why am i the way i am?

[mtk]

just wanted some support. sorry if this is annoying. I'm not really sure whats going on with me but i will give the timeline and see if i relate to anyone or if in actually a lunatic. this is the first time i have spoken of any of this to such an extent
here goes:
about 5 years ago i started getting palpitations during a stressfull relationship. i didnt realize at the time that stress may be causing them and had hardly any anxiety. at least not enough for me to think about. i saw the doctor and he said they were normal and i was fine for about a year or so. a few years later out of the blue i started getting a funny feeling in my head. like my ears needed to pop and i couldnt pop them. i also had a feeling of tightness in my hear and twitching in the veins in my temples. i still get them from time to time but not as bad. after that symptom died down i usually had some sense of dizzyness or numbness or tingeling sensation. i have convinced myself that im going blind and that the room is turning white. i saw the doctor a few times because of a numbness in my arm and was radiating to my back and neck. i convinced myself that i was having a heart attack. i have skipped beats and heart palpitations, my face goes numb, my tounge goes numb, i have low blood sugar which causes me to constantly obsess over what i eat, i think im gaining weight and constantly convince myself that ive gotten fatter in the past hour, i cant exercise anymore because im afraid something will happen, and i check my pulse obsessively.
my anxeity is snowballing. if im sleeping somewhere other than my house i stay up all night thinking someone is going to come kill me, i dont like to go anywhere alone unless the conditions are perfect, every pain or minor change in my body causes me to think i have some sort of deadly illness and i constantly feel the need to flee or run away.
none of my freinds or family or doctors have any idea how bad my anxiety is. i dont want to go on medication
i dont want people to think im crazy or treat me differently
i want to be able to hang out with my friends
i want to be able to go places alone
i want to be normal.
sorry if this sounds like a sob story but i had to get it out.
any suggestions?

[ShineUK]

Hi,
It doesn't take long for anxiety to get it's ugly teeth into you does it?
The numness and pins N needles are all part and parcel of this wonderful illness. I live with pins n needles in my face 24/7. I feel like hell all day and wake at night with panics too. I wish that I had a magic wand, but there are so many of us suffering from the same horrid symptoms, Just be reassured that you are definately not alone.
:winks:

[xBettyBoopx]

Hi mtk

I certainly can relate to almost everything that you have said. I am sorry that you are having a tough time & understand how you just want to get back to normal. If you can deal with this without medication that is great.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the different kinds of therapy for ppl with anxiety/health anxiety/panic attacks/ocd etc & there are different therapists that go along different lines. However one thing that would suit us all is to re-train our minds. Can you remember back to when you maybe had a pain or tingling sensation or maybe papls & you just ignored it? I can. So what's happened to make us now think that we are going to die of this pain/tingling/palpitation?:shrug: :shrug:

I am no expert, but if we could think they way we used to, we'd be cured, after all, we didn't always think this way, right? Not being a therapist, I wouldn't know where to start, but I'm gonna take a look on the web (don't know if there's anything on nmp about it) but will take a look.

We are all looking for a magic cure, which unfortunately ain't gonna happen. Go back to the starting point of when you first felt anxious & then see what was going on then, how you handled the situation & whether you could have done anything differently.

I want to say a lot more but I'm afraid that it will be the wrong thing to say, as I've said I'm not a therapist.

Ok, this is what I'm going to do 2moro. I'm going to sit calmly in a chair, close my eyes & remember back to the first time I felt anxious/panicky (I know exactly where I was). Then I'm going to change what happened (not literally,lol) but in my mind, so that the outcome was fine. If I keep doing that, surely my mind will eventually actually think that, instead of all the horrible things that happened (horrible physical symptoms).

If I'm sounding like I'm a bit insane, then sorry, I can assure you that I'm not. But I have had different therapists over many years & no one has ever recommended this. I think this could be the answer. Please God let this be the answer.

Maybe hypnotherapy can work:yesyes:

Sorry mtk if this isn't the answer that you're looking for, I'm sure ppl will have more ideas. After all we are all looking for peace & tranquillity.

Are you from the States? Most ppl here are from UK & in bed at the mo, but I bet there will be lots of replies come 2moro.

Good luck,
Love
Els
xxx

[Alisonj]

I know exactly how you are feeling. I am on 17 years of this hell. I want to be able to say that there is a cure. There may be. I am sure people get better and hopeful stay better. I plan on being one of those people one day. I am just not having the best of luck getting there yet and neither are you. To be "normal" feels like a dream. I understand that you dont want to go on medication but sometimes that is the first step. You dont have to look at it long term but just to add in retraining your brain for positive instead of negative. If you can have some good days, it will start the process.
Huge hugs to you, If you want to chat feel free to pm me or email me at alisonjones29@hotmail.com

[mtk]

yes im from the states.
thank you both for your replies. you dont have to worry about saying the wrong thing. any suggestions are fine with me.
i want you to know that ive been very optimistic about getting better lately. thanks so much for reading my rant.
although i worry that im going to be this way for the rest of my life, im hopefull...

[Alisonj]

Even the smallest amount of hope can mean sooo much!

[mtk]

thanks alison.
i know that sometimes medication cna be the answer for some people but i dont think its for me (anyways i dont have health insurance right now so i cant even see a doctor)
i just need to learn to stop waiting for something bad to happen. i didnt really feel bad today. the problem is that when im not feeling any symptoms im WAITING to feel symptoms. i need to train myself not to do that and i just dont know how...