Ashamed of what I did

[Quiet-Lift]

Hello out there...

I'd really appreciate it if anyone could find the compassion to give me a hug, even though I said something cruel and selfish to my Mum on the phone today.:weep:

I did manage to call her back and apologise but she told me I had upset her and I feel so miserable about it.

I've come to the conclusion that I must be unwell again. It's the only explanation that makes any sense. I know I should be punished for what I said, but I hope to God I didn't mean it. I know I have a tendency to cut off my nose to spite my face but this is painfully ridiculous and I am making matters worse by taking it out on the one person who shows me so much love.

I know that I am bitter and resentful about the way that events have transpired over the past four years since her accident, but it really was stupid of me to tell her in a moment of uncontrolled anger that I would not go to visit her until my brother returned the substantial loan I made to him several years ago.

My sense of freedom has become so restricted and I cannot understand why it is such an ordeal to travel into unfamiliar areas.

Even though Mum is some distance away in Wales, I have managed to visit her before on three occasions and I get so frustrated with myself for giving in to my fear of travelling over there again. I haven't been to visit her for a year now and I feel as though I'm being such a fool by turning my back on her and refusing to make the effort.

I had an awful argument with my brother on the phone about a year and a half ago following a second email which I sent and which caused a great deal of anger and upset to him and his wife. I haven't been in touch with them since because I'm worried that history may repeat itself.

I'm having so much trouble controlling my anger. Like a baby with a temper tantrum It seems to spill over and cause nothing but trouble.

I've been told in the past not to be so hard on myself, but I really think I need to be taught a lesson for being thoughtless and cruel. I sincerely hope I never do anything like this again, otherwise I run the risk of turning my family against me or starting a vicious feud.

Sorry about the long-winded nature of this post. I had to try and get some of it out of my head. Many thanks if you've managed to read it.

Best wishes

[kendo59]

Your mum will forgive you, don't be so hard on yourself.

Do you think it would help to write a letter to extend the olive branch & rebuild some bridges with your family, explaining why you feel so angry, bitter and resentful, and your problems/anxiety in travelling, and that your anger is an unjustified outpouring and for them to not take it too much to heart?

Write a letter, sit on it a few days, re-read it, edit it, sit on it a few more days, read it again, and then decide if you want to post it.

[Quiet-Lift]

Thanks Kendo

Your suggestion might be worth the effort. I'll give it a try.

All the best

[orangeblossom]

Writing a letter is a good idea - perhaps if you can write one to your Mum, you could, perhaps, write one to your brother as well?

Do they have any idea how difficult things are for you?

[Quiet-Lift]

Thanks Orangeblossom

I'm not sure if they really understand how difficult things are for me. I know that my brother has his own concerns and my Mum is very old and in a wheelchair now. There is only so much I could burden her with and I already feel that I've done enough damage.

All the best

[kendo59]

It may be that you prefer not to burden your mum with too much to worry about, in which case a sincere apology and bit of grovelling can go a long way to making up. Perhaps you can have a deeper heart-to-heart with your brother, and explain to him all the problems you have, and tell him that whilst you accept you've been a wally, ask him to forgive & understand.