Loneliness and panic...

[orangeblossom]

I'm not sure if this applies to anyone else on this forum, but I have found, increasingly, that although there are lots of really awful things that go along with having a panic disorder, the loneliness is one of the absolute worst.

I'm not the sort of person who has dozens of friends, but just a handful of good ones. Despite that, not being able to go out very often etc means that I hardly ever meet any of my friends, never mind make any new ones.

It is frustrating and often drives me to tears, this awful loneliness and feeling completely unable to do anything about it.

Whilst lots of friends put up photos of themselves on facebook looking great and having a good night out on a weekly basis, I have got virtually nothing to put up because going out is such an ordeal.

With my fiance gone away for a week (he left last saturday morning and is due back very late monday), i've seen only one person who I met briefly on Thursday, and spoke to one person on the phone about my wedding dress. Apart from that and a handful of MSN conversations and an e=mail here or there, that really is it.

I am working with a therapist right now - although have only 3 sessions left with her on CBT - to help me get out and about. I guess it will help eventually, but the last few years and right now, I am just incredibly lonely.

:-(

I'm very grateful to have found this forum though... makes a world of difference knowing that there are people interacting via threads and the online chat facility.

Is that just me, or is this something that anyone else experiences too?

[honeybee3939]

Hi

I can understand how you feel hun, i felt so lonely when i couldnt get out. I had friends online msn etc which was nice but it wasnt the same as face to face contact.

Are you having your CBT through the NHS? I know when i had my cbt and it was coming to an end the guy who i saw then passed me over to our local mental health team who where a great help. They told me about Social Mornings and classes (craft, art etc) which i then started to attend, this really boosted my confidence, it was also great to meet people who where in the same sittuation as me. I made alot of new friends at the group some of who i still keep in contact with. It maybe a good idea to ask you local Mental Health Service if they have anything like that to offer in your area.

Good luck with your CBT hun i hope it all goes well.

Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxx

[marie1974]

hiya andreas advice sounds good hun and i think with most people we can all have lots of so called friends but mayb only 1 or 2 that we can actually call friends and trust, its those few who are imprtant.

i am sure if u start going out a little more, just little steps matey u will soon start to feel better, hugs xx

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi orangeblossom,:)

Guess what. When your feeling lonely, you're not alone. I'm glad that you can recognise the positive social aspects in your life ( fiance, CBT, emails, a few close friends, NMP ) which are at least some compensation for the lonely feelings.

Apart from a brief and chance encounter with one of the staff members from my Social Services Day Centre and a few visits to Supermarket and Charity Shop, I haven't spoken to anyone in any meaningful or satisfying capacity for at least four days. It can be difficult sometimes and, like you, I have been known to shed a few tears over the misery and injustice of it all. Mind you, I've never known tears to cause any harm in the long run. I'm not asking for sympathy here, just stating a few facts. :whistles:

I suppose what worries me is that all this isolation could be undermining what social skills I may have left! Hope not.:ohmy:

I think loneliness is one of the most difficult emotional problems to deal with. Society
(especially through the power of face book as one example) presents us with all these standards of togetherness and belonging which are not entirely accurate. We can end up feeling worse if we believe we haven't matched up to them.
Big Shame on us all. This under-the-carpet conspiracy needs to be exposed. People who experience loneliness on a regular basis are not Lepers or the Death Of The Party.

Well done on sticking with your therapy. Hope you like your wedding dress. One of the nice things about the people we love who go away is that they can always return.:flowers:

All the best

[emma81]

Hiya Orange :hugs:When i read ur post it could have been something i wrote myself, i know exactly what u mean.

I have agoraphobia and have done for at least 3 years now. I find it very hard to go out and about even though my flat is right in the centre of our village it is still a struggle to get out the front door and across the road to the shops. Going to friends or family's houses always makes me panic as i hate the feeling of having to stay somewhere that has become unfamiliar to me. If i have to go anywhere by car this is even more anxiety-inducing as i cannot get the thoughts out of my mind that i am getting further and further from home and cannot get back easily.

I too go on sites like facebook and bebo and look at all my friends enjoying their life and it often makes a lump rise in my throat as it is a painful reminder of how lonely my life is. I dont have many friends either but i have 3 or 4 very close friends, unfortunately 2 of them have moved quite far away and the other2 have young children so asking them to come round here always feels like i am inconviencing them when its only 10 mins for me to walk to their house. They all know about my agoraphobia but sometimes it seems like with close friends they kind of have an attitude of "we have been friends for years you know there is nothing to be scared of at my house just come round" if you know what i mean.

I have a fiance as well who tries his hardest to be understanding about my anxiety but sometimes it really frustrates him when i sit there crying that he has all his friends and nights out every weekend and i complain about having no one. He often reminds me i do have people and i should make more effort to see them. Its when he says things like that that i realise that no one apart from those suffering with this horrible phobia really truly understand how difficult these normal things like popping out for a drink with a friend actually are.

Sorry i seem to be rambling on here but u are not alone - and if u would like another 'virtual' friend who understands feel free to message me hun,

Emma :hugs:

[orangeblossom]

Argh! How annoying - I wrote out a long reply and then my internet connection went down!!

I wanted to thank Allan for his reply - I was sitting here in tears reading what you wrote because every single thing hit home. I particularly agree with you saying:
"I think loneliness is one of the most difficult emotional problems to deal with. Society
(especially through the power of face book as one example) presents us with all these standards of togetherness and belonging which are not entirely accurate. We can end up feeling worse if we believe we haven't matched up to them.
Big Shame on us all. This under-the-carpet conspiracy needs to be exposed. People who experience loneliness on a regular basis are not Lepers or the Death Of The Party."

I hadn't ever thought about it in this way before - but you are absolutely right. We ought not to feel ashamed for being lonely and we are absolutely not lepers or pariahs because we do feel lonely.

I don't think we lose our social skills... I think we just need a bit more time to brush up on them! I know that when I finally get to talk to someone I talk ten to the dozen because it is such a novelty(!)

Emma - I would love to have a 'virtual friend'!!

We are virtually the same age - I am 27 - and I can empathise with what you wrote. I too find it really hard to go to the shops etc and my fiance is also very outgoing and always going out(!) Also re: not wanting to impose on friends... ditto. Completely. I feel exactly the same way.

[Cheekyone]

Hiya Orange,

I can really relate to what you wrote, I have felt the same way often, especially when visiting social network sites. What you have to remember is that your friends cherry-pick those photos of their great nights out to make themselves look popular and like they're having a fab time! More than likely those nights out weren't as great as they look on the photos and don't happen nearly as often as your imagination thinks they do! I find it best just not to look on those sites, why do something that is just going to make me feel bad?

I've spent years worrying about not being popular enough or having enough friends or good enough friends and thinking online relationships were less valid, but it's a waste of time thinking like that, it hurts no one but me. I've now accepted my life as it is, I have a few freinds and they're becoming better friends as I value them more. If you could use another virtual friend I'd love to make you another valued buddy :)

Ros xoxo

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Orangeblossom...:)

Just read your remarks about my post ( I get lost on NMP sometimes, hence the delay ):shrug:

Thank you for your acknowledgement and agreement. I just wish I had a few solutions rather than a sociological analysis.

I do believe that loneliness is more prevalent than we like to believe and so much of it remains hidden. The sad thing is the negative reaction or indifference that can sometimes accompany it's disclosure.
I know how frustrating it can be when the computer goes on the blink:doh:

Anyway...take care and best wishes

[dorabella]

Everyone who has replies on here is right - there is so much hubris out there. Too many people trying to create the impression that they are the centre of attention enjoying a wonderful lifestyle. Makes one wonder whether the fact that they have to display this 'popularity' to complete strangers on sites like Facebook means they are dissatisfied with their quite average and ordinary lives and probably quite frightened of being alone. There is a difference between being alone and loneliness, and what is so awful about only having a few friends. If these are good supportive people who make you feel good about yourself - surely this is better than being only part of a circle of acquaintances - which is what the majority of our social contacts are.

Why are people so frightened of being sometimes alone? We should all learn to be content with our own company from time to time - it stops us constantly fretting that we are 'missing out' on life, and consequently reduces the anxiety.

D.

[Yvonne]

They were all great replies I think. My daughters use facebook I'm too old for that sort of thing (50 - but young at heart!). It must be like torturing yourself to go on and see what all these people are doing - like they are having SO much fun and here I am like this sort of thing. If it was me I wouldn't look on them.

I think anxiety in itself is a lonely illness anyway. You feel that you are amongst a very small minority because you see everyone getting on with daily lives, going to work, socialising etc etc.

I am not working and I feel very very sad when I see other women my age going out in their smart suits to their nice office jobs (like I used to!) - it really does hurt.

I also think that when suffering this horrid thing that you do distance yourself from the friends y ou do have. I have anyway. I feel that they must get fed up with me saying that I'm still suffering. The trouble with people who don't suffer this illness is that they just do not understand. How could they? Before we suffered it would we have believed that it could be so difficult for someone to stand in a supermarket queue for example.

This illness has made me personally feel like a second class citizen - I am humiliated by it - embarrassed. People who don't suffer could never understand the impact it has on your life.

People keep telling me to go and do some voluntary work to fill the boring days but what they don't understand is if I could I would - but I can't. I am very pro active and try to keep busy but it is lonely because you just feel that others cannot understand.

Yvonne

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Yvonne,:)

I too been getting the 'do some voluntary work' advice recently. I know it would make sense to try. It's just a question of trying to decide what I want to do or actually can do without screwing it up and making matters worse.

Your humiliation and embarrassment is understandable but you are no 'second class citizen' because of your condition.

At least you are keeping pro-active and busy. Something I have difficulty doing at times because of my recurrent depressive episodes.

Take care:yesyes:

[orangeblossom]

I think all of you are absolutely right... and about the voluntary work? I've had that too! People always tell me to go and do something 'useful for a change' and spend some time in a charity shop or whatever. I don't think they fully appreciate that it is, sometimes, difficult to open the front door nevermind go and stand in a busy charity shop for a day!!!!

I've had a long think about social networking sites like facebook and think you are quite right: most of the things that people put photos up of are drunken nights out - something that really doesn't appeal (nor did it ever appeal before I had panic attacks!). I think that has given me that bit more confidence that if these people have to put photos of themselves falling about plastered, then their lives aren't exactly full and joyous as they would have us believe.

I think using this loneliness is another idea. I've always had a thing for writing (no idea if I'm any good at it, but I like it!), so I've started writing again. Just some short stories and the like... and... here is a big thing, I e-mailed the university magazine to ask if I could write something about art exhibitions(!) which I absolutely love. Not had a reply yet, but I'm hoping! I wrote some articles for them a couple of years back about mental health issues and they seemed to go down quite well. I guess I could ask if I could do some more of those as well... no harm in asking!