nomore
27-08-08, 13:35
I haven't posted here for a while, generally because I've been feeling pretty good. However, as of late, I think that I am beginning to slip back a bit.
I've realised that one of the best ways to deal with my health anxiety (currently being scared about not being able to take enough air in and chest tightness) is being able to accept it and distractions. However, in coming to that conclusion, I also realised that my life is somewhat dull and monotonous, wake up, go to work, go back home, etc. So how can I distract my self? I don't really do much on the weekends either. Sometimes I do go out and have some fun but those times are far between and usually feel a bit overdone. I just feel this pressure, like I have to be doing something constantly and trying to meet people. But when I do, I have this really high expectation and am so careful for everyone to like me that in the end I am usually disappointed.
It's sort of like a cycle, I know that I MUST distract my self. But then, with all this pressure, when I do find something to do, I end up overdoing it. I end up "checking in" with my self; "Am I distracted now? Am I feeling good?", etc. For some reason, I also tend to wish that the particular event be over even before it begins. I just can't seem to enjoy myself because I keep checking with myself if I am OK or if I am saying all the right things. Then, I end up being disappointed.
Generally, I find day to day life to be struggle. I feel like I have to make my self do everything. Nothing comes naturally and really do not think that life is supposed to be a constant struggle. I have had moments when I feel that life is a breeze and I don't really have to exert myself to make the right decisions or find something to do so I am distracted. Then I forget all about my health anxiety and even if I do remember, generally I can make those thoughts go away pretty easily. The problem is that 95% of the time, I don't feel this way.
I am really happy for people who seem to be enjoying life but at the same time it makes me feel extremely sorry for myself and puts a lot of pressure on me to be like them, to enjoy life. I keep asking myself; "What makes them different","Why can't I enjoy life like they do"?
It's sad really, I feel trapped in a cycle. It basically comes down to this: My life is pretty dull, resulting in my health anxiety (which, ironically, is just a very bad distraction from my dull life) and I MUST do something about it. But the pressure of needing to "do stuff" is almost too much, resulting in health anxiety and depression.
I've realised that one of the best ways to deal with my health anxiety (currently being scared about not being able to take enough air in and chest tightness) is being able to accept it and distractions. However, in coming to that conclusion, I also realised that my life is somewhat dull and monotonous, wake up, go to work, go back home, etc. So how can I distract my self? I don't really do much on the weekends either. Sometimes I do go out and have some fun but those times are far between and usually feel a bit overdone. I just feel this pressure, like I have to be doing something constantly and trying to meet people. But when I do, I have this really high expectation and am so careful for everyone to like me that in the end I am usually disappointed.
It's sort of like a cycle, I know that I MUST distract my self. But then, with all this pressure, when I do find something to do, I end up overdoing it. I end up "checking in" with my self; "Am I distracted now? Am I feeling good?", etc. For some reason, I also tend to wish that the particular event be over even before it begins. I just can't seem to enjoy myself because I keep checking with myself if I am OK or if I am saying all the right things. Then, I end up being disappointed.
Generally, I find day to day life to be struggle. I feel like I have to make my self do everything. Nothing comes naturally and really do not think that life is supposed to be a constant struggle. I have had moments when I feel that life is a breeze and I don't really have to exert myself to make the right decisions or find something to do so I am distracted. Then I forget all about my health anxiety and even if I do remember, generally I can make those thoughts go away pretty easily. The problem is that 95% of the time, I don't feel this way.
I am really happy for people who seem to be enjoying life but at the same time it makes me feel extremely sorry for myself and puts a lot of pressure on me to be like them, to enjoy life. I keep asking myself; "What makes them different","Why can't I enjoy life like they do"?
It's sad really, I feel trapped in a cycle. It basically comes down to this: My life is pretty dull, resulting in my health anxiety (which, ironically, is just a very bad distraction from my dull life) and I MUST do something about it. But the pressure of needing to "do stuff" is almost too much, resulting in health anxiety and depression.