I hate myself.I want to die

[David985623]

Hi

I dont use this site that often because to be honest im sceptical about it and dont think it will help. I just going to put it into words and maybe theres someone out there made same mistakes as me or who knows how to deal with this feeling.

Im laying here now for the 3rd night in a row unable to sleep feeling like my life is over. I met the most wonderful woman and her lovely daughter 2 years ago. I couldnt believe how my luck had changed and how good my life was becoming. I had to pinch myself most days to believe it. I fell so much in love in fact too much which was the cause of the problem. I was so scared of losing this person i began feeling anxious and insecure. Her ex had to see his daughter obviously. But i saw this as a threat to the one bit of happiness id ever had in my life. This began to change my personality it made me act nasty which is a defense mechanism for me coz i was feeling so insecure. I had the feeling that when i wasnt with her my life was fallling apart without me even knowing. It wasnt it was all in my head.

As u might of guessed i did lose her last week and it was all my own fault. I began getting more feelings that i was losing her. She was going through the toughest time in her life. I wont say what out of respect and privacy. I just say she had person in her family seriously ill. I was no support. I kept going on about my situation with her and was being selfish. I wanted to help and support her coz the truth was i was terrified about what was happening in her life. I was frightened coz everything was going wrong i couldnt help her. She wanted to deal with it in her own way but i felt that i should of been there for her but she didnt want that. I took that as rejection but its quite natural to feel like that in her situation.

I made the biggest mistake of my life last week I sent a message to her saying id had enough etc. I felt like she didnt want me anymore but it was because of her situation. It wasnt surprising she couldnt think of anything else but that. I hate myself and never knew i was capable of being so horrible when she was going through so much and that makes me want to die. I screwed everything up and it was all my own fault. Thats whats hardest to take. I done this to myself. If i hadnt done anything wrong i just may have been able to deal with it better. But now i feel such guilt. I cant face anyone. Cant be around my parents coz slightest thing makes me cry. Ive spent whole day in bed. I dont know how im gonna face work i feel so weak. Ive lost not one but two people i love so much.

Thanks for listening

Dave

[samc100]

Hi Dave

Oh dear honey - hell of a tangle at the moment isn't it? Ok the text message probbaly wasn't the smartest thing to do.. but I think you are really giving yourself a harsh time about this. You were acting needy - not a crime Dave. We all do it and I think we are pretty damn embarrassed about it later - it seems to be part of the anxiety. I won't tell you my act of neediness - still make me cringe !!!!

Try to calm your self today and then when feeling calmer contact your girlfriend. Apologise and say that you'll back off a little emotionally whilst she has to deal with the illness in the family. But can you help out practically? e.g. cut the lawn, clean the bathroom for her, make meals ? That way you are involved but not involved.

Are you seeing a therapist or Dr at the moment? If you are then plese book an appointment to see them asap. I think you need to unburden your mind of this guilt (guilt is awful it destroys things). Then once it is in perspective I think you'll feel a little easier about it xxxxx

[David985623]

Thanks for replying. Ive tried contacting her she dont want to speak to me anymore i just stress her out. I offered to do anything to make things easier for her but she didnt want me around. I cant see doctor coz i have real phoebia of them and i cant sit in waiting rooms. Also i found out few weeks ago i have very high blood pressure and im scared doctor might find out and send me to hospital. Ive not long been up and the anxiety has continued i had it all through the few hours i tried to sleep and now i feel so edgy and i gotta go work. I usually feel like this when i go to work coz going anywhere makes me anxious. But beacuse of this situation its twice as bad and i cant cope with it. Im gonna try going out for a bit before work to get some air maybe it will calm me down. Thanks again for being so kind as i know im in the wrong for what i have done.

[gtrgrl3369]

People sometime need time to heal from things. Give her the space she needs and hopefully she will come around. You shouldn't hate yourself for making a mistake, thats why they are called mistakes and not "on purposes". Jealousy is a scary emotion to deal with and when you cant control the situation it makes it even worse. Things will get better even though they dont seem like it at the moment. I do also think you should try and find a doctor to unburden yourself and if you cant go in person can you do a phone consult? They wont put you into the hospital for your blood pressure unless it is so out of control they need to lower it asap. But stressing yourself out isnt helping it any. Take care honey, this to will pass.

[samc100]

Oh come here Dave and have another hug mate.

You really are giving yourself a hard time over this. Yes the text wasn't ideal BUT you have not committed any huge crime. The problem with anxiety it amplifies our silly errors and makes us forget the good things we have done.

Give her a chance to calm down and deal with the other stuff going off in her life.

You have me worried that there seems to be no support for you though.. gtrgr3369 is right - can you do a telephone consultation via your local Dr? I really think you need some support at the moment.

Hope you have had some fresh air and feeling a little better. But could you think about the Dr? Your blood pressure is probably linked to anxiety so don't worry about that. They can help you reduce it

xxxx

[David985623]

I made too many mistakes. I didnt think about what i was saying. I get so built up and scared about things I just say stuff hurtful stuff to make myself feel awful. That cant be right. I dont know why i do it. I couldnt tell a doctor or anyone way i feeling so thats why i said it on here. I think the thought of finding out there is something wrong with me would make me feel even worse if possible thats why i so affraid to go doctors.

[marie1974]

hi hun if u love her so much mayb u could win her back. why not show her the thread u wrote on here and be totally honest to her about your anxietys etc. if she still loves u and u love her then theres a chance. mayb write it all down post it too her. if she is suffering at moment for her problems then mayb she just needs time.

[nickieb]

Oh David

i just read your post & became very sad. I think what Donna said is right, you need to win her back, & im sure she loves you so its possible. I firstly would give her time....absence makes the heart grow fonder & im an old romantic & that saying is so true.

I certainly would give it a few weeks, no contact. Then i would firstly start my sending her some flowers & again leave it a while again. What you have to think is if she loves you she will get in touch.

You do need to sort out your anxiety issues & as soon as thats done you BP will come down, as mine did & it was high!
I would try speaking to your GP, how you have to look at it is, your girlfriend would want the old you, and that needs to be sorted as you want her back don't you?

Good Luck

[kendo59]

I think a sincere heartfelt letter or email, telling her that you know you acted like a bit of a wally, but that you just wanted to do more for her and just felt pushed out. Explain that you are sorry that you failed to take her wishes into account and give her room to deal with it in her own way, but it was out of concern for her that perhaps you were, in hindsight, a bit too clingy, and hope you can both put this down as a learning experience and let you know if she wants to continue to seeing you.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right. You've been seeing her for 2 years but she didn't want you around while she was coping with this 'episode'?
"She wanted to deal with it in her own way but i felt that i should of been there for her but she didnt want that.... Ive tried contacting her she dont want to speak to me anymore i just stress her out."


I'm not sure if I'm picking up a lack of commitment on her part, or if I'm reading it wrong. I think it only natural for you to want to be there for her, and if she is telling you that she doesn't want you around, it would naturally make anyone wonder at the level of commitment.
Do you all live together? How old is her daughter?
Do you do 'family' things with her & her daughter? ie, days out to the park/cinema/zoo/picnics, & holidays, etc?
If/when she does contact you, maybe then have a chat about how committed you both are to the relationship, and where you both see it heading.

Good luck.

[David985623]

Thanks for all ur help. I just want to stop feeling so low. Everyone tells me it will pass but it dont feel that way at moment. I wouldnt want her to read my post coz it would look like im after sympathy. But i have nowhere else to turn. U seem to understand on here more than anyone how i feel. Least i got through work tonight without crying. I was biting my lip lot though. Wish there was a way of coping with this better. Im scared she hate me if i keep bugging her but im especially worried and concerned for her cosidering whats shes going through. I just wanna be there for her like i used to be. But i dont know how. This dont compare to how bad she is feeling. Im just weak i guess.

[David985623]

Cant sleep again. I upset my mum tonight coz i told her exactly how i was feeling. I couldnt hold it in any longer. This got my dad angry that i was having such dark thoughts. I thought he would just start shouting at me. But i was surprised. Im not that close to my Dad but he help me a lot. Told me straight about how i had done things wrong and try to learn from my mistakes. I cant use this and be selfish coz id destroy lot of people in my family if something happened to me. I have to carry on for them. Maybe i feel ok in time. Being at work is really a struggle but i shoudnt complain coz this is something that most people go through. I need to sort myself out coz i only hurt people with way i am at moment. I should try and sleep. Find that almost impossible but i try. Thanks again x

[smile]

First of all big hug to you David,and for the courage you are showing on here,but please don't beat yourself up over guilt.Your anxiety problems are an illness,and I agree I think you need help,and from my own experiences of anxiety and guilt it's horrible to have.I have just started anxiety management,which thankfully nurse comes to my house for,is there any way you can have a consultation over the phone with your doctor? As the others said,your girlfriend may need time to get her head around the things happening in her life,people have different ways of coping with situations in life.You sound very caring person,and feel it's maybe time you concentrated on your own health at present,and hopefully everything else will fall into place,I know it may seem like life is so bad at present,but hang onto some hope,I wish you all the luck in the world,please take care.

[David985623]

Thanks Smile. I am worried if i dont get help the feeling wont go away. Today i feel sick inside. I dont wanna be around lots of people coz im finding it hard to act normal. But problem is i have to go to work. I cant get whats happened out of my head. I had about an hour or so last night were i felt calmer. But woke up very anxious and my first thought was to call my girlfriend but i know thats were i gone wrong in past. Just wanted to hear her voice. I thought it stop me feeling so sick and jumpy. I managed not to do that but i thought its meant to get better as time goes on. Im always thinking and thats probably why i struggle to sleep. But at moment i cant stop thinking its driving me insane. I wish i could fast forward a few months when everything will seem ok like people say.

[AngelDelight]

Hiya,
Im sorry to read what you are going through and how you are feeling. I think you have gone through a tough time as it is, your girlfriend has also been under huge stress. Why dont you take some time off work. You could phone your gp and speak on the phone. They are there to help us.There are ways round for getting some help. Im not saying you need help but speaking about it to the gp will make you feel better. Im not sure If you have tried therapy, as its different with everyone may help. You say you have been nasty ect, thats not really you, which is why if you tell your gp, he/she will help you, sometimes we need to say we may need help or is there any help available.
Your girlfriend sounds like a really nice woman, you have cleary stated what a lovely person her and her child is. You had 2 fantastic years together. Sometimes when we say hurtful and nasty things, we can push the other person away without realising. Which is why you should take this time to think why you behaved that way. Think in a positive way, how you could change your negative behaviour. From the sound of it, your girlfriend is going through a very hard time, being a parent is a full time and stressful job as it is. Maybe you need to back off a bit and give her some time to sort out her problems, schools are back and that is also stressfull. Give it time and in that time try and find any new activity or hobbie you might like, keep yourself busy and occupied.
All the best.

[David985623]

Angel that makes total sense what ur saying. I know i need to back off now coz i feel its only way i can stop situation getting worse if thats possible. I really feel i need to see someone about this but im really scared of doctors too. Theres not much hope for me. Ive always had fear of them and hospitals. I feel going there would make me feel worse right now. I cant even stay in waiting rooms. I think a visit or phone therapy may be good idea. I really could do with time off work but they give me such a hard time there when i take time off. Im worried this will increase my worries. Its bad enough being at work without them harrassing me for having time off. Also i dont think as much when im at work so its helping me. Thats unless a song comes on that reminds me of things. Little things like that which normal people can deal with just tear me up. I just feel im making a negative out of all ur help now. But it is helping me just coming on here and talking and knowing somebody is listening. Just thinking that not everybody thinks im this horrible person that i feel right now.

[AngelDelight]

Your not a horrible person but the hurt is making you have horrible feelings, which is not good. I can totally understand your dislike the gps and hospitals. I hate them but I have no choice but to go every 4 weeks. I have cancelled many appointments in the past but I feel Im getting worse because I wont admit what is going on. I know I need help and I have asked for it. At first the though of having to tell the gp would feel me with fear, its the same every time but once your there and you start, you feel a weight of your shoulders. There is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. I personally felt like that for a long time, only because I was to scared to admit to anyone what was going on. I never knew much about what i was going through, I just though I was loosing the plot when in a way I wasnt. I am sane and normal but I have been through hell and have had to pretend for years that everything is ok when really I was not. Basically what Im saying, the lonegr you take to speak to your gp the harder it will get. Tomorrow or today should i say, ring your gp, tell receptionist you would like to speak to gp today regards to a personal health matter, you will get a call back. Tell your gp everything, how work is affecting you and take some time off to concentrate on you. Maybe you could decorate your room. Work should not hassle you like that. If your gp thinks its a good idea you take time off, your employer needs to accept that.

[David985623]

Thanks everyone for all your help. It is much appreciated.

Dave x

[AngelDelight]

Hi Dave, have you had any more thought in contacting your gp? Even if you just give them a call and ask for a call back will show your trying to do something about the stuff that is troubling you. Take care

[gtrgrl3369]

Something else you might want to try is find out if your doctor has a fax machine, print your post and fax it. You wont have to look them in the face as they read it and then they will have a better idea of ow to help you. You are not helpless, you are struggling right now. I remember being at my lowest and thinking the same things. It does get better with time. I know it doesnt feel like it right now. We have all been there and some of us are still there. Talking it out does help. Please dont worry about what other people think because that will make it harder for you to be honest with yourself. Take care honey, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.:hugs:

[milly jones]

just a big hug hun

ive no wisdom to offer

milly xxx

[David985623]

Hi

My Gp is not the most caring of people. My family have had experiences with him in past. I dont really wanna pour out my heart to someone like that. I find the thought of doing that very hard as im kinda person who would put on a strong front for strangers and only show my real self to people i get close too. Infact thinking about it my mum and my girlfriend are the only people ive truly opened up too. Only people i could but i reckon thats caused a strain on both of them as im very complicated.

[milly jones]

u tried usng support phones lines such as sane etc

i find them useful when i need to talk without anyone knowing me

milly xx

[pinkpiglet]

Hi David, breaking up is never easy and often alot of things get left unsaid, this is not good! She obviously needs her space and is having her own difficulties so i would just send her a letter (not too long and drawn out) just say you are sorry, that you undersatand she is in a difficult place at the minute and that you are there for her if she needs you. Keep it friendly and upbeat and leave it at that. Then concentrate on the most important person 'YOURSELF'. You really need to offload your problems to someone who can understand and help you (your ex can't do this). Why don't you phone 'relate' or the samaritans? It's all confidential and u can get it all off your chest, you deserve some good advice because even though you can't see it 'YOU ARE IMPORTANT'. What have you got to lose..... really? Have a hug mate :bighug1: and be strong:yesyes:

[AngelDelight]

Hi,
You can always ask for another doctor. If you phone reception and say you would like to have a chat with another doctor as you dont feel that comfortable with yours, im sure they will arange that. I have had to see many docs before I feel okish with them. I too do not like showing any form of emotion, I probaly come across as cold but Im not. I just dont like opening up to ppl I do not know. But it got so bad and I let my condition carry on for so long, I nearly ended up in hospital. I have my child to think of so I realised I must get better for his sake. You have your parents to think of. You say your close to your mum, it must be so hard for her to see you like this. It is very worrying for parents to see their child hurting and upset.If not for yourself, do it for your mum. It will get easier. Ive been there myself, its not nice what your going through but if you dont get help or talk to your gp, you may get worse and no one wants that. It wont help you If you want to get back with your ex coz you mentioned you say horrible things to her. Maybe you could try therapy, to help deal with your emotions. Its not for everyone but if you dont try you will never know. Atleast you can say I have tried and done it. You have nothing to loose. Good luck.