Peters friend
16-08-08, 22:06
I will try to make this as short as possible, although i know this will be longer than most want to read through (sorry)...I am a friend and provide one to one support to a 30yr old man who has been diagnosed with GAD about a year ago. Over the past 11 years he suffered from anxiety/depression and possibly then mild ocd. He has battled with depression for a long time and gave up his work as a solicitor 3 years ago. Since this time he went into hospital for observation and was treated with ECT. Since this treatment he developed depersonalisation/DR and racing thoughts. It was never explained to him or he did not accept his diagnosis and therefore did not respond to early advice none very clear, back then. He became housebound due to symptoms and dependent on his father for more than two years now. Over time the lack of explanation/convincing by medical professionals about his condition, has led him to suicide attempts and admission into a psychiatric hospital twice. His DP/DR and violent thoughts convinced him that he was from another dimension and that he did not belong in his body. His racing thoughts became more sinister and constant and has misled him to believe he had been taken over by an evil force or the very least of his ongoing worries that he has schizophrenia.
I met him six months ago, i worked with him in doing a lot of research into GAD...sadly the medical sites have little if no info for severe GAD, but also fortunately I have found some of the forums and sites such as anxietynomore.co.uk and panic away programme and the Dr Weekes books and audio files healthboard.com and this site were the best place to get an understanding and idea of the best way forward. My friend Pete has made a lot of progress in his life (not so much his symptoms, yet) as he no longer is AS agoraphobic/social phobic and is less frequently in a speechless (catatonic) state has less panic attacks and now sorts his own finances, makes more decisions on his own, uses knives in the kitchen, goes to the pub occasionally, shops more often.. sometimes on his own, usually with someone he can trust, he has studied some courses and planning to hopefully be able to attend a medical course in Oct. He is by far the man he was or yet to return to, but also more capable than he has been in two years. He still finds daily activities very stressful due to his accumulated symptoms, this in turn increases his anxiety which then exacerbates his symptoms further and fills him with such despair which exhausts him constantly to the point he does not want to live like this anymore, but is also afraid to die (thank god).
I am trying to help him recognise how he responds mentally to this fear he experiences due to the symptoms, as being crucial and how to accept his experiences for what they are, to reduce and hopefully in time eliminating the symptoms. This must be a very difficult process to attempt as he makes slow progress, but i believe he does his best under the circumstances! He has as we all do in our daily lives, dealing with some emotionally stressful situations recently and his symptoms have exploded tenfold ....He says that his every action is questioned before and after everything.. it is a voice/thought of a devil along with the images of a devil always with him. He thinks the devil is a part of him maybe his inner self. The irrational tricking dialogue of his every action or thought is so distressing to him he cannot concentrate and is obviously fixated on the content of this internal conversation..he says how else can he not as it is with him for every thing he does or does not do, taking hold of his entire conscience making him very confused and would like to just sit and ruminate. He is at the same time suffering with other OCD thoughts/images violent and sexual in nature all the time and making him believe that he will or has become a psychopath/ serial killer etc..as he has long ago lost the feeling of his emotions and says he has a desire or urge to act on these thoughts (He is a lovely honest,caring guy!) as he has so much built up rage and anger inside him ( i only see and hear frustration and anger, but he assures me it is a fraction of what he feels inside). He is very guilty and very distressed that these thoughts happen to him all the time. The theme or person he has the images/thoughts about include everyone, but usually one or another person every so often who may have had some emotional impact on him at the time i.e. a neighbour who has been suffering with cancer or worrying about myself or his father.... the violent things happening to this persons body, internal organs, rape etc.. every unimaginable and distasteful thing that could happen is happening in his mind, this so distresses him...
We are trying together to keep active doing tasks to help distract him from ruminating and in addition provide him with situations that are uncomfortable for him to become less housebound and accustomed to the effects that people and the environment has with his mind, by exposure and correcting the response to it. I believe as he gets better at his responses, this does help him feel more capable at being out, although he does not agree as he says his symptoms get worse during and after these activities (shops, pub etc).
I understand that this is a horrendous cycle and to break it is to move through it ..hell or high waters, as i never want to see him return back to the state he was in when i met him... like a fetus in an invisible cage.
I asked him to write down something for others to respond to some while back for other forums where he had little response to and no one that could entirely relate to this accumulation of symptoms at once. I have posted his letter in this post at the end...
I HOPE AND PLEAD that someone out there experiencing the whole severe anxiety/ocd thought 24/7 package that can relate to loosing themselves to years of depression/DP/DR, anxiety/panic, including dark violent sexual ocd thoughts/ internal rage/ nightly sleep terrors etc will respond!!.... He takes 2 lorazapam am/pm and 40mg mirtazapine (AD)at night to aid sleep ..he is fearful to try antipsychotics again but is thinking on seroquel as a last resort...i would like to see him manage without, but it is his decision ultimately!
Pete's letter..........
A friend told me to write on here but I知 pretty sure people will be horrified about what I致e got to say and run for the hills.
I dont only have dark, violent, sexual thoughts, I have this violent rage and hatred that accompanies them. My mind also change everything I do, see, hear, smell, eat into something horrifying, foul, disgusting, sexual etc in my brain. I shout abuse and threats to people in my head. I imagine the devil following me around and speaking in my head, and I count down days and activities until I will be locked up. I致e been ill for 11 years and somewhere deep inside I appear to have given up, and I seem to be doing this whole process to myself through some self-destructive compulsion. Sometimes I think I知 enjoying it.
Floating past my thoughts doesnt work because they are my whole existence. I知 sure you will agree I知 a pretty evil thing and need to be locked up. I知 not sure why I知 writing on here as I know no-one will have anything to say and that will send me even further down. I知 also pretty certain most of the time that I知 not of this world and my existence is some sort of aberration.
Sorry and thanks.
I met him six months ago, i worked with him in doing a lot of research into GAD...sadly the medical sites have little if no info for severe GAD, but also fortunately I have found some of the forums and sites such as anxietynomore.co.uk and panic away programme and the Dr Weekes books and audio files healthboard.com and this site were the best place to get an understanding and idea of the best way forward. My friend Pete has made a lot of progress in his life (not so much his symptoms, yet) as he no longer is AS agoraphobic/social phobic and is less frequently in a speechless (catatonic) state has less panic attacks and now sorts his own finances, makes more decisions on his own, uses knives in the kitchen, goes to the pub occasionally, shops more often.. sometimes on his own, usually with someone he can trust, he has studied some courses and planning to hopefully be able to attend a medical course in Oct. He is by far the man he was or yet to return to, but also more capable than he has been in two years. He still finds daily activities very stressful due to his accumulated symptoms, this in turn increases his anxiety which then exacerbates his symptoms further and fills him with such despair which exhausts him constantly to the point he does not want to live like this anymore, but is also afraid to die (thank god).
I am trying to help him recognise how he responds mentally to this fear he experiences due to the symptoms, as being crucial and how to accept his experiences for what they are, to reduce and hopefully in time eliminating the symptoms. This must be a very difficult process to attempt as he makes slow progress, but i believe he does his best under the circumstances! He has as we all do in our daily lives, dealing with some emotionally stressful situations recently and his symptoms have exploded tenfold ....He says that his every action is questioned before and after everything.. it is a voice/thought of a devil along with the images of a devil always with him. He thinks the devil is a part of him maybe his inner self. The irrational tricking dialogue of his every action or thought is so distressing to him he cannot concentrate and is obviously fixated on the content of this internal conversation..he says how else can he not as it is with him for every thing he does or does not do, taking hold of his entire conscience making him very confused and would like to just sit and ruminate. He is at the same time suffering with other OCD thoughts/images violent and sexual in nature all the time and making him believe that he will or has become a psychopath/ serial killer etc..as he has long ago lost the feeling of his emotions and says he has a desire or urge to act on these thoughts (He is a lovely honest,caring guy!) as he has so much built up rage and anger inside him ( i only see and hear frustration and anger, but he assures me it is a fraction of what he feels inside). He is very guilty and very distressed that these thoughts happen to him all the time. The theme or person he has the images/thoughts about include everyone, but usually one or another person every so often who may have had some emotional impact on him at the time i.e. a neighbour who has been suffering with cancer or worrying about myself or his father.... the violent things happening to this persons body, internal organs, rape etc.. every unimaginable and distasteful thing that could happen is happening in his mind, this so distresses him...
We are trying together to keep active doing tasks to help distract him from ruminating and in addition provide him with situations that are uncomfortable for him to become less housebound and accustomed to the effects that people and the environment has with his mind, by exposure and correcting the response to it. I believe as he gets better at his responses, this does help him feel more capable at being out, although he does not agree as he says his symptoms get worse during and after these activities (shops, pub etc).
I understand that this is a horrendous cycle and to break it is to move through it ..hell or high waters, as i never want to see him return back to the state he was in when i met him... like a fetus in an invisible cage.
I asked him to write down something for others to respond to some while back for other forums where he had little response to and no one that could entirely relate to this accumulation of symptoms at once. I have posted his letter in this post at the end...
I HOPE AND PLEAD that someone out there experiencing the whole severe anxiety/ocd thought 24/7 package that can relate to loosing themselves to years of depression/DP/DR, anxiety/panic, including dark violent sexual ocd thoughts/ internal rage/ nightly sleep terrors etc will respond!!.... He takes 2 lorazapam am/pm and 40mg mirtazapine (AD)at night to aid sleep ..he is fearful to try antipsychotics again but is thinking on seroquel as a last resort...i would like to see him manage without, but it is his decision ultimately!
Pete's letter..........
A friend told me to write on here but I知 pretty sure people will be horrified about what I致e got to say and run for the hills.
I dont only have dark, violent, sexual thoughts, I have this violent rage and hatred that accompanies them. My mind also change everything I do, see, hear, smell, eat into something horrifying, foul, disgusting, sexual etc in my brain. I shout abuse and threats to people in my head. I imagine the devil following me around and speaking in my head, and I count down days and activities until I will be locked up. I致e been ill for 11 years and somewhere deep inside I appear to have given up, and I seem to be doing this whole process to myself through some self-destructive compulsion. Sometimes I think I知 enjoying it.
Floating past my thoughts doesnt work because they are my whole existence. I知 sure you will agree I知 a pretty evil thing and need to be locked up. I知 not sure why I知 writing on here as I know no-one will have anything to say and that will send me even further down. I知 also pretty certain most of the time that I知 not of this world and my existence is some sort of aberration.
Sorry and thanks.