View Full Version : Am I a Freak of Nature?
Forgive me, but I am not really too sure as to which forum to post this but being as it does cover Anxiety in general, here it is.
As a sufferer for about 40 years, I would say that now is the rock bottom! I have always had the little signs of an Anxiety 'victim' over the years such as the nausea, upset stomach, panicky what ifs, blotchy skin, etc etc. But now, for the past 6 months, I find I now have the lot all at once.
Some of you who know me, will be well aware that I live alone after my wife and stepson left me 8 years ago, something which I still can't believe or accept and move on from. Until recently she has been in contact with me on a regular basis such as calling or texting once a week. Now for some reason, she/they want nothing to do with me and the 'rejection' button has been pressed again. I have few friends, no family who keep in touch since my mothers death 6 years ago. Basically, my biggest fear of being alone has happened.
I cannot go out of an evening because of Agorophobia (although not severe, it is enough to inhibit a trip to the pub) incase I get ill. Every morning I awake with panic feelings and Hypochondria leading to having to take days of work because of upset stomach or nausea. My appetite is virtually non exsistent. My weight is down to about 9 stones (never been much anyway, but I was 10 1/2). I have to apply cortisone cream to areas of my face because it gets blotchy if I dont. My skin is very dry so I constantly need to apply moisturiser about 3 or 4 times a day. The other thing is I'm ashamed of my body. I have a sunken chest and is made to look worse by being skinny.
My point is, who would want me even if I could go out and meet someone? If I were an actor in a horror movie, I wouldn't need any make up! I am miserable most of the time because of my loneliness and loss.
I have so much love to give. I see beauty in all things. I adore children and animals. My phobias restrict me and keep me housebound.........a recluse in a world of pain and self torture. I find myself thinking........'have I done something wrong and i am now being punished'........I don't know.
I have faced the fact that I must be a 'freak of nature'.........hideous and unloved!
Thank you for reading. May God bless you.
Kevin.
Hi Kevin:hugs:
Your post left me in tears:weep:
You are not a freak or anything like it:lac:
You sound to me like a truly lovely guy:D
The thing is with this condition either you control it, or it controls you
Why not try a trip to the pub??? You can always leave if its too much but you never know you might enjoy it:yesyes:
Believe you me I know what you are going thru but try and live dont anticipate the anxiety:lac:
I was once housebound for 18 months now Im ok most of the time
Chin up and PM me if you like
Kaz x:hugs:
hiya horse, hope u well not seen u about for a while. you are way to hard on yourself hun and how u see yourself is not how others see you matey. try and face your fears as hard as they are and mayb counselling etc? i know its hard but u trully can get there. you sound lovely and there is a life waiting for u once u feel better, we are all here at nmp to support you. hugs xxx
Never Never think you are a freak Kevin because you are not,Even though I have never met you you seem very like myself.I have always been shy,introverted,insecure etc even though my parents loved me.My father died when I was 11 and this made it worse. I have had a domineering mother who loves me but try's to control me as I am an only child and she is alone now having not met anyone else after his death.
I was lucky to marry a lovely man who lived not far from me and who went to the same school.He has had a troubled childhood too after his mother told him she didn't love him and should not have had him. She hit him when he was small and has been a nightmare to him over the years,she told him he would never amount to much and took away his confidence.
He is a business developement manager now highly respected by his colleagues.he has friends who like him very much and I love him a great deal.He has a daughter with me and here is a man who was told he wouldn't amount to much,don't believe anything people tell you that pulls you down and don't pull yourself down.your wife and son will have their reasons for treating you this way but they are wrong and should try and see your point ofview. Take up a hobby or something,anything to take your mind off negative thinking as I suffer from anxiety terribly and my thought patterns can bring my panic attacks on.It's a shame you suffer from Agrophobia but try and get out of the house every day even for 10 minutes.it's amazing what a change of scenery can do.
We can't make people like or love us but that is the beauty of free will that all humans have,but it doesn't mean we have to go to peices over it it just means that they are not on our wavelength and are different to us.
I hope you soon feel better and don't forget you are NOT! A FREAK you are you an individual who is unique and who deserves a good life.
First off Kevin I have only read your top post.
Second I can really see where you are coming from.
Tonight I do not have the time to post the reply I would like to post , but I will post a response to yours tomorrow and if I only get time to post once it will be here.
I am new here and I guess they have a private message system so if my post hits on anything you want to talk about pm me. I am open and very honest and my forthcoming post will reflect that , until then hang on in there mate all the best. Gel
Once again there will always be someone on here who will answer and give words of comfort and support. If only we all lived in the same road!!!
Kazzie.
Please forgive me for bringing tears to your eyes. Maybe I should take up writing romantic novels. I thank you for your words and encouragement.
Donna.
Yes, I agree, I guess I do beat myself with the psychological stick too much.
Unfortunately, I have just finished a 10 week course of CBT only to discover that the therapist was not generally a CB therapist. Another waste of bloody time. Anyway, nice to get support from you as always.
Mothermac.
Your story although sad has given me hope and taken the edge off my sadness. I know there is always hope, it's just that sometimes this long and winding road is plagued by pain and cruelty on every corner. Thank you for your reply and kind words.
Ok, perhaps now I'm not so much of a freak.
Bye the way, anyone know where I can buy a three-sleeved sports jacket and a nice pair of size 27 (UK) brown shoes........preferably both left footed!
Gel.
Thanks for the post. I will look forward to hearing from you.
Kevin.
u r def NOT a freak hunny, u r lovely like all of us here and things will improve. i went through a faze of being scared to feel happy as i knew something would go wrong as usual, cos it usually does with me, but u cant think like that else u would be so negative all the time that only bad stuff would happen. set yourself tiny goals everyday, make a sticker chart and reward yourself a gold star for you acheivements, how ever silly they may seem. it will make u feel good. i know a few people who have done this.
stay strong kevin and keep trying with the cbt. huge hugs xxx
Hi Kevin
I was really sad to read your post and I know how difficult it is living with this condition. You really are not a freak and in your reply post I loved your sense of humour.
Have you considered doing something like dog walking for your local dogs home. You say you love animals and this would get you out and about. It is also amazing how many people talk to someone when they have a dog with them. Most dog homes rely heavily on volunteer walkers.
I think you need to tell yourself some positive thoughts. Don't concentrate on the points you are not happy with start working on the good ones. Like I am a kind person. I care about people. I have a great sense of humour. I have sparkly eyes/cute ears/nice fingers or whatever you can think of. Say these positive things to yourself as often as possible.
Remember that all of us think you are great.
Hi Kevin
this may sound like an odd suggestion but have you considered grief counselling. Sometimes grief comes very much from the living and the demise of a marriage can be just as traumatic as a death in terms of sense of loss and how you recover and move on from it.
Otherwise. I hope you find some peace
Take care
Pooh x
thevoicewithinme
11-08-08, 15:02
Like Kazzie (must be the name) I too was in tears reading your post...because it has so hit home with me. I too feel like a freak of nature, although I am not as you aren't either..but I do so much understand where you are coming from.
Like you, I cannot let go of the past and this is what has made me the way I am today. My ex was an evil man and even though I have done what I can to get him out of my life (changed mine and the kids names by deed poll being one of them) I still feel that he has a hold on me and I still feel so contaminated because of him.
I want so much to be the old me, to have my life back and I am fighting for that, but, at the same time I am finding it very scarey, which in turn makes me hide in my shell even more. Every night lately I have gone for a drive (with someone with me) and even ventured onto the main road for the first time in a couple of months, but I was so scared and tense the wholetime..but I did it. So if I (another agoraphobic) can face the main road...why dont you at least try..if just for five minutes...to go to that pub and have a drink eh??
Oh, and one other point...I don't know what you look like, but, I do know that being a woman I have learnt over the years that looks are so not important...it is the person inside who counts (yes I know you have heard it a thousand times before) but look at it this way....good looks eventually fade, but a good personality will stay forever.
Kaz
My dear friends.
Wow, it seems I have brought one or two tears to the eyes of members who have answered my post (and that's without them seeing my picture). My apologies. But I would like to say a big thank you to you all. Your replies and opinions and suggestions have all been taken to heart. If God had a refrigerator, I'm sure he'd have a picture of all of you on it!
Kevin.
Forgive me, but I am not really too sure as to which forum to post this but being as it does cover Anxiety in general, here it is.
As a sufferer for about 40 years, I would say that now is the rock bottom! I have always had the little signs of an Anxiety 'victim' over the years such as the nausea, upset stomach, panicky what ifs, blotchy skin, etc etc. But now, for the past 6 months, I find I now have the lot all at once.
Nothing Is Permanent.
No matter what we have in life ( good or bad ) nothing is permanent and nothing stays the same. There was a time when you had lower anxiety levels than you are experiencing now. A time when you never had ’the lot all at once’. Remember everything changes! At the moment you are on a ’low point’ and your stress levels and anxiety are high ( unfortunately ) remembering the times when things were not so bad as they are now is a worthwhile thing to do as anxiety ebbs and flows there will come a time when your anxiety levels will drop again. As I have said nothing stays the same. Ever.
Some of you who know me, will be well aware that I live alone after my wife and stepson left me 8 years ago, something which I still can't believe or accept and move on from. Until recently she has been in contact with me on a regular basis such as calling or texting once a week. Now for some reason, she/they want nothing to do with me and the 'rejection' button has been pressed again. I have few friends, no family who keep in touch since my mothers death 6 years ago. Basically, my biggest fear of being alone has happened.
Basically you are living alone now but that does not mean that will be the case in a year or so time , again things change. To me reading this the first thing I think of is why not call your Ex and ask her why the sudden lack of interest in staying in contact with you. Put it this way , you will never know until you ask it could be something small like a few problems her end at the moment. Ask and find out.
I cannot go out of an evening because of Agoraphobia (although not severe, it is enough to inhibit a trip to the pub) in case I get ill. Every morning I awake with panic feelings and Hypochondria leading to having to take days of work because of upset stomach or nausea. My appetite is virtually non existent. My weight is down to about 9 stones (never been much anyway, but I was 10 1/2). I have to apply cortisone cream to areas of my face because it gets blotchy if I don’t. My skin is very dry so I constantly need to apply moisturiser about 3 or 4 times a day. The other thing is I'm ashamed of my body. I have a sunken chest and is made to look worse by being skinny.
I suffer from that pain in the bum Agoraphobia and if you feel frightened or bothered by actually going into the pub in case you get ill , walk there anyway but just don’t bother going in. This at least will get you out and about a bit. If you feel okay when you get there then pop in , if you feel nervous when you get in leave and walk home again ( personally I would not even advise you to drink alcohol at all. I am 44 in just over a weeks time and I gave it up years ago ( around 9 years ago ) and I do not think anyone should drink while on any kind of medication or when depressed , after all alcohol is a depressant in itself. It actually makes people depressed ( and it dehydrates your body ) if you have dry skin ditch the booze and drink plenty of water you will get more out of that than a beer. Moisturisers are okay but over application with only clog pours and aggravate your skin!
Now concerning your weight and your body , okay your body may not be exactly how you want it , but who’s is.! I have a bit of a Buda belly going on if life was perfect I’d have a toned finally turned body but I was not born with one and I do not strive for one but it is all mine and I do have al of my limbs so I am reasonably happy with my lot. Again I am 44 so I cant expect to look like some male model with a body that looks chiselled out of marble.
Also bear this in mind would you rather be 9 stone or 39 stone I know id rather drop weight than gain shed loads of it making me morbidly obese.
My point is, who would want me even if I could go out and meet someone? If I were an actor in a horror movie, I wouldn't need any make up! I am miserable most of the time because of my loneliness and loss.
Have you ever thought of not going out but inviting some friends around to yours after all you have a place to yourself and you would not even need to go out , bell some mates get them to get some beers in , play so music and try to have a laugh! Play Poker one night at yours you have plenty of options there and all indoors. I have sometimes wondered myself about if my marriage failed who would want me after all.
I do not drink.
Do not do drugs.
Do not go to clubs.
And I am not a party animal , but then thinking about it I bet there are hundreds of women that would love to meet a bloke that is a family man. I bet some even pray for there husbands to forget beer ,football and pubs and start to live the family life.
You could be what the woman over the road is praying for but thinks these kind of men do not exist. We do.!!
I have so much love to give. I see beauty in all things. I adore children and animals. My phobias restrict me and keep me housebound.........a recluse in a world of pain and self torture. I find myself thinking........'have I done something wrong and i am now being punished'........I don't know.
I think this is just you beating yourself up because you are f**ked off with your life at the moment ( we all do this from time to time ) I know I have. No-one is out to get you , no person , no group , no god. You are just very hacked off at the moment. Put it this wat if Hitler could get a woman I think your chances are very good indeed. I do not think I am a wonderful catch but I bet plenty of woman would find traits in me they like.
I have faced the fact that I must be a 'freak of nature'.........hideous and unloved!
You know this is not the case but you wanted a reaction and reassurance. I’ll flog you two left shoes in brown without laces for 20 quid I could do with the money Kev , as I have not worked in years , nor do I claim. Let me know and I’ll get them from a charity shop and post them 2rnd class lol.
Thank you for reading. May God bless you.
Nice thought I hope he will.!
Okay Kev this took ages to type I hope it helps in some way here from you soon maybe as I am new here myself someone to chat online with on here would be cool.
Kevin.
P’s Kev I am 44 male and do not have one single solitary friend ( and I do mean not one! ) so you are already ahead of me in those areas.
Take care all the best Gel.
This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter
Wow that took me over an hour. :scared15:
Worth every minute if it helped in any way at all though. :hugs:
Blimey Gel.
That must have taken you ages.
I agree with what you say, there are some very valid points and statements.
You have probably felt it quite painful to write some of this and I am eternally grateful to you.
Take care mate.
Kevin.
awww kev and gel i bet there are loads of lovely ladies who would want to find a genuine and caring guy like yourselves, there are not many about you know and i am lucky i managed tofind one of them and he loves me so much i am so lucky. so dont give up cos us ladies want a caring man who is not the typical stereotype (caveman) lol, well u know. hugs xxxx
Donna.
I think I speak for Gel as well as myself.
How kind of you to say so. So let's see........there's your hubby, Gel and me!!!
Hang on a minute.........3 of us, 1 of you, I make that Pimms o'clock!!!
Kevin.
haha bless u, dont be so hard on yourself hun, cos i bet u lovely, u just gotta boost yr confidence. hugs xxxxxx
milly jones
14-08-08, 21:39
hey im a female form of the freak hunny
i do have a hb who doesnt undertsnad and i do have family, but until recenlty was so lonely.
i am ugly, have balding patches in my hair, have huge skin folds from loosing weight, basically a freak.
but then i found nmp
i made a good mate and loads virtual ones
im starting to get my confidence back.
im in no way attractive to blokes, but i can be a friend
so my advice to u. try and meet up with another nmper. support each other.
get confidence from each other. there is life out there hunny. but u have to work at finding it too.
please dont ever give up.
like donna says my outside would never have made me any mates, but my inside was what nmpers met first.
keep in touch hunny. there are loads lonely nmpers out there
hugs
milly xxxx
hey no one is ugly on this site hunny, u are lovely and geniine and caring, not ugly and its us folks here who are the low percentage rate of genuine nice people in this world, cos we are so caring and sensitive we suffer for it but we are all beautiful here all of u. :bighug1: heres to the princes and princesses of NMP lets not put ourselves down, cos we all special xxxxx
ps remember your hubby thought u were beautiful, your son thinks you are beautiful and we all do here xxxxx milly xxxxxx gel xxxxx horsexxxxx and me xxxx
If a person thinks themselves ugly and unlovable but someone gets to know them before they see their appearance, they will fall in love with the persons personality so that when eventually they do meet, the persons appearance will be unimportant because the other person will have grown to love the person for who they are regardless of what that person thinks of themselves.
So in other words, even if you can't get out, there are still ways of reaching out and finding love because there is always someone else thinking the same things of themselves so they will be attracted to someone who they think has a loving caring personality and who they feel understands them.
You're NOT married and living without love and affection because you feel trapped. You are a "free" single man who Should be loved because of your loving caring personality so it's just a case of reaching out because you're sure to find what you're looking for just as someone out there will find what they are looking for in YOU. The woman is out there just waiting for you to find them! :winks:
thevoicewithinme
15-08-08, 08:50
Is it this anxiety that makes us think we are ugly?? or our lack of self cofidence and low self esteem?? I see myself as one of the ugliest freaks of nature that ever walked the planet...but...in my heart of hearts I know that I am not.
Milly hun, you are so not ugly...remember I am one of the few that you have allowed to see your picture on MSN and I think you are a beautiful looking lady, I truly do.
Bill, what you said is also so very true. When we get to know someone, without ever having seen them i.e. on here or other websites...we get to know the true person...the person within...and that to me, as I am sure other people will agree is worth far much more. Knowing someone is a caring, loving, genuine person to me...is far more important than looks.
Horse, Donna is right...there are so many women out there who would want a man like you, so please don't give up...you never know who is around the next corner.
Kaz x
I feel anxiety can result from different causes so sometimes there is a link to low self esteem but not always.
A person could suffer from lack of confidence and then be overloaded with stress and pressures which could cause excessive anxiety but they may not suffer from low self esteem.
Another person could be belittled when they're young so they would grow up with an inferiority complex which would result in a low self esteem but would also create a lack of confidence so they too could suffer from anxiety if they are put under too much pressure.
Another person could feel very confident with no previous anxiety or self esteem problems until one day they suffer a major upset in their lives which could destroy their confidence causing a period of anxiety.
Anxiety can be caused in different ways too. It could be caused by work or home stress but it could also be caused by emotional stress due to mistreatment. These stresses then build up in our minds and if they're left unsorted, not released and kept bottled, they will create anger and frustration which could also lead to a depressed state together with an anxious state.
I feel that a lack of confidence will certainly cause anxiety because we doubt our decision making so we worry if we're doing right or not and I also feel that a lack of self esteem can also be a part but it probably isn't present in all cases because anxiety develops from a variety of different causes which is why there is no one "cure" that suits all.
Just my thoughts.:hugs:
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.