Update on Move

[Karen]

Hi All

I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks now and thought it was time for an update.

I am in my new flat but not really settled. I don't like being alone and when I am, I'm not able to cope.

I would like to send a big thank you to Stargazer who has been very patient with me and allows me to spend time with her and the girls when her time permits. Thanks hun :hugs:

Also thank you Nigel for coming back and rescuing me for a few days :hugs:

I am trying to get back on an even keel where my eating disorder is concerned because things have been difficult since my move. In fact I hate it here and am desperate to find somewhere else.

One positive is that I finally muddled through and moved my Forum (http://www.eatingdisordersupport.co.uk/forum/index.php) without losing any members, which is an achievement for me as I do the writing but I am not good at the technical side.

That meant I could start writing pages for the main Eating Disorder Support (http://www.eatingdisordersupport.co.uk) website. I have written the first three sections and I'm receiving help to get them online (as I don't know about the technical side :shrug: ) and there are plenty of new pages written and waiting to be added. So watch this space...

Karen x

[kazzie]

Hi Karen good to hear from you:hugs:

Glad the website is going well:yesyes:

Luv Kaz x x x:hugs:

[marie1974]

welldone karen im glad the website is a positive thing for you and taking your mind off things, im sorry u are not happy, mayb given alittle time u may feel more settles but i guess if u had bad vibes about the place before u moveds in then mayb another place may suit u more.

i hope u manage to find some happy time and stay postive. hugs to u xxx

[pooh]

HI KAren!

Sorry to hear that the move hasn't been working out so great but wow your website looks pretty amazing now. Good to hear from you

Pooh x

[jodie]

hiya karen

sorry the move has not gone so well but try give it time you might settle in time.
sounds like the new web site is doing good so well done for that at least it might be a distraction from all the other stuff
nice to hear from you

jodie :hugs:

[Lilith1980]

Hi Karen

Take it one day at a time hun, dont expect too much of yourself.

I think Donna is right, the website is a good thing for you to be focussing on so keep at it, you're going great :yesyes:

Jo xxxxx

[Piglet]

:hugs:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Karen,

Sorry you don't like your new place but in time it may grow on you. So glad your new forum is going well.

Take care,

Laura

[Karen]

Thanks for all the supportive replies :hugs: The housing association are doing an inspection this week and I feel hassled and I know there will be problems. I feel claustrophic here because the flat is too close to town, I cannot cope being on my own and it is on the first floor and my mobility problems make it hard to cope with getting up and down stairs. Mentally, emotionally and physically I cannot cope. I feel increasing depressed here. I need to get out before my 6 months is up but don't know how.

In the meantime I have been adding to my website and there is more to come.

Karen xx

[kazzie]

Hi Karen:)

Why not start looking now and find somewhere you will be happier with???

Just an idea:shrug:

Thinking of you

Kaz x x x:hugs:

[milly jones]

hi karen

glad to hear ur okish hunny

just remember there are loads ppl here rooting for u.

i may not reply all the time, but i do read ur posts hun.

hugs

milly xxxx

[Karen]

Thank you Milly and Kaz :hugs:

I'm feeling stressed. The housing association are carrying out an inspection on Wednesday. I've only been here 2 months and not even moved in officially that long. The only thing I've done wrong is installed Sky without consent but I need that now I don't go out that much.

I am looking for somewhere else to move to but it's hard finding the right place and I'm worried I won't be able to get out of my tenancy agreement before the 6 months is up.

Karen xx

[milly jones]

hugs xxx

[Karen]

I'm having a really bad day and a really bad time generally really :weep: But today I fell out with the friend who had been staying here and I think it's probably the end of our friendship.

There were faults on both sides but I'm blaming myself now (because I always do) and I'm self destructing because of it.

My life at the moment is very difficult anyway because I'm struggling with lots of issues and I haven't settled in my flat so that's added to my distress and led to my current deep depression.

I don't want to get up in the morning anymore. I wish the day would end at night and the morning would never come.

Karen xx

[marie1974]

im really sorry karen, i know u r not happy and i hope u manage to sort somethng out for u soon so u can pick yourself up abit and be happier. :bighug1: im sorry too about your friend i hope you 2 patch things up xx

[kazzie]

:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: Karen

Kaz x x x:hugs:

[Karen]

Thanks Donna. I don't think it can be resolved. The friend won't ever come back.

Thanks for the hugs Kaz.

I feel very depressed right now :weep:

Karen x

[milly jones]

hi karen hunny

remember we are all here hunny

we all want u to be happy

we all want to be ur friend

hugs

milly xxx

ps sorry ive nothing sensible to add hun

[Karen]

Thanks Milly :hugs:

[stargazer]

Remember this friend won't ever turn her back on you :hugs: no matter how distressed or cross or whatever I feel please remember that:hugs: I know the weekends are long for you honey because yes, it is my family time, if possible but you can always come here during the day, you know that even if I am not here just so you get out of your flat.:hugs:

[marie1974]

aww karen big hugs and u got a good friend in stargazer although she has a family to look after etc she is there for you too and that is a special friend hun. a true friend will never turn there back on there friend so whoever this friend is, if they are a good friend then it will be resolved. mayb u could both meet in the middle and forgive. hugs xxxx

[Karen]

Donna - Yes Stargazer is a really true friend and my longest and dearest friend and does what she can.

My other friendship seems beyond repair. It is probably my fault for 'being unreasonable' and maybe I was but it was all taken as being deliberate and to cause problems to him or to make him feel bad, when in actual fact it is all a result of my illness and I can't help it. Guess that's something else I have failed in. With the exception of Stargazer, when I get close to friends and spend time with people I end up driving them away. They cannot cope with me or my problems and this is the latest case. Another friendship lost.

I shouldn't have moved from my old flat. I feel scared here. I don't like it at all. I feel trapped and claustrophic. I want to get out but I am trapped - no money to find a deposit and month's advance rent on a new place. And one of the reasons it was so difficult for the friend staying here is that there was no room for us to have personal space but another is that he wouldn't commit to sharing and finding somewhere with a second bedroom or lounge that could be turned into a bedroom, so that the arrangment could work as before. I've messed it all up again.

Thanks Stargazer :hugs: I know I have a true friend in you and I appreciate all you do.

I know weekends are a family time for you so I tend to stay away in case I am interrupting anything or being a nuisance. I don't want to be a burden. But maybe I will come and just spend some time there even if you are out just to get away from this place for a while. You know how much I hate supermarkets but that's part of the reason I am driven to go there because I am too obsessed by the food (trying to look and resist - testing myself really which is stupid I know :wacko: ) but it is the one thing that focussing my attention entirely from this flat for a while, even though I want to avoid food at all costs. I know I am screwed up at the moment :wacko:

Feeling depressed and the bingeing and worries about my weight gain since being out of hospital and the fact that I am still using unhealthy and unhelpful food behaviours when distressed just makes the depression worse. I just want to sleep the day away to avoid dealing with it all.

I know you are busy but I do enjoy spending time with you and the girls when you have time because it gets me out and it is lovely spending time with children who just want to have fun. It takes me out of my mad eating disorder obsessed world for a while. Back here there is no distraction from it and now I feel unsafe since I am now alone since 'you know who' left and vowed never to return.

I'm not coping. I was driving home from, well I'd rather not say, and I saw someone who looked the spitting image of that psychiatrist from the EDU I was in earlier this year. I freaked, suffered a panic attack and was in tears for hours after I got home. Even now I am traumatised.

I don't feel safe here :weep:

Karen xx

[Karen]

I'm not having a good day. Not coping to well at the moment. I'm feeling really low :weep: Bought some drink today to try to block things out and I never drink - don't even like it. Just don't want to be here :weep:

Karen xx

[Karen]

Now I can't sleep again :weep: I never can when I am on my own now. How much more of this do I have to take? :weep:

Karen x

[Piglet]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Love Piglet :flowers:

[Karen]

Thanks for the hugs Piglet :hugs:

We never did make our summer meet up did we?

I've been sleeping for most of the day, trying to block everything out. I haven't eaten - had no food here and no money to get any and as it's Bank Holiday everything is shut. I can't say I'm upset about that as it means there is no way I can eat as there is no food to have.

Just had another Vodka - does anyone actually like this stuff??? :ohmy: I hate the taste but think I need more tonight as it didn't have the desired effect of knocking me out last night. I'm worried about the calories too.

Karen xx

[kazzie]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Karen

Im not encouraging you but vodka has very few calories in it:winks:

Hope things improve soon

Thinking of you

Luv Kaz x x x:hugs:

[Karen]

Thanks Kaz :hugs: That's a relief then. I suppose it's not too bad as I've not eaten all day.

Karen x

[Karen]

Well that wasn't supposed to happen - I threw up :blush: :ohmy:

Karen xx

[jo61]

Alcohol on an empty stomach tends to have that effect Karen. Try to eat something small today, particularly if you are having a few drinks.
:hugs:

[Piglet]

Think I'd knock the drinking on the head hun - it'll only add fuel to the fire!:unsure:

What you up to today?:hugs:

Piglet :flowers:

[lilibet]

:bighug1: Dear Karen

As it happens i tried vodka for the first time ever yesterday, and i can honestly say it was bloody dreadful. It burnt my throat so wont be trying it again!!! I shall stick to a nice glass of chardonnay.

Love lilibet x x x:noangel:

[Karen]

Thanks Jo:hugs: I'll try to remember that! The only trouble is that I don't want to eat. Drinking was part of my plan to be so out of it that I am incapable of going out bingeing anymore :wacko: Crazy I know but I got desperate.

Piglet :hugs: Not one of my better ideas I agree but now I've had it I've got to try to see if it works. Throwing up once hasn't been enough to put me off - yet. I mean, surely anyone can have more than a couple of drinks without throwing up?

Today I went for my second hypnotherapy session to try to help stop the bingeing. I was in such a state when I got there because these past few weeks really have been hell where that is concerned. I am at the end of my tether. I was virtually begging her to help me stop and regain some control back over food.

Anyway, she did a session to try to break the pattern and also gave me some affirmations to say every morning - which gave me an idea for some of my own :winks:

Had no food tonight and am trying the dreaded vodka again but slightly more diluted and with sugar free squash this time instead of juice as that was too sugary. I know it is my own fault if I throw up again :doh:

It could be because my measures were too big. Up until last night I had only had 3 drinks and half the bottle (small one) had gone :oopsie:

Lilibet - yes vodka does taste horrible I agree with you. Did you drink it neat? It only burnt my throat a bit but I did have it mixed.

So what alcoholic drink is nice and low in calories????

Karen xx

[bottleblond]

Karen

A few facts for you here love and i mean this with a load of respect to you.

1. Alcohol contains alot more sugar that most foods

2. Alcohol puts weight on faster

3. Alcohol makes problems worse (trust me)

4. Alcohol NEVER solves the problems

5. Alochol will make you unhealthy rather than healthy and without food sweety then it will be detrimental to you

i say these things because i have been there and i care


love Lisa
xxx

[Karen]

Thank you Lisa :hugs:

Well I definitely don't want more sugar or more weight :lac:

I guess I'm going to have to find another way of blocking life out then. I'm avoiding food at the moment. I've had enough of being the size I am now.

Karen x