Living Without One

[christiane]

Hi

For the past 8 months I have suffered from penis envy. Its has become so bad that I am finding it difficult to leave the house or even watch tv. It started 3months after my long term boy-friend left me. I thought we had a great loving relationship but one day I came home to find a note saying "sorry I cant do this anymore"
He had left me for another man!!!

In all that time I had no idea because he was a great lover and never showed any signs of being gay. He would always buy all the mens mags and crack jokes with his mates, like most men do. After he left I found lots of male gay porn and on our pc I he had been on various gay sites.

I became obsessed with looking at the sites and looking at the mags wondering why why why! Then when I was out I found myself staring at mens private areas.
Now all I want is a penis of my own!!!

Oh I know how strange that seems but I dont want to be a man but I cant help wondering "maybe if I had a penis" he would want me back. I made an appointment at my doctors but she just gave me soroxat for my anxiety and booked me in to see a psychologist but am not mad and I resent her thinking I am.

6 weeks a go I sent away for a strap on and would look at myself in the mirror. I would just stand there for hours looking at myself naked and I felt good. For the first time in nearly 7 months I smiled but at the same time I was crying. I cant tell my friends about this or my mum. My obsession has now got so bad that I own 5 strap ons and spend all my time looking at male gay porn. I have lost my job I have become isolated from family and friends and my credit cards bills are killing me.


I tried phoning a crisis helpline but each time I phoned a guy would answer and I hung up, feeling jealous because he had the one thing I didnt.

When will this end
when will I feel normal again
My friend who is on this site says people can help but I never told them what my obsession is.

Its got to the stage where I am thinking of having an operation but I still want to be a female. I am just so confused


christine

[diane07]

God love you,

That must be so difficult, i can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through, how long have you been split up for now?
Its such a difficult situation, and of course even if you had an op your ex probably still wouldn't want you back, even with a sex change you'd still deep down be female.

I suppose the saddest part is the fact that you have become fixated with why? sometimes in life these things happen and its a case of moving on with your life, easier said than done, its also sad that there are lots of guys out there that would adore you, you for you not to be or pretend to be someone else.

You must learn to love yourself, your ex wasn't the one, and it must be so hard to come to terms with the fact that he was gay and you never knew, i honestly don't know how i would deal with that, but please don't let it ruin your life.

i really do feel for you

di xx

[nickieb]

Hello Christine,

Darling you must stop beating yourself up about this. I for one cannot begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I have just sat here and read your post whilst drinking my coffee and i can honestly say that is the first time i have cried at reading a post on here. What your going through is complete hell and until you have been there i don't think anyone can begin to understand, but merely empathize.
Christine what you are experiencing i guess is kind of a coping mechanism of sort. Deep down you are completely brokenhearted and you feel disgusted with not just him but yourself yeah? But sweetie that's normal i should think.
As Di said so well that this fixation is the saddest part. However again its probably a way of trying to understand what has happened to you. You have certainly not done anything wrong and could not have in any way prevented this. I can almost guarantee that he loved you more than anything in the world and had fought the fact he was gay for years to prevent hurting you!!
Christine, you really do need some help i think darling, as i think that your obsession is spiraling out of control and i hope you don't think im being nasty there. But feeling as though you need to have surgery to change your gender is not going to help your problem. Nothing ever will as its something in your brain, and gender reconstruction will never be able to change/resolve that.
I hope that now having been incredibly brave to admit your problem you will go on to get fantastic help and support on here to ensure that you begin to get on the right track to accepting things. This site really does work wonders and i hope that it will helps you more than anyone.

Stay strong Christine & a massive hug to you!!

Nicola xxxx

[Tom_M]

Hi christiane

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. But you have to convince yourself that what happened is nothing to do with you what so ever. He probably knew he was gay from an early age, but tried to ignore it and have a straight relationship. I have a son who is now 21 but he told me that he knew he was gay in his early teens.
I'm not sure about your obsession with the penis . Maybe you are trying to rationalise why he choose a man to you, by seeing what he might see, in a naked man, by looking in the mirror at yourself? I'm sure you will get over it.

Tom

[milly jones]

just hugs

no advice except from my previous mates above.

i too think ur brave, but there will be some people on nmp who can identify with this, and be able to help u.

nmp is such a comfort to have.

love milly xxx