Worried about my mother!

[mothermac]

I don't really know if this thread is in the right place on here but I want to outline some of the problems I have with my mother and see what other members think and to give me some advice on how to handle it as I feel I am at the end of my tether with it all.
From the age of 11 when my father died I have had quite a life with my mother.She was 44 when he died and took it so badly that she nearly comitted suicide twice and it was only the thought of leaving me (she said) that pulled her back from the brink.I am an only child and his death hit us hard,we were left alone as her sisters and brother didn't really get on with her so I was left to pick up the pieces.She is a very loving person I must add and I don't want to make you think that this is just a calling match I seriously need advice on what you all think is going on here.We had some holidays as I was growing up and got on generally ok,she was however very clingy and wanted to know my every move-literally.I had a boyfriend when I was 17 and she made him promise to bring me home at 10.00 and she was on the step in her nightie when I arived home telling me to get inside-i WAS ABSOLUTLEY MORTIFIED!!!!.(the relationship seemed strained after that)
Over the years she has been difficult because of her moods and I have been walking on eggshells most of the past 20 yrs because of her depression,She has never sought help for it and when she did mention it to the doc once she cancelled the counselling appt because she said they couldn't help her.
My current husband who I have been married to for 15 yrs finds her very bad to get on with,he thinks she has tried to control me and I am just beginning to see the light.If I go anywhere she tends to tell me that there could be things that will go wrong and I tend to believe her so don't go or do the thing I want to do.She has stopped me getting certain jobs in the past as I am frightened to tell her and she has feighned illness to stop me going into work and I have fell for it.She tells me how to bring my daughter up and overrules me on certain things like sweets for her etc,I know this is something most nana's give their grandchild and I don't for 1 minute want to spoil their relationship but she goes behind my back and is sneaky.
I tried to tell her last night about how bad my anxiety was and she said that she wishes she was dead and out of it because there is always something to worry about.I feel really guilty now and worried that she may do something stupid one day and it will be my fault.
She had a shoplifting episode 2 yrs ago and told me that she was feeling depressed and that is why she did it.I went to the shop and told the manager and he lifted the ban he had given her and said it wouldn't go any further.After that she told me I hadn't helped her then at all and was only interested in myself.
I am sorry to go on but I feel so alone in all this and very confused.I don't know how to get our relationship back on an even keel and tell her I feel smothered by her constant moods and manner.She never hardly smiles,has had no friends since my dad died and doesn't go anywhere,she has never had a job and just sits in the house.I know she is depressed and want to help her but she is so stubborn and won't accept it.She says that she worries about me bevause I am her daughter and she thinks wanting to keep me close all the time is normal.I feel very nervous when around her and even get panicky when I tell her me,my husband and my daughter are going out as she expects to come most of the time and if I want some time on my own she gives me one word answers on the phone the next day and the atmosphere is bad,she must resent me for this.but don't I need a life of my own.I know she is lonely and I wish so much she could have a nice life,I cry many many nights over her and just wish she could be more positive.I am beginning to dislike her immensely and this is putting our relationship under great strain,I find her physically and mentally draining and this is making my anxiety ten times worse.If I give her any advice she tells me to shut up and stop preaching to her so I do shut up quickly.I wonder what the future holds for her as she is 74 now and I worry about how I will cope without her when the day comes.Please tell me how to react to her!!!

[Louise123]

Hello- well done for posting. Its a brave first step that you have taken. I could see some of my own mothers behaviour in what you have described- and i really feel for you. Well done in what you have achieved so far in life- with such an attachment to your mum, and such dependency from her- you seem to have done so well. Congrats on that!!
You seem to be at a good point to really grasp hold of what it is that you need to work through- and it seems from reading your post that your mum is embarking on a massive trait of projection- that is projecting onto you all of her fears/anxieties/worries etc that have left you feeling somewhat depleted- which is totally understandable!! My mum has forever filled us with dread and terror as to "what might happen" if we do new things she hadn't tried..even new foods! It has been very difficult to remove those effects from everyday life- as after al your mum is your main care-giver and since you were born you were predisposed to try and please her and gain her acceptance. When you have to go against the grain for whatever reason- it takes strength and courage- and when you are feeling low and anxious yourself- it can be a huge battle. I really hope that you find some way of setting some boundaries- with regards to what you find acceptable for her to be involved with in your decisions (and your daughter) and have the inner strength to love her as your mum, but keep yourself safe from the harming effect her behaviour has on you. Good luck with it all xxx

[Coni]

Hi mothermac....I just wanted to send some hugs as I really feel for you on this...:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: .

Hope you dont mind but ive sent you a pm as my response was so long.

love Coni XX

[marie1974]

hiya and that was real brave of u posting that so welldone, its amazing how much better we can feel sometimes just by writing it all down.

my advice would be to still spend time with your mother and let her know she is loved but also more importantly make sure you have space alone with your hubby and family away from her because as loved as she is by you, you will end up resenting her so much.

you must stand your ground and tell her the ground rules and if she dont like it then its tough cos she is still getting your time and luv but you need your time too. please dont let it ruin your family and hubby hun cos they are your future happiness. i know its kinda easier said than done but i think u gonna have to be real firm and do not let her make u feel guilty cos u have nothing to feel guilty about at all. u must not let your health suffer more because of this as your kids need you too.

you deserve to be happy mate and i have had terrible issues with my parents and after 5 months of counselling i plucked up the courage to write a 6 page letter explaining how i feel, i have heard nothing and they prob real hurt and i feel terrible but at end of day i had to do it for my own sanity and for me to move on and be happy. i feel much better for it.

be happy matey hugs xxx

[mothermac]

Thanks everyone for replying:

Louise-Thank you for your advice,I feel for you with your mum and it must have been so difficult to overcome the reins on you especially when trying new foods etc.It is bad to live with your own fears never mind someone else's so I know what it is like.It was very kind of you to tell me that I am brave for posting this problem,I don't feel brave I just feel ground down and helpless really.

Donna-thanks to you too for replying.It must have been hard for you to write the letter to your parents and well done for doing it,it must take a lot of inner strength.I don't think I would ever have the guts to write her a letter as I think she would take it so bad that it would make things10 times worse.I think I will have my counselling and see what she or he says about it all.

[Bill]

I think the best way I can reply to your thread is if I break it down....

From the age of 11 when my father died I have had quite a life with my mother.She was 44 when he died and took it so badly that she nearly comitted suicide twice and it was only the thought of leaving me (she said) that pulled her back from the brink.

You gave her reason to live at the time you lost your father and that's how she still thinks of you which is why she's always been.........

very clingy but for the same reason it has created anxiety for her because she feels she only has you so can't afford anything happening to you which is why she wanted to know my every move-literally.I had a boyfriend when I was 17 and she made him promise to bring me home at 10.00 and she was on the step in her nightie when I arived home telling me to get inside...to make sure you were "safe".

her depression,She has never sought help for it and when she did mention it to the doc once she cancelled the counselling appt because she said they couldn't help her.....because she feels that no one can bring your father back. She's never moved on from losing him because she's turned her reliance onto you rather than attempting to make a new life for herself. In her eyes, her life ended when she lost your father and you're now the only reason for her living. For all these years she's been living in grief and can't accept what happened or come to terms with it. I think it's a bit like my mother. When we lost my father she said he would always be her only "love". The difference though is that my mother was 80 at the time. Your mother has never "wanted" to move forward.

If I go anywhere she tends to tell me that there could be things that will go wrong and I tend to believe her so don't go or do the thing I want to do.
She has stopped me getting certain jobs in the past as I am frightened to tell her and she has feighned illness to stop me going into work and I have fell for it.

When we're depressed, we are very negative about everything. We always look on the black side. The best way of dealing with her negativity is to tell her "after" you've done what You want to do so you can dismiss what she says. Don't consult her beforehand because you'll know what she'll say and put doubts in your mind which will stop you from doing what YOU want.

I tried to tell her last night about how bad my anxiety was and she said that she wishes she was dead and out of it because there is always something to worry about.I feel really guilty now and worried that she may do something stupid one day and it will be my fault.

Don't try sharing feelings with her because her depression will always dictate her replies which will then rebound on you making you feel worse causing you more worry. Share with those who will give you "positive" feedback.

She had a shoplifting episode 2 yrs ago and told me that she was feeling depressed and that is why she did it.

This is only a guess but I think she may have done this for attention rather than actually wanting the item so attacked you when you tried to take the attention away from her.

I feel very nervous when around her and even get panicky when I tell her me,my husband and my daughter are going out as she expects to come most of the time and if I want some time on my own she gives me one word answers on the phone the next day and the atmosphere is bad,she must resent me for this.but don't I need a life of my own.

When you don't mind her going out with you, tell her but otherwise Don't tell her you will be going out or that you've been out unless she has reason to suspect that you have been out in which case just say you'll take her out next time. You need Your life and she has to fit in with you. You need a balance otherwise you'll resent.........

dislike her immensely because she'll be putting our relationship under great strain,I find her physically and mentally draining and this is making my anxiety ten times worse. She'll make you ill unless you look after You.

You can still develop ways to put you first without fear of her doing anything to herself. I feel that she is just saying things to get her way because she knows that you worry and how to make you feel guilty. She's just manipulating you for her own advantage because to her you're all she has but you have your Own life and Own family to think of but it's up to you to put Them first.

I worry about how I will cope without her when the day comes.

When we suffer from anxiety we feel insecure so turn to those who are closest to us even if their behaviour is Bad for us. This means that these people will then use us to Their advantage because they will know that you need them. When I say "use us", I don't mean in a nasty way. I mean because of their own anxieties, insecurities and loneliness like your mother is using you for her own benefit because she doesn't want to help herself and so relies on you knowing that she can force her will upon you using her depression as a weapon to make you feel guilt if you try to oppose her.

You need to be firm but kind but also to do what You want to do without her knowledge and without feeling guilt about leaving her out and making time for You and your family otherwise you'll get overloaded and she'll make you feel more ill with worry.

I feel very sad for her and about what her sadness is doing to you. Hope that's of some help.:hugs:

[jodie]

hi

how brave you are to post this and i think it even might help you to have got it off your chest sounds like you and your mum have had a lot to deal with over the years.

wow bill again what a excellent reply i don't think i can match that you have said all the right things

i do hope things get better for all of you i really do

:hugs:

jodiexx

[lesleya]

I really feel for you hun as i know first hand what its like to have issues with your mother, i do understand i have them with my mum too.
I think you need to do what you think is best for you and your family. I often think too that some mums feel like they have to be in control all of the time and find it very hard to let go, so will cling on to us for dear life and use whatever method to get thier own way. But you have your life to live, so try (eventhough i know its hard) to be kind but firm and let her know what you want...not what she wants.
I wish you all the luck hun with whatever you decide to do.
:bighug1: :bighug1:

[mothermac]

Thanks to you all for your replies it really means a lot.I love my mum and need us to move on to a healthier relationship,sometimes I think of the Brittany Spears song when she is really bad "Toxic" and laugh so I suppose I can see the funny side sometimes.I have great empathy for anybody who has issues with parents as we love them but they can make our lives very difficult at times,they can control us as children but in adult life it gets more complicated.