Consant WORRY my partner is or will loose feelings for me..

[Bond]

What I have noticed is that in all my past personal relationships there was a problem. Not with the girl, but with me. I never had a problem attracting girls, even the ones I had set out to have. I never looked at my self as particularly good-looking but I always considered myself at the very least, average. We would meet, I would make her laugh tell her stories about my life, my hopes, dreams and ambitions and we were off. The dating would always go well and before I knew it we were official. Here is where it starts. Once the TITLE was bestowed upon us, something in me would change. I never noticed at first until my last two relationships. I would over-analyze everything she said and did. I had a belief that at any moment, her feelings for me would go away. She would no longer love me; she would find some else more appealing. Every action and word she did would be spliced and dissected to PROVE my point, “she’s losing feelings for me.”

At this point “she” would start to notice and tell me about it. But to no avail, this would only add credence “see you are losing feelings for me, because you’re complaining etc.” My worry and my panic became a self fulfilling prophecy. Because I was so worried about her loosing feelings for me, I actually caused it to happen. Now I had proof, which furthered my over-analyzing and feeling that I was right.

Can anyone out there relate to this? I am currently with a great girl now and we’ve only been together for a few months but unfortunately it has started again. She has already begun to voice her concerns about my over analyzing and over thinking and said it is causing her to detach her self from me. She says im not the same guy I was when we started dating and that “I have changed on her” I don’t know if it’s too late, but as of this moment we are still together and it seems like Im starting to get a hold of it somewhat, but I dont know..

Anyone experience this before? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Best,
B

[Anxious_gal]

i used to do that when i was younger, you cannot stop anyone from cheating or losing interest in you.
if you dont trust your parnter n your too clingy and controling your going to make them want to leave you. its not fun being with some that over analizes everything you do, you lose your sense of freedom,
i have been on both sides ! so i can see how i have pushed people away, i think you should buy a relationship book, i have found books helpful.

[Anxious_gal]

give her space ! dont call her too much, don't ask where shes been who she has talked to, why didnt she call you! dont make her the center of your world make her part of it,
, “see you are losing feelings for me, because you’re complaining etc.” to me i found find that to be a little emtional manipulation! your making the relationship stressfull for your lady,
sorry for being harsh, i'm sre your a great guy, you will lose her if you keep up the fear of losing her. you need to find some balance. for your own sake and hers.

[Hope 2]

hey B

Sounds to me like you don't truly believe you are worthy of 'the real thing' when it comes to love. You drive the girl away as you are sure she will dump you anyway sooner or later. Like u said, u r aware of this but can't help it. Maybe you need to learn to love yourself before u can trust someone and be truly happy. I can soooo relate to this. I am soon to get help for it, I hope.

Take Care
Julia xx

[Bond]

This is so hard for me because I don’t know what to do anymore.. This happens with every girl I date, and they eventually always leave me. Funny thing is that they leave me because “I suspect” of my Anxiety and constant need of the reassurance. Things with my girlfriend the past few days have been going pretty good, we had a long talk the other night and she told me, my over analyzing and negative thoughts about her are what’s making her think she’s not ready “for this.” She hasn’t really been in a long term relationship before so this is new to her also. But she does want to be with me and says “I don’t want to break up” but I can hear the uncertainty in her voice.

I have broken it down a bit and discovered a few things. The over analyzing begins when I don’t get constant reassurance. If there is a moment where she is not showing “care” in some form or another, I begin to over-analyze and begin to find “negatives” or inconsistencies in her actions. I splice and dissect everything she said did and begin to draw to the inevitable conclusion that she IS or Has lost feelings for me. At this point I begin to tell her what’s bothering me and then it actually starts to happen. Things of negativity that cross my mind are “she’s using me for money” (but I’m far from wealthy), “She’s only with me because she bored and there nothing better in her life right now”, “as soon as a more confident guy comes along, shell leave me”, “This wont last,” “I’m not even good-looking enough for her.”

But all these thoughts would never enter my mind if I received constant reassurance. If there is one slip up or change in pattern, routine then that is enough spark to get me thinking.

I’m so frustrated and engulfed with sadness I don’t know what to do, even though I am aware of the problem, I cant control it. I feel that I have somewhat, but I think “I’ve started to control my problem, this feels liberating, but she is still being inconsistent, that means this is not the problem and I was right about all those negatives I was thinking”:unsure:

[Franz]

What are your feelings towards your girlfriends? Do you feel angry or jealous, or just sad? Does it make a difference how attractive your girlfriends are? E.g. are your fears worse the better looking your girlfriend is?

Also, what is it you want from your relationships, apart from a lover? A companion, a parent? (I've read that there's a "parent-child" element to most romantic relationships.)

I suppose I'm struck by the fact that you say a lot about what your girlfriends might feel towards you, but not much about what your feelings are towards them. Is your love for them as strong as your fear that they might leave you?

I'm hardly an expert on relationships but when I've imagined myself in relationships, I've imagined feeling the way you do. If I don't get constant reassurance that people like me, I assume they dislike me. I know it's irrational and I have to fight it.

[Bond]

Hey Franz- Well my feelings are always strong for them. I mean would I be so paranoid and worried they will leave me If I didn’t care. All I really want is to be with someone I care for and have them love me back the same way in return.

Looks I thought played a large role in my feelings. But With my current girlfriend, its not that big a deal. What I mean is, she is attractive but not the most attractive girl I’ve dated. So this realization was that looks didn’t matter to me as mush as I had previously thought.

I think you asked some valid questions I never really bothered to ask myself about my feelings because I was so focused on how they felt for me I didn't listen to how I felt for them. Perhaps the fear of them leaving me is stronger then my feelings for them? maybe? but it doesn’t resolve this issue I have with ALL girlfriends. I feel hopeless to be honest, I don’t think this will go away. I always think the worst, "she with a guy, shes cheating on me," etc...

[Franz]

Bond,

Just some random thoughts which may not necessarily be applicable in your case; they just struck me as interesting:

To some extent I think there's a power balance in relationships. Although I think I would love to go out with someone really goodlooking, the fact is that because I'm only average-looking myself (if that!), I'd feel at a disadvantage. If I felt I had it in my power to make my girlfriend as jealous as she could make me, there'd be a balance of power and I'd feel more secure. I know these aren't nice emotions but I think they are there, to a greater or lesser extent, in many if not most relationships.

I remember with an ex-girlfriend, I felt "something was wrong" and was worried about her leaving me, to the extent that I almost /wanted/ her to leave me so that I'd get a bit of emotional stability back. Then a point came at which I realised, with shock, that although I fancied her and wanted to "keep" her for that reason, I didn't actually love her, and /that/ was why I felt she deserved someone "better" - someone who would love her.

Again, I'm not for a minute suggesting that this is the case with you, I'm just thinking about the many sources of sexual jealousy, which I've always found an interesting subject.

Anyway I hope you find a way through this.

Best wishes,

F

[Marcie]

I can absolutely relate to what you are saying. I'm 35 and have done this for years. In fact some people have commented that I push and push because I 'seem to want the person to tell me to **** off'. I don't think I do, I think it's because I think they aren't telling me how they really feel about me (ie that they don't really like me).

A lot of it is caught up in self-esteem, and a fear of abandonment/rejection. I had some therapy a while back (not specifically for this), and I was told not to contact the person when I felt anxious that they were pulling away. To sit with my anxiety, however bad it gets. I would say I am less clingy now definitely - that behaviour tends to kick in when I the guy I am seeing is unreliable (and I have a habit of seeing unreliable, inconsistent men who distance). I'm fine when they are treating me with respect/doing what they say they will do.

This is my problem EXACTLY! I am going through some terrible anxiety as I type this. I can't seem to make it stop. I always choose the guys who are unreliable as well...of course they are not at first so I can't tell until it's too late.

I'm new here from the USA and would love to hear others opinions/thoughts/stories on this topic.

[welovesalc]

I have the same feelings. I constantly worry my OH is getting bored/sick of me and will leave me as soon as something better comes along. I am fine if she is telling me how much she loves me, or is showing me in someway, but as soon as i see her behaviour changing I'm like, oh yes she doesnt want to be with me anymore and i get all needy and clingy. she is going out tonight and im staying in with my anxiety for company. I've also been advised not to contact when i feel anxious, to just allow the thoughts and try to challenge them, but to not contact her. Its hard, but i do think it works. if you start to show your concerns there is always an element of power i think, in a strange way i think the more i show how how worried i am when she goes out the more enjoyment she gets from it??

[Marcie]

Unfortunately because of this problem, I keep breaking off the relationship because I can't handle the hurt that I go through when he doesn't call or doesn't show me that he cares. I think I just need to find someone who actually DOES care and can be very understanding of this.

I don't know...I just ended my relationship not even a week ago. I called to try to explain further but now he won't return my call. Of course this makes me even more anxious. It's a vicious cycle. I will not contact him again even though I'm starting to have obsessive thoughts about it. I literally feel sick about it.:sad: