Control

[Hope 2]

Hello All

Why can our families affect our emotional well being even when we are adults. My mum has always described me as over sensitive. She is as hard as nails although is more mellow than she was. When it counted she wasn't there for me. I was a clingy child who adored my mum. She pushed me to do things I was terrified of, 'for my own good'. This made me feel like no one cared how I felt cos I had no choice in the matter. This applied to everything really. What I ate, what I wore, how I spoke, what I watched etc. If she were to read this thread she would totally dismiss it and say how silly/dramatic I was and make me feel like 2 inch tall. My mother was and is a control freak. My feelings didn't count at all. It was 'her way or the highway' with no middle ground.


When I was 10 years old a lot of things happened to me within my home, at school and among my peer group. At this time, my mum began to be more cold than ever towards me. I began to rebel as I was hurt. That's when the violence began, something to this day she denies. It is fair to say a great deal of heavy stuff occured all at once. This is when I can now recognise, I began to have anxiety probs. I am trying to keep this on the 'mother issues' for now. I would like to share the following if that's ok.

When the Falklands war was happening, me and my brother where constantly warned ...... 'there is gonna be a world war, I am telling you'. She would make flippant remarks about 'putting a thick metal door on the cellar' ...... ready for the nuclear bomb.....that was gonna wipe us out anyway. Another remark was......'you will be okay, you will last at least 2 weeks' (cos I was chubby by then). This is when I remember feeling scared, really scared. I slept next to my window and I would lay in bed every night for months, waiting for the white flash that was gonna fry me and my family alive. I can feel it now. The nausea. The terror. This is one of the 'easier' memories to share. I am terrified people will agree with me that I should just get over it and there are many worse off than me. I know this already, and that's why I have never shared any of the things that plague me cos I am ashamed for letting these memories affect me. I always had things 'going on' deep down, but held them in on the whole. When I was pregnant with my little girl, the nausea returned and OCD took over.

Those of you who know me will be aware that I am nearly over the ocd. But I am left with 'The Past'. It won't go away. I am going for an assessment tomorrow in the hope I will be offered some counselling for these issues. I think cos I have no feelings for myself much, this is why I have always felt unworthy of help/love.

Blimey, sorry :ohmy: . I feel a sense of achievement just by writing this down publicly. Also a sense of disloyalty to my 'family'.

Thank You
Julia xx

I just feel like damaged goods, I wanna repair. Do you think I can, even now????

[Veronica H]

Hi Julia
Sadly we cannot choose our parents. I understand totally how you are feeling. I had some counselling 2 years ago for childhood issues and it helped just to talk about it. I found that until I was able to get that hurt out I really was still my parents daughter even though I had been married for 17 years and had a teenage son. Even though I came across as quite capable to others I had very low self esteem. Like you I was determined to be strong and not to be like my parents or to make the mistakes they made. The result was that I was not being myself but constantly anxious and on guard, just burning myself out. It takes courage to face the past. You are not being disloyal in any way. Whatever your mother's reasons for behaving the way she did, we both know that this was a dreadful way to treat you both.
Best wishes in your recovery
Veronica H

[Hope 2]

Just to add, can anyone relate to feeling like a nothing as a child?
My mother sometimes referred to me as 'it' when she was talking about me. But not my brother. He was blue eyed boy although she beat him often.

A normal family to the outside world.

I felt more part of other people's families than my own. I felt an outsider, an irritant.

[Hope 2]

Hi Veronica

We must have posted at same time :D .

Thank you so much for not making me feel pathetic. To agree that her behaviour was wrong, helps, enormously, thank u :weep: xx

So kind of u and I feel encouraged about the counselling.
Julia xx

[Hope 2]

Veronica, I also relate to the way we put on an act to hide how we feel. The 'masks' we adopt, another thread for another day eh. Failure was expected from my brother. Failure for me was not an option, I was the one who must suceed. I think now, to make her look good. When I graduated, they didn't come, "We knew you could do it anyway"........... nothing I ever do is good enough.

Enough said
Julia xx

[marie1974]

hiya matey well u know my story and u know we have aot in common and u a good friend of mine and i can tell u anything. well u can too and welldone for starting to open up on here cos it does make u feel better after especially when u get such good advice and support. you are not being disloyal to your family mate but i know where u are coming from cos i am in the same boat, we can sail together hun and help each other. let me know how u get on tommorow and mayb we chat later. hugs and you really will be ok hun, promise. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kendo59]

Just to add, can anyone relate to feeling like a nothing as a child?
My mother sometimes referred to me as 'it' when she was talking about me. But not my brother. He was blue eyed boy although she beat him often.

A normal family to the outside world.

I felt more part of other people's families than my own. I felt an outsider, an irritant.



Have you ever read the book "A Child Called It", by Dave Pelzer?
Absolutely heartbreaking true story.
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[jodie]

hiya

i am so sorry for the things that have happend to you it is so sad that your mum can say such things and make you feel the way you did , i can understand how you feel that you will have this with you for the rest of your life but i think if you get the help you need you might be able to put this behind you and move on with all that happend to you but in a place you feel wont make you upset or affect your life in such a huge way.
i know one thing i bet it has made you such a good mum you will know what not to do for sure .
i do hope you find peace with all this .
:bighug1:

jodie xxx

[jesse08]

Hi Jules
First, well done on finding the courage to post this thread. Just writing stuff down can be cathartic and make us feel a bit less burdened by something. Reading all the replies, no-one is judging you or seeing you as disloyal. Someone has said we don't choose our families, and taking that further, there is an old saying that "we choose our friends but not our families".

Many people seem to have had their thoughts and feelings invalidated as children. It causes so much damge doesn't it? The counselling will help you come to terms with what you grow up with/how you grew up and to realise you don't have to buy into that anymore i.e. you aren't what your mother said you "are". You are not an "it" and you have the right to believe in what you choose to believe in. Someone suggested the Dave Peltzer book which is incredible reading. He is a real survivor and I think you are.

Keep posting if you can because lots of people on here will understand and identify with what you're going through. Meanwhile love and hugs from me xx

[Hope 2]

Hi Folks :flowers:

Jodie, thanks for yr empathy and kind words. You r right in that I know how important it is to ensure my child feels loved. Hope you are doing okay hun xx

Jesse, how lovely are you to me, I am stuck for words to say how thankful I am. I wish I could help you like you help me, sorry my friend, but I am here for you anyway !! xx

Kendo, thanks for yr reply, and yes, I have read Dave Pelzer's book, and his others too. Although I can't bring myself to finish the last one for some strange reason :wacko: .

Love Julia xx