Anxiety and Relationships

[angoisse]

Hello!

This is my first post, other than the one introducing me, evidently. In short, I’m a sufferer of GAD, Health Anxiety and Emetophobia, and am curious, for those of you living with a significant other, how does your anxiety issues affect your relationship? My partner is very supportive, yet I can’t help but feel guilty, bad, weak and irritating every time I bring up my obsessive worries. Sexually speaking, things tend to suffer when my anxiety gets worse, and I end up blaming myself for the majority of the problems we suffer as a couple. We love each other dearly, and our relationship is a healthy one, but at times I feel as though my anxiety is weighing us down and making things impossible.

Recently I stopped talking to my partner about my anxiety issues in hopes that keeping things to myself, and utilizing this website as a tool and outlet for my emotions and anxious thoughts (as well as a way to feel good about helping others who are experiencing similar feelings) might take the pressure away from our relationship. We discussed it last night and she explained to me that she feels a distance between us since I’ve stopped discussing my anxiety issues with her. She feels as though she is detached from an (unfortunately) large part of my life. I like being able to open up to her but at the same time I feel guilty for bombarding her with complaints.

Does anyone know what this is like? Any advice? In other words, HELP!

Thanks for listening,

angoisse

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Angoisse,

You have a great partner who wants to be there for you and share the good and the bad. I think what she is saying to you is tell her how you are feeling no matter what it is, apparently it isn't bothering her like you think it is and that is natural because most of us with anxiety worry about everything. You could tell her that too! It does seem that you do have a healthy relationship and for that you are very lucky. I would take advantage of it and let her help you all she can.

Take care,

Laura

[angoisse]

Thanks for your response, Laura, and I think you are right, however I guess I should have mentioned that my partner has told me in the past that, although she does want to be supportive, my acute days tend to be too much to handle at times. So she explained that she doesn't really know what is better for her, me, and our couple, since one way or another, she (and I) end up feeling bad (meaning if I confide in her or don't about the anxiety). Maybe that will be a little clearer.

[Southern_Belle]

I see, hmmm, you can't win for losing can you? I know in my marriage it took years for hubby to understand my anxiety. It did help that I already had it when he met me as I've had it since childhood. There were times though when I think he wanted to trade me in for a new model.:blush: I still seem to have brakes on my side of the car when he is driving!!!

I think you just have to have open communication with her and just ask how much is too much? You can't read her mind. On your really acute days instead of going to her go to our chatroom or forum. Of course, you can come here all the time, but especially at those times.:)

It is impossible for those who do not have anxiety or depression to fully comprehend what we are dealing with. My hubby does not worry about a thing and I can't fathom it, but then again he can't understand why I worry about the things I do either. It takes time, but a meeting of the minds can be met, you just have to give and take a little, but both have to be willing to do it. I hope this helps.

Take care,

Laura

[kendo59]

Women, eh? Ya can't live with 'em, and ya can't chop 'em up & bury them under the patio. :winks:

Have you read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?

Seriously though, I'm going through exactly the same with my other half. I try to talk to her and tell her how bad I feel, and she takes it as a personal insult that she's not making me happy, I get even more stressed, and we end up arguing. I keep my feelings to myself and try to work my problems out without involving her, and she tells me that "we don't talk anymore" and we end up arguing. Sometimes ya just can't win.

We usually end up making up though.

I found what helped, was writing her an email; with a few articles explaining the symptoms of stress/depression, and the side-effects of meds, and how they can affect behaviour & relationships. I think she has a much better understanding now that when I get stressed/snappy/irritable, etc that it's not with her, and that I need her to be aware of my mood swings and to just cut me a bit of slack to help me calm down.

[angoisse]

hehehe Thanks for your reply, kendo59. I haven't read that book, no, but, being a female, I should feel as though my partner and I come from the same planet, no?

We women are complicated ;)

Thank you for your response and understanding. It really does help to know it's not just me!

[Lilith1980]

Hi Angoisse, welcome to NMP :)

My partner and I have gone through some tough times due to my anxiety. I used to be incredibly insecure and we had so many rows - because I held things in and then something totally insignificant would cause me to blow up at him.

I think communication is the key, your partner sounds very supportive but its understandable that at times, it will be hard for her to cope with. Its not like a broken arm, where you can see what the problem is.

Have you had counselling? I made the step of going for counselling early this year and it really started me on my path to recovery. Then me and my partner went for relationship counselling because communication had broken down quite a bit. And I think we are the happiest and closest we have been.

It will be hard work, for both of you, but if you stick at it, it will be worth it in the end :hugs:

Jo xxxxx

[angoisse]

Hi Jo,

Thanks for the welcome! I have gone through therapy. I did CBT for 8 months and was getting along very well for the last little bit of it, but my anxiety has been getting increasingly worse since the beginning of summer. Though its a lot better than it was in the past, I fear its going to work its way back into our relationship--hence the lack of sharing anxiety-related feelings. Ultimately she knows its still there because I don't seem to be "all there" if you will, but doesn't know what my specific current worries are.

In regards to couple's therapy-- I'm with you on that one. I really feel like that could take us to a new level of happiness together. We, aside from all of this, have great communication and are a very well-functioning pair. It's really when my anxiety that is involve that I tend to censor myself (and we even talk about the fact that there is a lack of communication. We are both aware that we need to figure out a "happy medium").

Since the CBT treatment has not helped a lot of aspects of my underlying problems, I'm considering taking medication; something I was really uncomfortable with before, but am becoming more and more intrigued by as my anxiety becomes less and less tolerable. Interestingly, it's my partner I keep in mind the most when trying to figure out ways to feel better, because ultimately I put her happiness before my own and the way I am most of the time definitely does not make her happy. *sigh*

Maybe I'm just overanalyzing this whole thing...I just really get worried that she's going to get fed up with all of this eventually and leave.

[kendo59]

hehehe Thanks for your reply, kendo59. I haven't read that book, no, but, being a female, I should feel as though my partner and I come from the same planet, no?

We women are complicated ;)



Ya see? THAT's where you're going wrong. Once you understand that Men & Women ARE from different planets, everything else falls nicely into place. ;)

You really should read the book, it gives a great (and humourous) understanding of the different ways men & women think.

An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.
He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution.
This has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues in order to find a solution. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man pulling away as the woman tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

( I've lost count of the times my partner has wanted to talk about a problem, and I've listened and then told her the solution. End of problem, right? Oooooh Nooo No nooo.... y'see, she doesn't actually want the solution to her problem. What she really wants is to talk for hours about the problem. That's why women love to natter for hours to each other, and men just want to fix the problem and get on with something else).

[samc100]

I know how you feel.
My OH once knew a bright, giggly, funny, daring, vibrant girl and now he's got me ( and mortgage, a ginger cat, a toddler and baby due any moment and given up his sports car for another baby seat).

It breaks my heart to think of all the stuff I have put him through. I can't even say if I'd have stuck with him if the tables had been turned and it was him who had the breakdown.
My OH doesn't do emotion and can't understand anixety or panic but bless him - he's really tried and been there for me. I keep thinking he'll leave me or have sex with someone cos' when on meds my sex drive is nil and at 8 months pregnant my sex drive is nil.

But you have to communicate. We tend to lay on the bed and cuddle and just chat about it. I'll cry and he'sll say something that doesn't help at all but at least we keep each other in the picture. I tell him about the therapy I have and other ways I use to keep myself in check.

It is sooo hard and I feel I have ruined his life. He could be having fun. Instead he's got me. Love is a funny thing and I just hope that if we keep investing in our relationship it will be ok.

[nursey4]

Wow, Sam, hun, your post sounded so sad. I'm sure you have a lot to offer your hubby or he wouldn't still be with you. Just because you have an anxiety disorder doesn't mean you aren't worth loving anymore.
I can relate though because when my husband met me, I was traveling the world and there was nothing I wouldn't do. I have always felt a certain sadness or emptiness but I was a much, much different person. He still loves me despite all my craziness, and honestly I sometimes have no idea why!
I know what you mean about if the tables were turned as well. I'm not 100% sure that I could have stayed with him if he were the one restricting my life as I am restricting his.
Take care ~:)

[samc100]

Nursery4 - I was crying when I typed my post, that will be why I sounded sad ! :)

It does all sound negative which is not fair because there is alot of laughter in our house and love. But just like you I feel the restrictions my anxiety imposes on us as a family and I really try hard to move those restrictions back bit my bit but it is so hard.

I'm glad you know where I am coming from cos' that makes me feel less of muppet xxxxx Thanks for you post xxxxx