never2late
18-08-08, 00:40
Everywhere I go, there are several things that I MUST have with me: My "just in case" xanax tablets; a few aspirin to chew quickly in case I find myself having a heart attack (how silly is all this, really?); one blood pressure pill because my BP goes sky high when I have a panic attack; and my cell phone ready and programmed to dial 911 at any given moment. No one sees these things, but they have been with me at all times. Always prepared and it makes me feel safe to know that everything is with me in case of an emergency.
My family is now on vacation, and today I took my wife up into the mountains to join them. I had to come back for an engagement tomorrow (hence being on the computer now), but will join them in the afternoon.
However, everyone wanted to hike up to the summit of one of our upstate mountains which we are staying on. And guess what? I decided to leave EVERYTHING back at the house -- and go totally solo.
Now, this is no small feat, because if anything happens to you up there, you're in a world of hurt. There is no cell phone reception, so someone would have to go back for help. The closest hospital is one hour away (over land).
How did it all work out without taking anything with me at all? Fine.
At first, as we began to reach the uphill areas and my heart started beating faster (a "normal" faster), I became a bit apprehensive -- and that apprehension started a bit of anxiety. I knew that the anxiety was being caused by the apprehension, and not from ANYthing else, so I just let it go. Truth be told, I really don't care anymore. As some of you know, I just plain fed up.
So we make it up to the summit/overlook and it a beautiful view out to the horizon looking out over what looked like the entire world. My heart was beating pretty fast from the climb (we walked up the mountain road), but I just let it beat in my chest. I figured if I were to die there and then, I probably could not have chosen a more beautiful place or time to say goodbye.
I guess my brain/mind couldn't really grab hold on to anything to make me panic under these circumstances, so in a relatively short time, my heart slowed down to its normal pace again. And I felt triumphant.
It was a wonderful moment with my family and extended family all there, and I was glad to be alive.
When I go up tomorrow, there are other activities planned, such as white water rafting down the rapids; etc. -- so I'll see if I'll do the same, or if one time is enough for a little while. There's no sense pushing too hard. Step by step.
Little triumphs lead into big victories.
My family is now on vacation, and today I took my wife up into the mountains to join them. I had to come back for an engagement tomorrow (hence being on the computer now), but will join them in the afternoon.
However, everyone wanted to hike up to the summit of one of our upstate mountains which we are staying on. And guess what? I decided to leave EVERYTHING back at the house -- and go totally solo.
Now, this is no small feat, because if anything happens to you up there, you're in a world of hurt. There is no cell phone reception, so someone would have to go back for help. The closest hospital is one hour away (over land).
How did it all work out without taking anything with me at all? Fine.
At first, as we began to reach the uphill areas and my heart started beating faster (a "normal" faster), I became a bit apprehensive -- and that apprehension started a bit of anxiety. I knew that the anxiety was being caused by the apprehension, and not from ANYthing else, so I just let it go. Truth be told, I really don't care anymore. As some of you know, I just plain fed up.
So we make it up to the summit/overlook and it a beautiful view out to the horizon looking out over what looked like the entire world. My heart was beating pretty fast from the climb (we walked up the mountain road), but I just let it beat in my chest. I figured if I were to die there and then, I probably could not have chosen a more beautiful place or time to say goodbye.
I guess my brain/mind couldn't really grab hold on to anything to make me panic under these circumstances, so in a relatively short time, my heart slowed down to its normal pace again. And I felt triumphant.
It was a wonderful moment with my family and extended family all there, and I was glad to be alive.
When I go up tomorrow, there are other activities planned, such as white water rafting down the rapids; etc. -- so I'll see if I'll do the same, or if one time is enough for a little while. There's no sense pushing too hard. Step by step.
Little triumphs lead into big victories.