Feel like complete and utter failure

[orangeblossom]

I am sitting here, hands shaking, heart-pounding and in floods of tears... I had just met my fiance and a mutual friend for supper in a lovely little restaurant - chosen so we could sit outside where I would be more comfortable - and I had a god-awful panic attack. I just feel utterly horrendous and a complete failure.

My fiance is going away for a week early tomorrow morning and this was supposed to be an enjoyable evening out before he left, and like a total idiot I had to ruin it by panicking so badly - despite medication: propranolol - and dashing off. The restaurant owner said he hoped they hadn't done anything to make me feel ill. That made me feel even worse.

I am so sick and tired of feeling like this, and for ruining a potentially lovely evening out. I really just want to be perfectly normal and enjoy going out, enjoy meeting friends, trying new food... just being a normal person. It feels as if I will be like this forever - completely trapped by this panic.

[Anxious_gal]

aw it's not your fault you had a panic attack, no one can control them.
i'm sure you fiance and friend understood, maybe try some therapy, i found it very helpful.
you can try using the chat room here too for some extra support.
aw the resrunt owner was only trying to say something nice, i'm sure he wouldnt want to make you feel worse.
try not put yourself down, as doing this wont help you.
i have done the same thing lots of times, running out of cinemas...shopping centers! i know how it can make you feel guilty. but its not your fault x

[kendo59]

Aaaaw... I understand exactly how you feel. I daresay a lot of us do.
I was always a fit active take-charge kinda guy, but since losing my job and having my breakdown, I too feel a complete failure and utterly useless.
My partner & I used to go out with friends, and lately she says she wants us to go on holiday, she has been working hard to support us both, but lately the thought of going out of an evening or away anywhere just makes me feel more anxious & stressed.

I'm sure your fiance understands. Have you spoken about the way your condition affects you, shown him articles & websites, so he understands?

[ladybird64]

Hiya :)

I had a look at some of your other posts and see that your partner is going away for a week, you have a real fear about eating out and may have Emetophobia..I think you did brilliantly to actually get to the restaurant in the first place!
Unless you're superhuman all the anxiety about everything must have been building up, you get to the restaurant and something just had to give. Don't put yourself down for this, it happens to the best of us and it certainly doesn't make you a failure.
I think the desperate craving to be "normal" makes us impatient with ourselves..we want to be better yesterday. I do it too and fail to acknowledge the accomplishments that I have made because they never seem good enough, I think it goes with the territory.
I was feeling quite desperate at the beginning of this week and had some kind posts reminding me of what I HAD been able to achieve, yet I was concentrating on something else.
Rest yourself mentally a little and instead of trying to conquer everything, just take a baby step to start with.
And don't forget what you accomplished by getting to the restaurant and not finding an excuse not to go..:yesyes:

[titchjd]

Hiya and let me start by saying congratulations on going 2 the restaraunt ...that in itself is a big thing ....you are not a failure at all and like many of us you have anxiety and panic attacks ....I know u must feel fed up because i did last week wen all the family went out and met up and i couldnt go ..but then I thought well its just 1 day out of my life and my lifes not going 2 change jut becus i paniked and couldnt go ......what i mean is dont dwell on this episode its over its the past if u dwell on it your anxiety will just continue .......you did your best and thats wot counts ..xxxx


hugs
Titch xxx

[milly jones]

well done for getting out and meeting friends hun

dont beat urself up about this

this is an illness like any other and it got to u tonight

pls dont let it put u off going out

if u let the fear win it will beat u

tomorrows another day

take care

milly xxxx

[dianes]

Hi, I would also like to say a big WELL DONE for going to the restaraunt:yesyes: I know how bad it makes you feel when you panic and have to leave.
A year ago I went with my daughter and two sisters to the hairdressers and panicked while I was waiting to have my hair done. The panic took over me and I jumped up shouting I had to get out of there and I couldn't stay there any longer I was sooo bad they all had to leave with me. My younger sister left with the dye and foil squares still in her hair, my older sister had the cap on her head where she had been having hers highlighted and my daughter had one side cut and the other caught up with a clip, :ohmy: me...they hadn't even started on. They had to bundle me in the car and drive me back to hubby:blush: He laughed sooo much when he saw the state of them and asked my sister why she had a giant condom on her head:huh: After dropping me home they all had to return to have their hair finished and explain my bizzare behaviour:blush:

Believe it or not we laugh about it now. Don't be to hard on yourself, in time it does get better providing you keep going out.

:hugs: :hugs: to you.

Diane
'Remember, your imagination is always much worse than the reality'

[woofytalk]

It's not your fault. You're a good person.
You're so lucky that your fiance loves you and supports you through your anxiety. Take comfort in that and find gratitude that he in in your life.

There is no good that can come from guilt or regret. You simply have to let those feelings go. Let the negative feelings flow off of you like water off a duck's back.

Your reality is your perception. Choose to perceive life as a wonderful thing. It really is.

[orangeblossom]

Thank you so much...

You know, I had a much better day today - walked all the way to the Aldwych and took some photos despite the rain! I was really proud of myself as I did it alone and despite it being quite busy!

[never2late]

I'm so sorry to read about your dinner out. But I'm happy to read that your next day was better (out and taking photos, good for you!).

Don't ever worry about emergencies like that. I know that it wouldn't matter to me if you had to get away, and I would do everything that I could to explain it to others, and to make sure that you felt safe until you began to feel better. If I can be like that, there's plenty like me out there. So always do what you have to do -- even if it means getting up and away from a dinner table -- and try not to feel too badly about it.

Now that you've had a good day, try not to expect too much on the next few days, and also try not to feel badly if they're not as good as the day before (if that gibberish makes any sense!). :D

[orangeblossom]

Thank you!!!! That meant a lot! You are so right... I was supposed to be having dinner with my fiance and a mutual friend and my fiance was lovely about it when he came home afterwards. I e-mailed the friend to explain and decided that considering we had known each other for about 7 years (although I've never said anything about my panic attacks to him) our friendship would hopefully mean that he wouldn't take it the wrong way.

Gawd, you were right - the 2 days since the Aldwych trip have been hard to say the least(!) Today I've been all jittery and although I tried to go into the dept to get some work done, I spent all of 7 mins there (I looked at my mobile!) and dashed home where I've been trying to take my mind of my panic ever since!

ARGH! It is such a nightmare sometimes! I was emailing some photographers today about wedding photography (I'm getting married next summer) and will be meeting one next Wednesday when my fiance comes home... I completely panicked when replying to his email as we would be meeting in a hotel bar just down the road to see his portfolio. It won't be for very long and my fiance said to just tell him I had to catch a train (LOL - as if!!!!) so couldn't stay very long and could go home at any time if I needed to. ...