fine example of how to begin overcoming GAD. Thank you for your helpful post.

[marie1974]

hiya mate and wow that stressed me just reading that no wonder u were annoyed and panicked. i am abit like that i dont like driving much and and hate stuffy hot waiting rooms. im like u in the dentist i hate it. welldone though for controlling your panic and getting through it. hugs xx

[kendo59]

I find my 'relaxation technique' really works well for me, assuming I can think clearly enough to do it before totally losing control altogether. It's almost like a type of meditation or self-hypnosis.

When I feel the anxiety/stress/panic/rage starting to build, I just stop doing whatever I'm doing, shut my eyes, couple of deep breaths, block the source of the stress out, and focus on slowing my breathing and heart-rate. I pinch myself to break the focus away from the external stress, and start to focus on my internal body-signs... heart-rate, breathing, pulse, tension.... I picture in my mind a calm tranquil scene, of calm blue ocean gently lapping at a sandy shore, palm tree gently swaying in the cool summer evening breeze... count the waves gently lapping at the shore.... in and out... slow down...get my breathing under control... in rhythm with the waves... slower.. the tide is going out... the stress is floating away... the waves are getting smaller... each wave slightly further away than the last... in and out... beautiful sunset across the horizon... relax.... heart rate slowing... pulse becoming gentler... blood pressure lowering... I picture it... I see it... I feel it...

Eyes open, wide awake, feeling refreshed and calm. Everything is ok.

Like I say, the secret is to be aware enough of the 'signs', the feelings of build-up of stress/anxiety/panic/rage, and get it under control before it gets out of control.

I'm hoping to discuss with the doc about lowering my meds with a view to getting off them (but I'll keep enough in the medicine cupboard should I ever need them).

[diane07]

Good on you kendo for getting there in the first place,

i always find that when i'm angry my anxiety disappears, as for the idiot who parked in the surgery car park while they did there shopping, i would have exploded.
I found that when i was agoraphobic and didn't like waiting in the surgery, what i would do is when i phoned to make my appointment i explained to the receptionist that i was agoraphobic and if i was to struggle and had to stand outside, would she come and call me in for my app, they were so understanding and supportive, and because i knew at any time i could go and stand outside, i never panicked, hopefully if your docs is a good one maybe you could try it.

best wishes

di xx