Stigma

[Bill]

Something minor happened the other day which really got to me!

I was talking to my wifes father on the phone and we were talking about the past and my really bad spell when I was struggling to cope with my wifes illness.

He said to me "I don't want to cause you embarrassment, but you remember when you used to self harm...............". Immediately I thought to myself WHY should I feel embarrassed? WHY should he think I'd Be embarrassed? WHAT did I do that should make me feel embarrassed?

It made me feel really angry! It was His daughter's illness that caused me to self harm! He used to have to cope with her illness so surely he should understand what caused me to self harm!

Is there any real difference between self harming, needing a drink or wanting to hit a pillow to dull the pain of life?

If someone broke a leg, would you say I don't want to cause embarrassment by talking about your broken leg!?

What made it worse was that it was HIS daughter and he Knew what her illness is like! I found it incredible that he should should show so little understanding when his family has suffered mental illness.

If someone said to me they'd self harmed, I would understand them and their reasons and not use his attitude. What a nerve!:mad:

[mothermac]

I do sympathise with you Bill on this one,people can and do say stupid things when they talk to folk who have suffered some trauma in their life,I do think it's ignorance at times that fuel this.Your wife's father will KNOW deep down that it's his daughter who has caused most or all of the crap you have had to deal with over the years and because HE feels embarrassed about it he is trying to balance the blame, I think,he doesn't want his daughter to be the only one out of the two of you to have brought a problem to his life, so he has included you in the equation,maybe it makes him feel better about his daughter's illness if he thinks someone else was to blame as well,sad really.
Is he the type of person you can talk too about your feelings?maybe you should tell him what you really think and it may just make him realise that you have suffered too.It makes my blood boil that folk who are carers get overlooked when an illness rears it's ugly head,I do have immense sympathy for your wife and the constant struggle she must have had to manage her condition but your family have to realise that it is only through your determination and fortitude that has enabled her to stay in her own home and lead a semi normal life,not many men would put their needs on the back burner for the length of time you have and your father in law should know this.

[hopeful]

Bill,

I have always found your posts to be really helpful but there is a part of this one that I feel I must disagree with.

I know your wife is and has been ill for a long time and I think you are a very loving and caring man to have stood by her.

What I want to say is this.I read in 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' that we should take responsibility for the way we feel/think and not blame others.There are loads of things that have happened to me in my life that have led to me being such an anxious person,but if I lay the blame on others then I am not taking responsibility for my thoughts/feelings.Apparently we choose how we react to situations.I'm still trying to get my head round this myself.Hope you understand what I mean.

julie x:hugs: