mlondon
28-08-08, 17:03
Part 2
A year ago I wrote part 1 of my story. I would love to write and say I am back to normal, everything is ok and I feel great. But is has been and still is up and down. I am not who I used to be and things have been tough. HOWEVER in the past year I have achieved a lot and I feel I need to write about these achievements to emphasis them for myself because they can sometimes slip away and all too often I focus on the negative. I remember the first time I went to the cinema after I developed anxiety. My therapist suggested I go, I did and felt great and so proud of the achievement.
I still find it difficult to believe this is anxiety. Today I was sitting at work, 8 colleagues were sitting around me and I felt there was a barrier between them and me, I feel hazy. But last year I didn’t understand this was dissociation and it totally scared me.
A year ago I had just begun working in a new job. I have been in the job for a whole year now and am getting a promotion in September. I am also going part time so that I can study for my second degree and whether I get round to studying or not I must remember I have got onto the course, that in itself is an achievement.
Last year I felt like I would never be able to go away again. From feeling like I couldn’t leave the house for fear of collapsing, doing something dangerous or going mad I have been away to France, Germany, Holland, Belgium, Spain and Australia! Australia was my biggest achievements in one way as it was the one I feared the most but another huge achievement was Holland because I flew on my own. I travelled in the UK to a work meeting, trips that are familiar or local to me are often worse than ones that aren’t. I have also stopped my medication though am considering taking a small amount again. I am beginning to realise that fears are all produced by my thoughts.
I think recently I have been jumping ahead of myself, I went to Holland on my own and stopped taking the meds and said to myself ‘that is it, the anxiety is over’. From then on I expected it to be over and got frustrated with myself every time I felt it again. Whereas at Christmas when I went shopping I was so proud of myself!
One thing I find hard to deal with is the tiredness, the second is questioning whether things would be too much for me. I don’t feel as much for life anymore as did so I worry that I am depressed and am scared I will never feel that lust for life again. I guess I am frustrated more than anything and need to have patience.
Some days though I have felt good, the sun has been shinning, I have been engaged with work and the world. The thing I say to myself is it is just anxiety, I have experienced it before and nothing bad has happened. Everything is actually ok I think I just need to realise it and trust that realisation.
If anyone wants to read part 1, please feel free to contact me...
A year ago I wrote part 1 of my story. I would love to write and say I am back to normal, everything is ok and I feel great. But is has been and still is up and down. I am not who I used to be and things have been tough. HOWEVER in the past year I have achieved a lot and I feel I need to write about these achievements to emphasis them for myself because they can sometimes slip away and all too often I focus on the negative. I remember the first time I went to the cinema after I developed anxiety. My therapist suggested I go, I did and felt great and so proud of the achievement.
I still find it difficult to believe this is anxiety. Today I was sitting at work, 8 colleagues were sitting around me and I felt there was a barrier between them and me, I feel hazy. But last year I didn’t understand this was dissociation and it totally scared me.
A year ago I had just begun working in a new job. I have been in the job for a whole year now and am getting a promotion in September. I am also going part time so that I can study for my second degree and whether I get round to studying or not I must remember I have got onto the course, that in itself is an achievement.
Last year I felt like I would never be able to go away again. From feeling like I couldn’t leave the house for fear of collapsing, doing something dangerous or going mad I have been away to France, Germany, Holland, Belgium, Spain and Australia! Australia was my biggest achievements in one way as it was the one I feared the most but another huge achievement was Holland because I flew on my own. I travelled in the UK to a work meeting, trips that are familiar or local to me are often worse than ones that aren’t. I have also stopped my medication though am considering taking a small amount again. I am beginning to realise that fears are all produced by my thoughts.
I think recently I have been jumping ahead of myself, I went to Holland on my own and stopped taking the meds and said to myself ‘that is it, the anxiety is over’. From then on I expected it to be over and got frustrated with myself every time I felt it again. Whereas at Christmas when I went shopping I was so proud of myself!
One thing I find hard to deal with is the tiredness, the second is questioning whether things would be too much for me. I don’t feel as much for life anymore as did so I worry that I am depressed and am scared I will never feel that lust for life again. I guess I am frustrated more than anything and need to have patience.
Some days though I have felt good, the sun has been shinning, I have been engaged with work and the world. The thing I say to myself is it is just anxiety, I have experienced it before and nothing bad has happened. Everything is actually ok I think I just need to realise it and trust that realisation.
If anyone wants to read part 1, please feel free to contact me...