View Full Version : ANGER
Do many people suffer real pangs of anger? Anger at themselves, anger at being ill, anger where you want to rip something apart, just to release the frustrations?
I really don't know how to deal with these feelings. My stress/anxiety/depression leaves me hardly able to face going outside, I sit and brood about being out of work and the rejection from my son. The meds make me very forgetful & confused & clumsy & tired. I'm on my 3rd session of counselling, but it doesn't feel like it's helping with anything.
Things are not going very well with my partner. She has told me how she resents me "sitting around doing nothing". When she asks me how I'm feeling and I tell her "Not too good", it quickly turns into a competition of "Well, how do you think it is for me having to cope with all this?" Which makes me feel even more like a useless failure.
Someone asked me the other day, what would I do if my son did get in contact, and my first instinct was "I'd tell the little toe-rag to get stuffed". I don't know how I can even face him, after the way he has behaved. The hurt is still very raw.
I dunno if the counselling has tapped into something, as in my last session the therapist asked me what my feelings are, and I replied "Hurt, Frustration, Disappointment, Betrayal, Anger" and the more I think about things, the angrier I feel myself getting.
I really feel as if I'm getting worse and worse. I tried to make an appointment to see my GP only to be told that he's away for 2 months. I have an appointment next week with the "Back-to-Work" people from the DWP regarding my Incapacity Bens.
Everything just feels like it's piling on top of me, and I can feel a rage building up on a slow fuse, like I just want to lash out in pure anger & frustration.
Maybe I should go take my meds.
*Thinks to self: "calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean"*
Southern_Belle
09-08-08, 01:02
Hi Kendo,
I've had anxiety all my life, even as a child, so I don't really know what it is like to suddenly get anxiety and/or depression. I don't know if you have had yours all your life. Sometimes I think that if you have not had it all your life then you might grieve for the life you once had. Anger is one of the steps in grieving. Perhaps that is what you are going through. I myself get very angry at times at myself because I cause myself such grief to do what comes so naturally to others. I don't get angry at my family but I do get my feelings hurt because try as they might they just can't understand some days, but then again neither do I. That being said, I still hurt.
I do know that with therapy sometimes it gets worse before it gets better so hang in there. As for your doctor, don't they have one on-call while he is away? Good luck with your benefits and I wish you well. Try not to be hard on yourself, this stuff isn't easy.
Take care,
Laura
Counselling brings all the bad negative supressed feelings to the surface which is why counselling can at first make us feel worse. With time though these feelings should be realeased and then we are more able to come to terms and accept the things that have caused us so much hurt.
If bad feelings are left bottled without venting, they cause tension and anxiety. Releasing them should in time help to ease your anxiety but it does take time.
Try not to be impatient and try not to let others and events get to you. I know using a punchbag or pillow can help to release the anger! I used to get very frustrated and angry because anxiety made me feel so low so I used to punch cushions! I also found "walking away" and avoiding confrontation also helped me because if I stayed, I only made myself feel worse without getting anywhere. I don't get those feelings so much now but it's taken a long time.
You will get there with help so bear with it.
Belle, my depression/stress/anxiety only started at the beginning of this year, after a culmination of a particularly bad year last year (Full story: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=33423 ). Before that, I was always an outgoing, confident bloke, holding down a quite high-pressure job and I thrived on the stress. Which is maybe why I feel so frustrated and angry at myself; I hate being this way, and I'm angry at my son for his attitude toward me and 'his part in my downfall'. Literally, my life has fallen apart, all the plans my partner & I had made for getting married, working just another 5 years until the house was paid off, and taking early retirement, etc. Now we are at each others throats bickering most of the time & it looks as though I may lose the house and end up homeless.
Yeah, I can always see another GP at the group practice, but it means having to explain yet again to someone else what my 'problem' is.
Bill, the only feelings the counselling is bringing out in me is, what a waste of time it is. Me babbling on about the same old stuff I've had going around & around in my head for the last year, and I still can't make any sense of it. The only person who can tell me why my son refuses any contact with me, is my son. But he ain't talking, and so I sit here feeling tortured by it.
Hi kendo,
I can understand your frustration and your anger, there is nothing more frustrating than when everything seems out of our control, which your life has been for the past year.
In fairness to your partner I think it is difficult for someone who has not been through these things to understand how dramatically someones personality can change through no fault of their own.
I would continue with the counselling, you have only had three sessions so far and with all the losses you have experienced in the last year that would barely have scratched the surface.
Have faith and give it time you had a lot to contend with in a short space of time; give yourself time to adjust and be patient and kind to yourself.
Hugs to you
Lynnann
P.S I am known to smash plates when I get too wound up, just make sure they are dirty ones, saves on the washing up
I'm very angry, most of the time.
Not too helpful, anger. It can be helpful in rare cases but on the whole, another negative emotion along with despair, fear and hatred.
Circumstances are always different but can lead to a very familiar conclusion, brooding and inward thinking (as I found myslef doing in the past).
If I was ever going to offer a bit of advice, (advice, I never preach ;)) I would suggest that when you do find yourself immersed in all this negative thought, get up and do something, anything, paint the windows, do the dishes, if possible a walk (difficult I know if you don't feel like going outside), just do anything to distract yourself.
I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but it's amazing how the time goes when you get a little bit more active, and you may find you brood a little less. And on the plus side, you may get a small sense of achievement knowing that well ok, you felt terrible but you did do something.
Good luck
Jaco
hi kendo, yes u r right that only your son can tell you that, but mayb the counselling can help u to deal with not seeing him etc and giving u different coping methods and make u see things a little different. please keep at it cos once u got past the going over the same old stuff etc the counsellor will start to work with u and help u. anger is horrid i had/have it its supressed inside and sometimes my head feels like its going to explode, i get cluster migranes etc. hugs and stay strong xx
Granny Primark
09-08-08, 11:53
Anger is something ive never felt.
I feel baffled and very frustrated with what has happened to me and whats happened to what used to be my really close family.
My son says ive changed. In some ways thats very true. I now rely on others where as before I started with panic they always relied on me.
But deep down im still the same Lynn and the same mum.
I know exactly the hurt you are feeling by your son cus me and my hubby are also going thru the same hurt.
But at the end of the day we know weve been good parents and done the very best for our children. Thats the thing that gives me the strength to carry on and not feel the anger.
I had 6 counselling sessions and all I talked about and cried about was my son.
Im sorry to say that at the end of the counselling sessions I felt no better at all.
I write down my feelings then read them a few times then tear the paper up. This seems to help me.
My biggest worry is that I will never have my son in my life again. But sadly I think this will happen. Life is very short and im way past my sell by date. I would hate to die and not be able to hear my son say I love you mum.
I really hope you manage to sort out your problems with your son.
If ever you to need a whinge or just vent your feelings please feel free to contact me.
Kendo,
After what you've been through I'm not surprised you get these pangs of anger. People have different reactions to adversity and like you, mine is anger, so I understand what it's like.
Have you no idea why your son has turned on you? Is he your son by your ex-wife who died last year? If so - and I emphasise this is only a possibility that entered my head, I may be miles out - is it possible that on some irrational level he blames you for her death? That sort of thing is not uncommon. A few years ago my aunt died of cancer, and my grandmother became consumed with rage towards my aunt's widower.
Digging yourself out of a psychological hole is a long process and I know from experience that there are no quick fixes, so I won't ply you with platitudes. You definitely need contact with people who understand and sympathise and don't judge you. I've made a small number of good online friends on NMP, and while it's not the same as face-to-face contact, it has been a big help at times. Feel free to PM me.
Regards,
F
Thanks for all the replies.
Jaco45, I know you are right, but it's so difficult. I just feel so totally bewildered and upset at the way my son has cut me out of his life. I can't make any sense out of it. I did nothing to deserve it, I was always a good dad. My overriding emotions 99% of the time when I sit and brood (which I catch myself doing a lot) are a combination of despair/confusion/disappointment/helplessness/anger.. which in turn leads to deep depression & anxiety/stress. I sometimes can muster up the willpower to walk out into the garden, do some weeding,cut the grass, prune the hedge, which does take my mind off things.
Donna, I am so much hoping the counselling will help somehow. I fear my relationship with my partner may not survive otherwise.
GrannyPrimark, thanks for your words, it seems we do have a lot in common with our respective situations. I also feel the overwhelming despair/bewilderment/confusion as to why my son has turned his back on me in such an abrupt and hostile manner. Maybe the whole 'anger' side is a 'man thing', it's how we sometimes deal with feeling so frustrated & helpless. I dunno. I also have 6 counselling sessions (3 down & 3 to go) and although I'm trying to keep an open mind and hoping it will help in some way to give me a way to understand/cope with the situation, I'm afraid my experience of counselling may be the same as yours.
It's my son's 21st b'day soon, and then he'll be graduating from university. I was so much looking forward to being a part of that, to be able to put my arm around him, give him a hug, and tell him how proud I am... but I doubt he'll even want me there, which will widen the gulf between us even more.
Francis, yes, it was my son's mother who passed away last year. She & I split up when he was about 5, but we always lived nearby & always tried to keep a close civil relationship, spending birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, christmas, etc together as a family. He & I used to spend a lot of time together, every weekend when he was younger doing stuff - swimming, pictures, days out, go on ski holidays each year together, etc. I was always available to take his mum to/from hospital, often visitied her, was always just a phone call away if she needed anything, etc. I always thought my son & I had a great relationship. The way he has suddenly turned his back on me has left me completely stunned & bewildered. I've tried asking him, emailing him, explaining how hurt & upset this is making me, asking why is he being like this, what is going on... he refuses to acknowledge or reply to any messages, other than the time he stated that he doesn't want to see me and wants no contact. I have no idea why. I just wish he would talk to me, yell at me, call me all the names under the sun if that's how he felt... anything would be better than this callous indifferent silence.
I just noticed you mentioned he is 21 chap.
Well you know that's still young, and he probably needs to grow up some more.
I wager in the future he will miss his old man and wave the olive branch.
My old man used to knock me about when he was in one when I was a lad, but even after a fall out for a while, we are mates again (the moaning faced bugger).
Good luck chap, just give it time
Hi Kendo sorry 2 hear u feeling so low
I totally understand how u feel .....a few years ago I was a Deputy Manager of a Nursery after studying very hard at college in a relationship that was good and had money ........now few years on Im a single mom after 15year relationship ended working part time in a supermarket (unable 2 work at mo ) suffering anxiety panic attacks and agoraphobia and i get so angry and frustrated ..ive neva really been an angry person ..im a joker who likes a good laff but sometyms I get so angry I cud hit sumthing .....i had a disagreement with collegue at work and b4 id have been professional and calm ..yet i went in 2 rage like mad woman and was shoutin at her and everything ....thats just not me .
Do try and stick with the counselling as with out you knowin it might be helping ..i know thats sounds hard wen u still feel so crap but you have been through alot and your body has learnt how 2 feel anxious frustrated etc so its just got 2 learn something else . I have been off a month now and no further 4ward and get soo cross but as i had beakdown i suppose it will take me longer 2 get better .
I dont know the issues with your son m8 and it must be very hard but concentrate on you and nothing else may sound selfish but until you are better you cant sort other issues out .
I hope you are ok m8 and remember you arent on yr own any tym u need 2 let off steam about how u feel just message xx
Take care
Titch xxx
HI Kendo!
The only time I felt the kind of pure rage you describe has been when i am right down there in the throes of depression. Not through anxiety or panic which I developed later in life.
I dont know if this will help for the future but when i get angry now this phrase will come into my head... 'HARNASS THE ANGER". I genuinely cannot say how I learned to do this but its what i do now . If I get that angry I take the vast amount of energy produced and make it productive. For example when i was unemployed i used to get furious all the time and when i was furious thats when i did most of my phoning filling in applications searching the net and going the job centre ect. I knew the cause of the anger ands and used the energy of the anger towards finding a solution.
I appreciate this is far easier to do with things like jobs rather than relationships, but the same rules can apply.
I hope somehow things begin to work out for you
Pooh xx
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