Hope 2
12-08-08, 15:33
Hello All
Why can our families affect our emotional well being even when we are adults. My mum has always described me as over sensitive. She is as hard as nails although is more mellow than she was. When it counted she wasn't there for me. I was a clingy child who adored my mum. She pushed me to do things I was terrified of, 'for my own good'. This made me feel like no one cared how I felt cos I had no choice in the matter. This applied to everything really. What I ate, what I wore, how I spoke, what I watched etc. If she were to read this thread she would totally dismiss it and say how silly/dramatic I was and make me feel like 2 inch tall. My mother was and is a control freak. My feelings didn't count at all. It was 'her way or the highway' with no middle ground.
When I was 10 years old a lot of things happened to me within my home, at school and among my peer group. At this time, my mum began to be more cold than ever towards me. I began to rebel as I was hurt. That's when the violence began, something to this day she denies. It is fair to say a great deal of heavy stuff occured all at once. This is when I can now recognise, I began to have anxiety probs. I am trying to keep this on the 'mother issues' for now. I would like to share the following if that's ok.
When the Falklands war was happening, me and my brother where constantly warned ...... 'there is gonna be a world war, I am telling you'. She would make flippant remarks about 'putting a thick metal door on the cellar' ...... ready for the nuclear bomb.....that was gonna wipe us out anyway. Another remark was......'you will be okay, you will last at least 2 weeks' (cos I was chubby by then). This is when I remember feeling scared, really scared. I slept next to my window and I would lay in bed every night for months, waiting for the white flash that was gonna fry me and my family alive. I can feel it now. The nausea. The terror. This is one of the 'easier' memories to share. I am terrified people will agree with me that I should just get over it and there are many worse off than me. I know this already, and that's why I have never shared any of the things that plague me cos I am ashamed for letting these memories affect me. I always had things 'going on' deep down, but held them in on the whole. When I was pregnant with my little girl, the nausea returned and OCD took over.
Those of you who know me will be aware that I am nearly over the ocd. But I am left with 'The Past'. It won't go away. I am going for an assessment tomorrow in the hope I will be offered some counselling for these issues. I think cos I have no feelings for myself much, this is why I have always felt unworthy of help/love.
Blimey, sorry :ohmy: . I feel a sense of achievement just by writing this down publicly. Also a sense of disloyalty to my 'family'.
Thank You
Julia xx
I just feel like damaged goods, I wanna repair. Do you think I can, even now????
Why can our families affect our emotional well being even when we are adults. My mum has always described me as over sensitive. She is as hard as nails although is more mellow than she was. When it counted she wasn't there for me. I was a clingy child who adored my mum. She pushed me to do things I was terrified of, 'for my own good'. This made me feel like no one cared how I felt cos I had no choice in the matter. This applied to everything really. What I ate, what I wore, how I spoke, what I watched etc. If she were to read this thread she would totally dismiss it and say how silly/dramatic I was and make me feel like 2 inch tall. My mother was and is a control freak. My feelings didn't count at all. It was 'her way or the highway' with no middle ground.
When I was 10 years old a lot of things happened to me within my home, at school and among my peer group. At this time, my mum began to be more cold than ever towards me. I began to rebel as I was hurt. That's when the violence began, something to this day she denies. It is fair to say a great deal of heavy stuff occured all at once. This is when I can now recognise, I began to have anxiety probs. I am trying to keep this on the 'mother issues' for now. I would like to share the following if that's ok.
When the Falklands war was happening, me and my brother where constantly warned ...... 'there is gonna be a world war, I am telling you'. She would make flippant remarks about 'putting a thick metal door on the cellar' ...... ready for the nuclear bomb.....that was gonna wipe us out anyway. Another remark was......'you will be okay, you will last at least 2 weeks' (cos I was chubby by then). This is when I remember feeling scared, really scared. I slept next to my window and I would lay in bed every night for months, waiting for the white flash that was gonna fry me and my family alive. I can feel it now. The nausea. The terror. This is one of the 'easier' memories to share. I am terrified people will agree with me that I should just get over it and there are many worse off than me. I know this already, and that's why I have never shared any of the things that plague me cos I am ashamed for letting these memories affect me. I always had things 'going on' deep down, but held them in on the whole. When I was pregnant with my little girl, the nausea returned and OCD took over.
Those of you who know me will be aware that I am nearly over the ocd. But I am left with 'The Past'. It won't go away. I am going for an assessment tomorrow in the hope I will be offered some counselling for these issues. I think cos I have no feelings for myself much, this is why I have always felt unworthy of help/love.
Blimey, sorry :ohmy: . I feel a sense of achievement just by writing this down publicly. Also a sense of disloyalty to my 'family'.
Thank You
Julia xx
I just feel like damaged goods, I wanna repair. Do you think I can, even now????